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Reviews

  • Reviews

    Carnival Of Blood (1970)

    Nothing feels like those “First Half of the 70s” American Horror films. With no formula in place, they did whatever they thought would scare people. And, that involved actual scare tactics,…

  • Reviews

    Carrier, The (1988)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. Adults wearing Hefty bags argue over the proprietorship of cats and apocalyptic chaos ensues. This garners my utmost respect. With George Romero-lite…

  • Reviews

    Cemetery Sisters (1987)

    Leslie and her beau have just gotten hitched. They cuddle by the fireplace. Suddenly another woman stabs the husband in the back over and over and over again. Just when you…

  • Reviews

    Censored (1965)

    Ideas must be challenged! Barry Mahon is our only hope. In 1965, the work of exploitation renaissance man Barry Mahon (The Beast that Killed Women) was at a peak. But, the…

  • Reviews

    Centipede Horror (1982)

    Every single time it rains, centipedes descend upon my apartment, much like white people heading to Burning Man. If you’ve never seen a centipede, then imagine Eugene Levy’s eyebrows, only with…

  • Reviews

    Christmas Evil (1980)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. The winter holidays and nostalgia go hand in hand. Even for psychopathic Santa Claus obsessives. While most low-rent, holiday-inspired horror films evoke…

  • Reviews

    Cinemagic (1985)

    Two film critics sit in a dark theater, just like Siskel and Ebert, only their names are Phillips and Brill. Phillips leaves the top four buttons of his shirt open so…

  • Reviews

    Class Reunion Massacre (1978)

    Bizarro slasher or Christian scare film? Wait. Don’t run away! If I’m going to get to the bottom of this, I’ll need all the help I can get. This is a…

  • Reviews

    Club, The (1994)

    It’s prom 1994, but it’s also a medieval costume party. It’s held in a gothic castle, complete with candelabras, suits of armor, vaulted ceilings, and a public bathroom with those metal…

  • Reviews

    Coldfire (1990)

    Let’s talk cereal. Specifically Lucky Charms. The box promises toasted oat o’s with an explosion of magical marshmallows—you know the ones—pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, etc. They’re magically delicious. The…

  • Reviews

    Commando Game: Deadly Pursuit (1984)

    The ex-video store copy I have of this lists the category as “WAR”. That might not be completely true. This Video 2 Video extravaganza isn’t quite as good as the previous…

  • Reviews

    Copperhead (1983)

    Copperhead is a movie for people who really, really hate snakes. It’s also a movie for people who really, really love guns. It’s also a movie for people who really, really…

  • Reviews

    Corpse Grinders, The (1971)

    Some people work on automobiles. Others perform delicate surgery. Others still, practice law. However, only one person can claim ownership of The Corpse Grinders. His name is Ted V. Mikels. He…

  • Reviews

    Cross of Seven Jewels, The (1987)

    Imagine you’re in Naples, a picturesque city along the cerulean Mediterranean Sea, a charming Old World city that dates back to the Bronze Age. There are centuries-old palazzos, piazzas, and villas…

  • Reviews

    Cuadecuc, Vampir (1971)

    In Jean-Luc Godard’s Masculin Féminin, a character explains why he had sex with his cousin at a funeral. It wasn’t a form of rebellion or an act of love. It was…

  • Reviews

    Curse Of Bigfoot (1976)

    It was around 1982 or so. I had been given a tape recorder for my birthday and some 60 minute tapes. My career in whatever-it-is-I-do began! I used to do half-hour…

  • Reviews

    Curse of the Alpha Stone, The (1972)

    Dr. Abe Adams is a scientist who does science things like type on a typewriter and pour frothy liquids from one container into another. He is a serious scientist doing serious…

  • Reviews

    Curse Of The Headless Horseman (1973)

    It’s really not about the horseman. This isn’t a Sleepy Hollow remake. Curse Of The Headless Horseman was made by Leonard Kirtman, who made Carnival Of Blood. If you haven’t seen…

