Just when you thought it was safe to go in the water, here comes Aatank, the Bollywood version of Jaws.
In the first five minutes, an illegitimate child and his friend Peter fuck up a boat, get chased through a village, get beaten by a schoolmaster, and fall into a deep pit. The illegitimate child gets adopted by Peter’s mother, who, seconds later, dies very dramatically and sweatily. Peter gets sent off to live with relatives in the big city.
But where, do you ask, is the shark?
Meanwhile Jesu, a giant oaf of a man sporting denim cutoffs and a matching vest, protects the innocent citizens of a sleepy fishing village from Alphonso and his henchman. These thugs have been stealing the villagers’ daily catch and terrorizing everyone with merciless beatings and senseless acts of arson. But you can’t be too mad because Alphonso has a kennel full of the droopiest, drooliest, floppiest dogs who are all very, very good boys. Do you want a treat? Yes you do! Do you have a taste for human flesh? Yes you do! Such a good boy!
But where, do you ask, is the shark?
Now, with the discovery of a rare black pearl, fortunes can change on a dime. Promises are made. Schemes are hatched. Dance scenes unfurl in a sea of sequins and chiffon, including one where the most beautiful ladies strut for Alphonso. It’s one part cardio workout and all parts a hit single.
But where, do you ask, is the shark?
A couple gets married. They dance about along the shore. And from the depths, a toothy beast emerges.
And there it is. Finally. The shark we were promised. And it delivers. It’s a plump, gray, blood-hungry creature with two tiny charcoal eyes and too many teeth. It easily stalks the bride and she is powerless. But what I love about Aatank’s shark is that it’s ten times bigger than the Hollywood version. The thrashing victims look like tiny action figures against the giant jaws filled with blood-stained razors. This magnificent beast makes Spielberg’s look like a malnourished Shih Tzu with mange.
We’re gonna need a bigger boat.
Now as Alphonso’s divers seek priceless black pearls, a murderous beast looms among the rocks below.
Aatank is nothing short of glorious. Just under two hours, this Bollywood epic is shorter than most, but don’t worry, all the signatures are still here: melodramatic love stories, mustached scoundrels, harpy wives, innocent damsels in distress, innocent children in distress, and beefy heroes with hairy chests and hearts of gold. While the dance sequences are kept to a minimum—for better or worse—the songs are joyously theatrical. They’re a bop. And of course, the dance moves we’ve associated with Bollywood are all there—thrusting hips, pelvic pumps, shoulder rolls, and that move where you throw ice on the dancers because they’re so goddamn hot. True to Bollywood style, the plot juggles at least five storylines, each getting tied up neatly by the end.
The film started production in the 80s, but the project halted. It was eventually picked up a decade later, but by then two of its stars had passed away, and everyone had grown, well, older. This explains why some of the characters suddenly look a little more weathered and a little less dewy-faced between scenes. Stars are just like us!
Bollywood has gifted the world with plenty of ripoffs from Mahakaal (A Nightmare on Elm Street) to Mere Dad Ki Maruti (Dude, Where’s My Car?), and Aatank joins the ranks among the best. The beast effects are ambitious, proving once and for all that bigger is better. I particularly love the miniatures of boats getting thrashed by blood-stained waves and the booming sound effect that accompanies the shark, which is reminiscent of those used in a Godzilla movie. It’s the age-old story of man vs. beast, but we emerge as the winner.
