Into the Spider-Verse!
Somewhere in Ghana, a psychic named Ladyspider and a little person named Oracle guard an ancient bowl. This isn’t a bowl that you can smoke or use to transport Lucky Charms from a box to your mouth — it holds the ashes of Ananse, an ancient spider-god. The bowl also gives “special powers” to whoever guards it. In this case, Ladyspider and Oracle gain the ability to kidnap people and beat children. But not on Tuesdays! Because that’s their day off. The power can only end when Ananse’s spirit escapes from the bowl, finds a human host, and transforms into . . . wait for it.
For the next 30 minutes, a gazillion things happen. A crimelord and his underlings murder teenagers so that they can use their insides for organ trafficking. Couples argue. A stoner dry-humps a wall. Gang members talk about castration. Eventually, the crimelord summons a demon who looks like Green Goblin from the exquisite Spider-Man fan film The Green Goblin’s Last Stand. The demon disappears after two minutes. But who cares because it’s Tuesday and we all know what that means: the bowl is unguarded! Two kids knock it over! Ananse possesses a policeman! THEREFORE, SPIDER-MAN LIVES AND HE ENACTS JUSTICE WITH FIREBALLS AND BACK FLIP DROP-KICKS!! But unlike Peter Parker, Miles Morales, Spider-Ham, and Spider-Gwen, this Spidey is rendered by CGI that looks like it was regurgitated by a PS3 in the eighth dimension.
To quote real-life super hero Renee Harmon in Jungle Trap, let me lay it on the line:
Ananse: Parts 1 + 2 is the greatest horror franchise ever made (starring Spider-Man).
Trying to rationalize the existence of these two 40-minute movies is like asking me to give up ice cream for one weekend — it’s just not possible. Stylistically, the subtly dark themes and unreal production values of Ananse feel similar to Who Killed Captain Alex? (the hand-made action epic from Uganda) and 666: Beware the End Is At Hand (one of dozens of shot-on-video morality-horrors from Nigeria). But this webhead’s adventures are even further removed from reality. Like Son of Dracula, Boardinghouse, and Things, Ananse isn’t just “next level.” It’s all levels, now and forever.
In addition to the movie’s inconceivable star — a murderous, ultra-no-fi CGI Spider-Man who moans like a ghost and makes the bootleg Spider-Man in 3 Dev Adam look like Tobey Maguire — Ananse radiates acid-tinged mayhem. Axe murders, disembowelment, smoke bombs, and teleportation are all depicted through the magic of cartoonish CGI. A man with glowing red eyes shoots people in the face. There’s a recreation of the “bullet time” scene from The Matrix, and the spirit of a dead girl leaves her body so that it can destroy criminals. Ananse takes a lot of time to ramp up. But once it does, the movie places your soul onto a magic carpet ride that doesn’t end until divine elation settles in.
There’s only one thing left to say: Excelsior!
