I have no insight to offer. I have no hyperbole to abuse. I have no earth to shift. Because I just saw someone fucking an invisible watermelon. That’s not totally true.…
All Posts By
Joseph A. Ziemba
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Frank Harris’ My Life And Loves was published in 1925. Mr. Harris was famous because he had famous friends, and also because My Life was a 1000 page memoir about having…
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In Laurel & Hardy’s Our Relations, Oliver Hardy says, “You can trust me insipidly.” It’s one of their most enduring puns and there’s a good reason why. Ten minutes into The…
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Finally, somebody got it right. Dracula is a perfunctory individual. Perhaps, he always has been. No matter how many times I’ve tried to finish Bram Stoker’s novel or attempted to survive…
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As a kid, I spent a lot of time with my first cousins. They farted in my face, trashed my Millennium Falcon, and let their friends fart in my face. But…
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After her boyfriend is ruthlessly snuffed by Harry Reems and his substantial mustache, Chesty Morgan, the “successful advertising executive,” stares through a sliding glass door. And weeps. The Saline tears cascade…
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You want to know everything there is to know about this person. You want to hear them talk for hours, about anything they choose to talk about. You want them to…
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This movie could be considered a proto-slasher. I prefer to consider it a rite of passage. Another Son of Sam is dirt-cheap “true crime” rip-off has no connection to Son Of…
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Chesty Morgan is dead. Long live Chesty Morgan. Green velvet curtains and exactly one fake potted plant adorn the world’s tiniest funeral parlor. In the center of the room, purple drapery…
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Joy comes in many, many forms. For instance: “Hey man you fucked my woman last night I’m going to kill you.” Such a phenomenal “sentence”. You don’t even need the context…
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In 1992, I watched Nirvana smash their instruments on Saturday Night Live. My dad was in the room. When the commercial hit, he looked at me, laughed, and said, “Just like…
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Let’s get negative. The title track of The Velvet Underground’s White Light/White Heat LP kills me. It’s like a furious french kiss in broad daylight, sloppy and electrifying in its brevity…
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Last week, a woman moved in to the apartment above mine. She had loud sex two days later. That same evening, I was walking my dog and she introduced herself and…
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Is this it? Yes. This is it. No matter who you are, there are moments in life when all sense of direction disappears. These moments may originate with tragedy, or simply…
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According to my Dad’s friend, “Disco” Bob Schmul, the key component for a “#1 Best Party” is a vagina with a snake hanging out on it. And guess what? This movie…
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This friend needs hugging. My Friends Need Killing is dead serious. And very determined. Attempting to communicate the grim consequences that war reaps on people, the film’s tenor is callous and…
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Viddy I-wasn’t-sure-at-first-but-now-that-I-think-about-it-I’m-feeling-kinda-well, my brothers. I don’t want to mislead you. Killer’s Moon is not a strict derivative of A Clockwork Orange. At least, not in the meta-enhanced sense that emboldens Eloy…
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They (don’t really) scream for anything. But I scream for mustaches. Judiciously. For the past thirty years, Scream for Vengeance has led the world to believe that it’s an onerously brutal…
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Fantasies can get you into trouble. But what’s trouble in the face of some vampiric menstruation? Valerie And Her Week Of Wonders has a lot going on. At its base, the…
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“Film critics are writers, and they are hostile and uneasy in the presence of a visual phenomenon.” That quote appears in Gregory Battock’s 1967 paperback, The New American Cinema. The speaker…