  • Reviews

    Dance Or Die (1987)

    If Lita Ford had a baby with Whitesnake’s jeggings, you’d get a song with a searing guitar solo and lyrics like this: “You’re reality is a nightmare, this is what it…

  • Reviews

    Dark Power, The (1985)

    An idyllic day in the swampy township of Belews Creek. We sweep across gray skies and brown grass. A flyer tacked to a dead tree reads: SAMMY & EARL “THE FIX-IT…

  • Reviews

    Day Of The Reaper (1984)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. First, I want you to know that I recently waded in the Pacific Ocean for the first time. Second, I want you…

  • Reviews

    Dead Don’t Talk, The (1970)

    After seeing The Dead Don’t Talk, it’s obvious that Strauss’s Also sprach Zarathustra was misused in 2001: A Space Odyssey. The piece sounds much better accompanying three Turkish men while they…

  • Reviews

    Deadly Love (1987)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. What is deadly love? Deadly love is carving a loved one’s name in your palm. Deadly love is defending your girlfriend with…

  • Reviews

    Deadly Trigger (1985)

    Remember those Doublemint gum commercials with twins doing twin things like riding tandem bikes, playing doubles tennis, rowing canoes, and throwing beach balls to dolphins? Double your refreshment! Double your pleasure!…

  • Reviews

    Deadly Weapons (1974)

    After her boyfriend is ruthlessly snuffed by Harry Reems and his substantial mustache, Chesty Morgan, the “successful advertising executive,” stares through a sliding glass door. And weeps. The Saline tears cascade…

  • Reviews

    Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

    Who needs Freddy Krueger when we have Death Bed: The Bed That Eats? Deep within a forest, a cobblestone embankment houses an underground cave. Inside the cave lies Death Bed: The…

  • Reviews

    Death Brings Roses (197?)

    Chuck Watts just made love to a gorgeous prostitute. While gingerly buttoning his pants, she glares at him and says, “When you make love, it’s like going to the toilet.” Hiya,…

  • Reviews

    Death By Invitation (1971)

    Death By Invitation proves that “Women’s Lib” has always been a good thing. During colonial times, Lise is dragged through a town square. Some of the locals wear KISS make-up and…

  • Reviews

    Death Nurse (1987)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. A surgeon wears a dish rag over his face. Rubber bands hold it in place. He wipes blood on a patient’s hairy…

  • Reviews

    Death Row Diner (1988)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. The Noid does not live comfortably today. His royalty checks from Domino’s Pizza dried up long ago. Nintendo won’t even return his…

  • Reviews

    Death Run (1987)

    Some movies have training montages of shirtless men using exercise machines. But only one movie has a training montage of shirtless men using each other as exercise machines. DEATH RUN! Nuclear…

  • Reviews

    Death Shock (1981)

    All Hail, Walpurgis Night! The Witches’ Sabbath is nigh. Light the bonfires and celebrate! The day itself is named after Saint Walpurga. I’m not completely sure why, unless she is the…

  • Reviews

    Death Spa (1988)

    Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. I just slid my keycard to get into the Star Body Health Spa, but it wouldn’t work. Fuck this computer shit. Death…

  • Reviews

    Death Warrior (1984)

    It’s a known fact that ninjas from all over the world are capable of incredible feats. However, only ninjas from Turkey can throw a rock that turns into a bomb when…

  • Reviews

    Death Weekend (1976)

    The wise philosopher Loverboy once said, “Everybody’s working for the weekend.” But Loverboy wasn’t thinking about this particular weekend. Death Weekend. Loverboy wasn’t thinking much at all. He certainly wasn’t thinking…

  • Reviews

    Decay (1998)

    Dr. Richard Puller, DDS has problems. He’s tired. He’s busy. His waiting room is packed. With skanks. Everywhere he looks, there are skanks doing skank things like wearing skank outfits and…