David “The Rock” Nelson flails around in a Tor Johnson mask and enters a Chicago library like a hurricane. Inside, he terrorizes the employees, who are assembling an art exhibit. The library in question is one that I actually frequent. In real life. But . . . is this real life?!
Hosted by Nelson in a haunted cemetery (aka his long-suffering basement), Monster Tales presents three gonzo shorts from 2002: Nosferatu Bites (40 mins.), Tor Terrorizes (50 mins.), and War of the Werewolves aka Werewolf vs. Wolfman (the rest of the two hour tape). Since this is my fifth David “The Rock” Nelson video experience, I now consider myself an expert on what makes his films successful for the viewer. The formula is simple: the weirder, the better. When the Rock eats doughnuts while yelling at the camera for ten minutes, I pass out. But when he captures a beautiful moment of surreal spooky magic while shooting in a real cemetery, I get twinkles in my eyes. Monster Tales is one for three in terms of twinkles. But oh, how brightly they shine.
If you’re a Nelson fan, Nosferatu Bites and Tor Terrorizes will feel familiar. Both shorts follow the same trajectory: a rubber-masked monster (Nosferatu or Tor Johnson, take your pick) terrorizes Chicago bar Delilah’s and the Monster Bash picnic, Detective Rock refuses to believe said monster’s existence (mostly while talking on the phone), and barrels of food go down the ol’ tubes. Both shorts are spread a little thin, with recycled footage and situations held over from other videos. But that’s not to say the hilarity level is toned down at all. Check out the brazenly gratuitous rubber-bat footage (complete with solarized night vision), Tor’s outhouse bathroom breaks, cuts signified by Nelson pulling a remote out of his pocket and pressing “stop” while in costume, over-use of Criswell’s “Never to return again!” line from Plan 9 From Outer Space, and an amazing movie-within-a-movie called Werewolf Meets Tor.
You might expect War of the Werewolves to follow suit; out of this world by Earth standards, but pretty straight forward by Nelson standards? Beware, my fiend!
This dose of werewolf vs. werewolf action finds David “The Rock” Nelson at his most eccentric, and therefore, most engrossing. Dr. Weirdo (Nelson) is concocting a werewolf plasma potion comprised of Kool-Aid, orange juice, and mold. After drinking, we get a transformation scene to end all transformation scenes. Unbeknownst to Dr. Weirdo, another werewolf, bred in a secret lab location, is also on the prowl! It all leads up to a hilarious final battle, which looks like it was choreographed by senior citizens. Right off the bat, things are different with War of the Werewolves. In keeping with the earlier Night of the Pumpkinman, this short features an actual narrative and a knack for diverging into totally unexpected tangents. It also has higher “production values” than Nelson’s other works. There are Super 8 exterior shots from his Marine stints, an out-of-nowhere-self-haircut, tons of rubber-masked werewolf footage, a spooky score, the Rock directing on-camera with his werewolf mask, and a pinnacle achievement: the pointed study of a gigantic turd in Nelson’s toilet.
I’ll let you soak that in.
