Stealthhunters (1991)

I’ve never written a review in a Speedo before but there’s no time like the present. It’s blue, it’s tight, it says “MAMA RIDES” on the butt. I don’t know what that means but I have suspicions. (There is no punctuation.) I’m not 100% sure why I needed to wear this whilst writing this review. I wasn’t wearing it while watching the movie. But, apparently, the producers insist and we always try to follow Robert’s Rules of Reviewer’s Order here at Bleeding Skull.

So, with Speedo affixed, Stealth Hunters…early 90s, Super Soldiers, a platoon of Regular Soldiers, a bunch of “kids” trying to go camping attacked by the Super Soldiers and hiding in a large garage, an evil corporation, a guy named Cy. There’s a guy named Glenn and his brother named Steve. And, I can’t emphasize this enough: the guy named Steve is NOT named Glenn. You can imagine how red my face was when I yelled out “GLENN!” after he got shot and everyone in the movie yelled “STEVE!” three seconds later. There’s some pretty decent action in this, including a few pretty cool stunts. Apart from some moments of muddled storytelling (usually involving the corporation and definitely involving the coda) and a few loungers here and there (corporation scenes and some giant garage creeparound), this is a solid evening of action at the Picture Show of Your Living Room.

But, it isn’t as solid as R.O.T.O.R. And, it isn’t as crazy as some of the crazy things I’ve been watching lately. It’s half slashery/half Night Of The Living Dead when it hits the garage…and then there’s all the shooting. And, then there is Cy.

Well, we all have annoying guys in movies. They happen. But, when your annoying guys are the only people who can be remembered afterwards, then there might be a problem. Cy has his goatee and he’s dressed as if he’s going to Rock This Town rather than camping. And, he doesn’t even know why he’s going camping. He goes on and on and on and is truly an Annoying Character. No one else is as memorable (with one interesting exception). Is it so hard to give good characters some Wit & Charm, rather than giving bad characters More Annoying than anyone can handle? (The Answer: No. It isn’t.)

Sorry. Don’t those Stealthhunters kick ass? Cy says they’re “Star Wars-looking”. Yeah, they kind of are. But, they’re indestructible-ish and they wear cool masks and…they’re really like zombie commandos with guns…and, speaking of “with guns”…

The best part of Stealthhunters? The Strange but Intriguing Camel Toe Shotgun Brigade. I think the gal’s name is Elaine. She is Glenn’s girlfriend. She wears Speedo-y bike shorts throughout the movie. They seem inconvenient for camping but “If you can’t get ’em nude & you can’t get ’em wet, what about the Camel Toe?” These filmmakers could have been trailblazers. Camel Toe Rifle Girls! Stealthhunter & Camel Toe. The Bridge Over Camel Toe. Ice Station Camel Toe. Look, I’ve got nothing more to say about Elaine. There are moments throughout where I turned away from her “Presentation”, as it were, and other times where I leaned in and said “The heck?”

Look, Stealthunters will entertain you for about 90 minutes. It might also sometimes annoy you. I know the corporate stuff seemed overdone to me. When McDonald’s tested the McRib, did Grimace pack heat and kill those who got in their way? Possibly. I’m not a corporation. Regardless, the film has plenty of shooting, stabbing, and fighting. That’s worth something.

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