Onna Ramboh (1991)

The hoi polloi mingle at a black tie birthday party for a teenager. Think of it as a really fancy bat mitzvah, only Japanese. A singer belts out “Happy Birthday Dear Heartache,” which does not embrace the celebratory spirit of a bat mitzvah. It’s the song you play when you want people to leave. A lady in a hot pink cocktail dress and a feather boa wanders around the mansion. In case you’re wondering, it’s Mio Takaki from Ultraman Tiga. She walks right into a drug deal.

“Hey, boys!”

Shots are fired. Guests duck behind pineapples. The lady pulls out a gun from her garter, which is the not the safest place for a gun, though it is the sexiest. Soon dead thugs lie in a fountain. The gunfight ruins the birthday party, but that’s what happens when you invite a bunch of drug dealers.

A porky mob boss is furious despite the fact that there are topless women swimming in his pool. He wears sunglasses at night because shits are not given. He has a problem on his hands, and that problem is named Lady Ramboh. She’s been messing up their drug deals. They need a find a way to stop her and her fellow G-men. But how?

Lady Ramboh and two girls wander around the Philippines. One of the girls may or may not be her sister—the film goes between English and Japanese, but without subtitles. There’s a montage of shopping, swimming, and general Girls’ Day Out stuff, which ends with a bathtub filled with snakes. Lady Ramboh is unfazed. She won’t let anything ruin a fun trip with the girl who may or may not be her sister! But then the girl gets raped through the pants and killed through the blouse. That pretty much ruins the whole vacation. Lady Ramboh seeks revenge. And also justice. But mostly revenge. She has a room full of grenade launchers to prove it.

Under the guidance of a G-man, who is also a “professional vet,” Lady Ramboh trains in guerrilla warfare. This requires a montage. It also requires camouflage short shorts. Meanwhile, the mob hires a lady assassin in a skintight dress. She warns that this job won’t be easy, but it can be done. She strips into her killing outfit. This includes short shorts, a halter top, and a machine gun. Lady Ramboh also changes into her killing outfit. This includes a studded leather bra, a short leather skirt, thigh high boots, and a vest with explosives.

The final showdown is less of a showdown and more of a war. There are booby traps, explosions, more explosions, a mercy killing, and countless references to Rambo. It is a war where guns never run out of bullets and watchtowers blow up to the tune of scorching guitars and electric violins. If we must go to war, then we should go to this one.

Onna Ramboh is what the people call “a good time.” There’s something for everyone—boobs, guns, lady assassins, and a pit full of spikes. The entire budget was clearly spent on pyrotechnics and leather skirts, and it was money well spent. Even though the movie is mostly in Japanese, there are just enough English scenes to set up the plot. But the entire movie speaks the universal language of explosions and leather bras. While there are some slow scenes, the movie doesn’t ever lag because it’s only an hour long.

I didn’t come to rescue Onna Rambo from you. I came here to rescue you from Onna Rambo.

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