Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. There are many ways to rock. However, if you are unable to master rock’s most formidable weapon, the Cat Scream, there is…
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Today I learned that “Yesterday” is the most covered song of all time, and let it be known that I despise that song. It’s saccharine garbage and I won’t stand for…
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According to my Dad’s friend, “Disco” Bob Schmul, the key component for a “#1 Best Party” is a vagina with a snake hanging out on it. And guess what? This movie…
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If you are a person who likes movies, Run Coyote Run is a conflict of interest. Renee Harmon and James Bryan had a hand in some of the most remarkably defective…
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Belgians are known for their waffles, beer, fries, and chocolate. Now, I understand. With so much time spent on eating and drinking, who has time for orthodox filmmaking? Jean-Louis van Belle…
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I am not what you call a fan of children’s movies. I am not what you call a fan of children in general. But when I learned that Ngai Choi Lam…
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At this point, the act of watching unquestionably insane holiday-themed entertainment has eased its way out of my life. The older I get, the more respite I crave. Especially during the…
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It is an indisputable fact that Satan War is the greatest title in motion picture history next to Violent Shit. It is also an indisputable fact that someone in Satan War…
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Recently there was a line of menswear that hit New York City, Tokyo, and London. The collection offered everything today’s professional man would want: trousers, shirts, blazers, hoodies. They were “ready-to-wear”…
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I’ve never cared for Freddy Krueger’s outfit. In fact, I’ve always felt that Freddy would have been more imposing if he wore a white dress shirt and stonewash jeans. I’m not…
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In fourth grade, my art class was given an assignment to make something out of papier-mâché. There were no restrictions, unless you tried to make boobs. While other kids sculpted away on…
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Satan has developed a social conscience. It’s called “sex.” When it comes to the devil and sexuality, the line between reality and fantasy is often clear. For instance, we all know…
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This is an updated version of a review that was originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1990s Trash-Horror Odyssey. Who needs a Harryhausen when you have a Polonia? In 1987, Mark…
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A bloody carving knife is wielded by a woman whose torso is covered by a giant porcelain mask. Her hair turns red and curly and her right eye milks over when…
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Well, it finally arrived. I’d been wishing on a star for ages and the star came through for me. Turns out that I wasn’t ready for it. Dave Savage runs a…
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A hooded figure with glowing eyes appears in a dense plume of mist. He’s encircled by silhouetted children who wait for him to read from an ancient tome. His voice emanates…
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In line at the grocery store, I hoped that Samantha was going to be OK. Driving home, I hoped nothing terrible happened to Alan. Making breakfast the next morning, I tried…
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This is an updated version of a review that was originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1990s Trash-Horror Odyssey. Have you ever spent time with a 3-year-old? No? Well, this is…
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Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey. You love VFW heavy metal. You love hand puppets. And of course, you love the shit out of genital violence. Yet, you…
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“My name is Christina Ruth Cromwell. . . . I think my stepfather is trying to murder my mother.” Cue the sweeping strings and ominous horns. And wouldn’t you know it,…