The Cat (1992)

I am a cat person, but I do not have a cat. I just find cats refreshing. They’re total assholes that don’t care about your feelings, and they aim to please no one but themselves. They sit in boxes, bat shit off of tables, and puke up their own hair. What absolute fuckers. They’re the best. I mean, I like dogs too. But what do dogs do? Guide blind people and sniff for bombs and find missing children in the forest. Who cares? Cats purr when you pet them and suddenly they scratch and bite you because they decided you’re a dick. Why are you such a dick, dude?

But cats do much, much more than lounge about and scratch up your couch. They fight murderous aliens, steal artifacts from museums, crash through windows, and fall asleep in our arms.

This is a story as old as time. 

There’s one man. One woman. One cat. And a giant gory alien that looks like a writhing tree made out of spiky intestines. The alien eats, the cat protects, and the woman flies. It all started long ago when an “evil influence” took over a star. The star’s inhabitants escaped and came to Earth where they took human—and cat—form. Now the evil has come for revenge. 

The Cat is epic. That’s really the only word for it. Everything about this film is larger than life, from the endless, fiery explosions to the throbbing alien that digests bodies until there’s nothing left but grisly skeletons. The practical effects are nonstop, each more stunning than the last. There are melted bodies, oozing eyeballs, and severed limbs. Also a cat. There are stop-motion alien beasties, writhing tentacles, and a gun deal that goes horribly right. Also a cat. There are countless men set on fire, diarrhea that gushes into a hobo’s mouth, and a woman who serves a giant tray of crabs in slow motion. Also a cat. And just when you thought the movie couldn’t get any better, a slobbery, sleepy dog shows up. He’s a very, very good boy. This leads to what is definitively the best dog-and-cat fight ever committed to film. This is it, friends. Strap in. It can’t be missed, and it can’t be oversold. This is what you’ve always wanted.

Once again Ngai Choi Lam unleashes his unparalleled talent and vision onto the world. We’d expect nothing less from the mad genius who brought us Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, an otherworldly kung-fu prison adventure where the titular hero literally punches through heads. The Cat takes all the best parts of Riki-Oh and then adds, well, a cat. It’s equal parts gore, ambition, and combustible vodka brewed in a bathtub.

Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.

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