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  • Reviews

    Black Connection, The (1974)

    Here’s the plan: You go to this place and meet this guy, and then I’ll drive the car around to this other place, and then you’ll wait for me, and then…

  • Reviews

    Executioner, The, Part II (1984)

    To answer your question, no, there is no The Executioner, Part I. You can look if you want, but you won’t find it. Because it doesn’t exist. There are a lot…

  • Reviews

    Horrible Sexy Vampire, The (1970)

    A car zips along a country road. A sexy lady in a fuzzy coat cozies up to the driver, who kind of looks like Kevin Spacey, not that it matters. “Arthur…

  • Reviews

    Satan’s Bed (1984)

    I’ve never cared for Freddy Krueger’s outfit. In fact, I’ve always felt that Freddy would have been more imposing if he wore a white dress shirt and stonewash jeans. I’m not…

  • Reviews

    Golden Girl (1974)

    When you sit down to watch a Turkish trash-action movie, you expect three things: 1. It will be in Turkish. 2. It will make no sense. 3. It will have a…

  • Reviews

    Legend Of Horror (1972)

    Nine seconds of this movie are presented “In Magicmation.” The other 75 minutes are not. You do the math. I like cobwebs. I’m into cemeteries. I also think it’s neat when…

  • Reviews

    Art Of Dying, The (1991)

    Wings Hauser is in this movie. This is literally the only thing you need to know about The Art of Dying. That’s pretty much my review. Whenever Wings Hauser shows up,…

  • Reviews

    Killing Zone, The (1991)

    The most important thing you need to know about The Killing Zone is that it contains arm-wrestling. That’s when grown men grasp hands to prove whose arm is stronger and therefore,…

  • Reviews

    Dead Don’t Talk, The (1970)

    After seeing The Dead Don’t Talk, it’s obvious that Strauss’s Also sprach Zarathustra was misused in 2001: A Space Odyssey. The piece sounds much better accompanying three Turkish men while they…

  • Reviews

    Scary Tales (1993)

    A hooded figure with glowing eyes appears in a dense plume of mist. He’s encircled by silhouetted children who wait for him to read from an ancient tome. His voice emanates…

  • Reviews

    Death Weekend (1976)

    The wise philosopher Loverboy once said, “Everybody’s working for the weekend.” But Loverboy wasn’t thinking about this particular weekend. Death Weekend. Loverboy wasn’t thinking much at all. He certainly wasn’t thinking…

  • Reviews

    Black Alley Cats, The (1973)

    You can make a successful statement through research, planning, and communication. You can also make a successful statement through bottomless karate. The last line of decipherable dialogue in The Black Alley…

  • Reviews

    Love Butcher, The (1975)

    Imagine, if you will, a long, steady pan of a garden. It’s blurry. You squint to make out some grass…some hedges…maybe some roses. You finally understand what it’s like to have…

  • Reviews

    Satan’s Bed (1965)

    Recently there was a line of menswear that hit New York City, Tokyo, and London. The collection offered everything today’s professional man would want: trousers, shirts, blazers, hoodies. They were “ready-to-wear”…

  • Reviews

    Cuadecuc, Vampir (1971)

    In Jean-Luc Godard’s Masculin Féminin, a character explains why he had sex with his cousin at a funeral. It wasn’t a form of rebellion or an act of love. It was…

  • Reviews

    Punk Vacation (1990)

    Question: What do punks do on their vacation? And what exactly do they need a vacation from? Being punk isn’t a job. It’s a lifestyle, and you can’t take a vacation…

  • Reviews

    Manson Massacre, The (1971)

    I know nothing about the facts surrounding Charles Manson and his crimes. But I do know that The Manson Massacre has a scene where a baby gets thrown into a dumpster.…

  • Reviews

    Blonde Death (1983)

    Pizza. Solo dance parties. Humping. These are the building blocks of existence, according to teenage southern baptist Tammy. Her upright parents have an opposing stance on the subject, but find it…

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