“My name is Christina Ruth Cromwell. . . . I think my stepfather is trying to murder my mother.” Cue the sweeping strings and ominous horns. And wouldn’t you know it,…
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Annie Choi
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This movie is directed by Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, aka Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington from Welcome Back, Kotter. He also plays the lead. This movie also stars Karen Black. She is not the…
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Two film critics sit in a dark theater, just like Siskel and Ebert, only their names are Phillips and Brill. Phillips leaves the top four buttons of his shirt open so…
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The back cover of Blood Orgy of the Leather Girls warns that there are “assorted dissections, dismemberments, castrations, disembowelments, tortures, knife fights, cold-blooded shootings, drug hallucination ‘freak out’ scenes, and philosophical…
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Remember in high school when you heard that smoking banana peels would get you high? Then some kid who may or may not have been you totally tried it? And remember…
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All aboard the Terror Express! Making stops at Smutville, Whoresburg, and Rapey-Rape-Town. Dining car is in the rear. Please move about the aisles carefully; the entire train is dripping in sleaze.…
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Some partygoers count down the final moments of 1959. They wear frilly dresses and dance a Congo line across a hotel ballroom. Happy New Year! One woman gets sucked into a…
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I spent a lot of 2013 on a plane, which means I spent a lot of 2013 reading and watching movies and trying not to kill the guy poaching my armrest.…
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A man is riding a motorcycle. Blue jean bell-bottoms, long stringy hair, the open road. He’s wearing a helmet because safety first. The helmet says J.C. This could stand for anything…
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If you have a mouth, then you love Doritos. And since you love Doritos, you know that they’ve got some EXTREME flavors. There’s “Ranched Dipped Hot Wings” and “Chili Heatwave” and…
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There are many, many types of power—solar, wind, black, white, to name a few. There’s the power of you, the power of positive thinking, the power to make grown men cry,…
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Sometimes, all you want to do is stay at home and sit on your couch. You love your couch. It’s so comfortable! You particularly love how it’s right in front of…
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This movie has taught me two important things about phone sex: First of all, it’s not phone sex. It’s phone fantasy, which is, as we all know, pronounced “fawntasy.” Second, phone…
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Here’s the plan: You go to this place and meet this guy, and then I’ll drive the car around to this other place, and then you’ll wait for me, and then…
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To answer your question, no, there is no The Executioner, Part I. You can look if you want, but you won’t find it. Because it doesn’t exist. There are a lot…
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A car zips along a country road. A sexy lady in a fuzzy coat cozies up to the driver, who kind of looks like Kevin Spacey, not that it matters. “Arthur…
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When you sit down to watch a Turkish trash-action movie, you expect three things: 1. It will be in Turkish. 2. It will make no sense. 3. It will have a…
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There is a heavy make-out session happening on a couch. Boobs are grabbed. Butts are pawed. Moans are moaned. There is a flash of penis. These are the sights and sounds…
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Wings Hauser is in this movie. This is literally the only thing you need to know about The Art of Dying. That’s pretty much my review. Whenever Wings Hauser shows up,…
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The most important thing you need to know about The Killing Zone is that it contains arm-wrestling. That’s when grown men grasp hands to prove whose arm is stronger and therefore,…