Some zombie ghosts are having a party in a decrepit flat. They’re listening to music and eating soup while a zombie ghost child beats a lady tied to a bedpost. This is my kind of party. But quickly they disband because a non-zombie, non-ghost couple is moving in. With lightning speed, the spirits clear their booze and food and scatter. It’s like how when your mom knocks to come in and you have to hide your bong and empty beer cans, as if she can’t smell it from the hallway, but seriously, bro, why are you still living at home, get a job and move out of the basement.
Li Chun and Siu just can’t believe how cheap this apartment is. It’s huge! Perfect for their growing family. But bargains aren’t always a bargain: the apartment faces a cemetery.
True story: Joe’s parents live next to a cemetery. The real estate listing stated that the neighbors were quiet. I find this absolutely delightful. My neighbor is a lawyer who listens to The Little Mermaid soundtrack on full volume. I often wish I lived next door to a cemetery.
Li Chun and Siu have a terrible relationship. They absolutely hate each other. They bicker and blame, seethe and explode. Good thing they have a young daughter and have a baby on the way! As we all know, all relationship problems are solved by bringing in more humans into the world. At some point, a ghost scares Li Chun and she falls down the stairs, losing her baby. Siu blames her because had she worn her contacts, then she wouldn’t have been distracted by walking down the stairs while cleaning her glasses. That’s right, everyone, wearing glasses kills babies. This means I have killed many babies. Killing them right now, in fact.
Li Chun argues with Siu, but to no avail.
“Stop or you’ll be accused of murdering my child!”
With that, he rushes out the door and into the arms of his mistress. Siu is an absolute penis of a husband and he should be kicked off a building. Seriously, this guy is the worst.
Soon, Li Chun starts acting strange. She’s starting to wear her contacts more. She’s dressing a little more sexy, wearing more make-up. What’s happening? Could she be possessed? This question is answered when she turns into a werewolf and wreaks havoc. Siu employs a team of parapsychologists to help cast out the evil. He also employs a team of white Hare Krishna.
True story: In my neighborhood there’s a band of Hare Krishna who dance around in their orange robes and shake their tambourines and every day they push me closer and closer to Satan.
Possessed II pretty much has everything you’ve ever wanted out of a Category III Hong Kong film. There’s gore, nudity, exploding TVs, a literal bucket of blood, a dead cat that may or may not be real, and a scene where someone literally tears off their own face. Heads melt, monsters rise, an actual owl eats an actual rat, and a chubby kid bullies a girl on the playground and says, “I’m Superman and I’m going to make you eat all your boogers.” He then proceeds to stick his finger in his nose and bring it dangerously close to her mouth.
And in the middle of it all, there’s a frank discussion about the differences between men’s and women’s farts. Hint: One of them is gentler. School is in session because this movie will teach you things.
From The Cat to Devil Fetus, there’s a deep catalog of Hong Kong Category III films that consistently deliver mayhem, and Possessed II is one of them. This film is a spectacle, a complete joy from start to finish, despite the fact that the lead character is so unredeemable. It drips with ambition and charm, and the wild storyline careens and explodes with practical effects. I don’t know if there’s a Possessed I—and I’ll die trying to find it—but this blood-splattered gem of a sequel proves that Satan exists. Hail the dark lord.
