All Posts By

Joseph A. Ziemba

  • Features

    Exquisites 2011: Films Of The Year

    Shortly after moving to Los Angeles, I went to a party in Hollywood. I was introduced to a guy who “made movies” because “you like movies too, and it would be…

  • Reviews

    Henry’s Night In (1969)

    I have no insight to offer. I have no hyperbole to abuse. I have no earth to shift. Because I just saw someone fucking an invisible watermelon. That’s not totally true.…

  • Reviews

    Outlaw Motorcycles (1966)

    Frank Harris’ My Life And Loves was published in 1925. Mr. Harris was famous because he had famous friends, and also because My Life was a 1000 page memoir about having…

  • Reviews

    Grapes Of Death, The (1978)

    In Laurel & Hardy’s Our Relations, Oliver Hardy says, “You can trust me insipidly.” It’s one of their most enduring puns and there’s a good reason why. Ten minutes into The…

  • Reviews

    Drive-In Massacre (1977)

    As a kid, I spent a lot of time with my first cousins. They farted in my face, trashed my Millennium Falcon, and let their friends fart in my face. But…

  • Reviews

    Deadly Weapons (1974)

    After her boyfriend is ruthlessly snuffed by Harry Reems and his substantial mustache, Chesty Morgan, the “successful advertising executive,” stares through a sliding glass door. And weeps. The Saline tears cascade…

  • Reviews

    Axe (1977)

    You want to know everything there is to know about this person. You want to hear them talk for hours, about anything they choose to talk about. You want them to…

  • Reviews

    Another Son Of Sam (1977)

    This movie could be considered a proto-slasher. I prefer to consider it a rite of passage. Another Son of Sam is dirt-cheap “true crime” rip-off has no connection to Son Of…

  • Reviews

    Immoral Three, The (1975)

    Chesty Morgan is dead. Long live Chesty Morgan. Green velvet curtains and exactly one fake potted plant adorn the world’s tiniest funeral parlor. In the center of the room, purple drapery…

  • Reviews

    Gunblast (19??)

    Joy comes in many, many forms. For instance: “Hey man you fucked my woman last night I’m going to kill you.” Such a phenomenal “sentence”. You don’t even need the context…

  • Reviews

    Murder In A Blue World (1973)

    In 1992, I watched Nirvana smash their instruments on Saturday Night Live. My dad was in the room. When the commercial hit, he looked at me, laughed, and said, “Just like…

  • Reviews

    Oddo (1967)

    Let’s get negative. The title track of The Velvet Underground’s White Light/White Heat LP kills me. It’s like a furious french kiss in broad daylight, sloppy and electrifying in its brevity…

  • Reviews

    Thigh Spy (1967)

    Last week, a woman moved in to the apartment above mine. She had loud sex two days later. That same evening, I was walking my dog and she introduced herself and…

  • Reviews

    Stick It In Your Ear (1970)

    Is this it? Yes. This is it. No matter who you are, there are moments in life when all sense of direction disappears. These moments may originate with tragedy, or simply…

  • Reviews

    Room Of Chains, The (1972)

    According to my Dad’s friend, “Disco” Bob Schmul, the key component for a “#1 Best Party” is a vagina with a snake hanging out on it. And guess what? This movie…

  • Reviews

    My Friends Need Killing (1976)

    This friend needs hugging. My Friends Need Killing is dead serious. And very determined. Attempting to communicate the grim consequences that war reaps on people, the film’s tenor is callous and…

  • Reviews

    Killer’s Moon (1978)

    Viddy I-wasn’t-sure-at-first-but-now-that-I-think-about-it-I’m-feeling-kinda-well, my brothers. I don’t want to mislead you. Killer’s Moon is not a strict derivative of A Clockwork Orange. At least, not in the meta-enhanced sense that emboldens Eloy…

  • Reviews

    Scream For Vengeance (1980)

    They (don’t really) scream for anything. But I scream for mustaches. Judiciously. For the past thirty years, Scream for Vengeance has led the world to believe that it’s an onerously brutal…

  • Reviews

    Valerie And Her Week Of Wonders (1970)

    Fantasies can get you into trouble. But what’s trouble in the face of some vampiric menstruation? Valerie And Her Week Of Wonders has a lot going on. At its base, the…

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