Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey.
Honeymoon Horror is the story of Frank, a killer with a burned face. Frank exacts his revenge against his cheating wife on Honeymoon Island. Three vacationing couples are also on Honeymoon Island. They get in Frank’s way. They die. There’s not much else to it. A guy lifts weights outdoors in the middle of the night. Another guy’s wig disappears. Honeymoon suites are decorated with banners that read, “Virgins need no urgin’! Married men do it better!” The photography, characterizations and pacing are all lifeless. So why have I seen this movie so many times?
Meet the sheriff of Meagher County. He is fat. He is a Fat Sheriff. He is also a multi-tasker. Clad in coveralls and leaking buttocks sweat, The Sheriff spends most of his time licking cigars, eating hamburgers, grunting, and talking on the telephone — often at the same time. The Sheriff’s routine patrol is broken up with visits to the local watering hole. An actual watering hole. Not a bar. Here, he unbuckles his belt, itches his bare feet, stares at the water, and notes, “It’s so goddamn dull around here, even my rest breaks are boring!” The Sheriff, who is usually accompanied by the sound of a harmonica, has a determined personality. He says, “I know what’s goin’ on, goddamn it!,” and he means it. But this is not always the case.
When The Sheriff is first contacted about trouble on Honeymoon Island, he follows procedure. A woman has gone missing. The Sheriff notes that he “can’t do anything” for 24 hours. The Sheriff is then notified of a dock re, which was set by crazy Frank. Rather than launching an immediate investigation, The Sheriff replies, “I’ll get back to you right away.” It’s clear that he won’t. The Sheriff tells Deputy Jerry, “A guy can’t get any sleep around here at all for crying out loud!” Then he eats a hamburger. Over the next few hours, Frank disposes of most of the honeymooners.
Frank is later dealt with; not by The Sheriff, but by two shotgun-wielding husbands. The Sheriff, in fact, does not show up until the following morning, because he locked his keys in a squad car.
Watch this film immediately.
