My beloved friends, come gather around me and a few well-heeled Miss Asia contestants so I can tell you a little story about a curse. It’s a special curse—a blood curse. It was placed on me by an ancient demon who’s worshiped by a group of nefarious martial artists and their even more nefarious leader Agula. He is a Great Wizard with dramatic make-up and a thirst for world domination.
I’m warned by experts that this curse will burst from my body if I engage in acts of carnal intimacy. Of course, “I don’t believe in witchcraft; I only believe in aliens” and absolutely no one will stop me from making a pants sandwich with a naked woman who just shows up in my shower. So now, I, a mortally cursed doctor, must venture to Thailand to find a way to break this evil. I enlist the help of the Black Dragon, who is trying to break the Ghost-Face Curse placed on his girlfriend, the beautiful and naked Bachu. Seems like everyone’s cursed around here. I also enlist the help of a plucky reporter who is also an absurdly wealthy real estate heiress (Maggie Cheung) and my best friend who is also an expert in witchcraft (Chow Yun-Fat). You are thinking, holy shit this is the royal family of Hong Kong cinema, all we need is Michelle Yeoh and you are right, we do need her—we always need her—but she does not show up because she was kicking ass elsewhere and being awesome.
From here, we battle flying demons, wiggling xenomorphs, sword-slinging monks, and horny nerds. We discover cold-pressed baby juice, which is exactly what it sounds like. Torsos are ripped, heads are crushed, chests are impaled. Faces melt and worms enter one way and out another. And of course there are maggots; there are always maggots. As a bonus, every single glass coffee table in Hong Kong is demolished; it is a terrible time to be living room furniture.
Directed by Ngai Choi Lam, the perfect genius who brought us The Cat, The Peacock King, and Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky, The Seventh Curse is another riotous, fist-pumping hit that delivers on pretty much every element. The plot moves, the action sequences are high-octane, and the film explodes with practical effects like beast transformations, skeleton puppetry, and oozing entrails. There’s also a scene where someone is saved by eating a piece of boob. And that’s not even the best part of the movie (though it’s up there). The Seventh Curse draws heavily from American blockbusters like Raiders of the Lost Ark and Alien, combines them with classic kung fu film tropes, and then runs all of it straight to hell, in a good way (hail Satan). I refused to blink during the epic, gory showdown between a demon monster and a demon baby because I didn’t want to miss a stunt. So my recommendation is don’t blink. This is possible, I believe in you.
And after all the bloodshed, ancient curses, and bone-shattering body slams, the movie ends with a reminder that it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
