You’ve got to pick your battles. No one understands this more than Ivan Cardoso. Before directing his own films, Cardoso was a protege of José Mojica Marins aka Coffin Joe. He…
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Joseph A. Ziemba
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When I was a kid, My cousin Brian had a Commodore 64 computer. This was the greatest thing in the world. It wasn’t great because we could play games like Montezuma’s…
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This movie is about a guy with a mustache. His name is Master. He watches naked people on computer screens through the magic of a “remote camera.” The camera is controlled…
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You can do a lot of things with fingerless gloves, a gold belly chain, plastic vampire teeth, and Tina Turner’s “What’s Love Got To Do With It.” Sexandroide is one of…
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Witchcraft ’70 achieves the impossible — it makes Satan boring. This faux-mondo documentary is all about repetition. Narrator Alberto Bevilaqua (aka Edmund Purdom from Pieces) explains that hidden cameras have captured…
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Well, it’s not that great. The Great Hollywood Rape Slaughter opens with a movie-within-a-movie that resembles the movie-within-a-movie from A Clockwork Orange — the one that “reforms” Alex by forcing him…
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I went for a walk. The Shangri-Las were on my headphones. The roads were quiet and the sky was overcast. The only things that existed were Mary Weiss’s dual-tracked vocals, reverb…
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Shortly after moving to Los Angeles, I went to a party in Hollywood. I was introduced to a guy who “made movies” because “you like movies too, and it would be…
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I have no insight to offer. I have no hyperbole to abuse. I have no earth to shift. Because I just saw someone fucking an invisible watermelon. That’s not totally true.…
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Frank Harris’ My Life And Loves was published in 1925. Mr. Harris was famous because he had famous friends, and also because My Life was a 1000 page memoir about having…
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In Laurel & Hardy’s Our Relations, Oliver Hardy says, “You can trust me insipidly.” It’s one of their most enduring puns and there’s a good reason why. Ten minutes into The…
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Finally, somebody got it right. Dracula is a perfunctory individual. Perhaps, he always has been. No matter how many times I’ve tried to finish Bram Stoker’s novel or attempted to survive…
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As a kid, I spent a lot of time with my first cousins. They farted in my face, trashed my Millennium Falcon, and let their friends fart in my face. But…
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After her boyfriend is ruthlessly snuffed by Harry Reems and his substantial mustache, Chesty Morgan, the “successful advertising executive,” stares through a sliding glass door. And weeps. The Saline tears cascade…
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You want to know everything there is to know about this person. You want to hear them talk for hours, about anything they choose to talk about. You want them to…
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This movie could be considered a proto-slasher. I prefer to consider it a rite of passage. Another Son of Sam is dirt-cheap “true crime” rip-off has no connection to Son Of…
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Chesty Morgan is dead. Long live Chesty Morgan. Green velvet curtains and exactly one fake potted plant adorn the world’s tiniest funeral parlor. In the center of the room, purple drapery…
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Joy comes in many, many forms. For instance: “Hey man you fucked my woman last night I’m going to kill you.” Such a phenomenal “sentence”. You don’t even need the context…
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In 1992, I watched Nirvana smash their instruments on Saturday Night Live. My dad was in the room. When the commercial hit, he looked at me, laughed, and said, “Just like…
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Let’s get negative. The title track of The Velvet Underground’s White Light/White Heat LP kills me. It’s like a furious french kiss in broad daylight, sloppy and electrifying in its brevity…