Our setting: the unkempt office of Dr. T. Honest Truth, traveler, lecturer, amateur comedian, and world-renowned psychoanalyst. A bust of W.C. Fields leers over his desk, while the requisite chaise lounge sets in a corner, dust-encrusted from years of vacancy. The balm of Bourbon is in the air. It blends well with the scent of subtle refinement.
I arrive for my Saturday morning appointment. As usual, I settle on a couch which, according to the good doctor, originated from “A safari in Africa, when somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.” I trust him.
Midway through the session, a curious suggestion is made.
Dr. Truth: “Based on the exposition of your fears regarding the future, I feel that you should watch Meatcleaver Massacre again.”
Me: “I don’t know. I lived through a devastating experience this year. What if I don’t feel the same about trash-horror films? What if my leisurely activities become empty vessels of nothingness in the face of this emotional instability?”
Dr. Truth: “If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. There’s no use in being a damn fool about it.”
That evening, I watched Meatcleaver Massacre again.
That evening, life smelled pretty good.
Please open your arms to Bleeding Skull’s ten most exquisite trash-horror film discoveries of 2007. Although this year’s output was hampered by some fit hitting the shan, it was but a flesh wound in the game of life. As evidenced by the following list, life does, indeed, smell nice on occasion. You just have to remember how to sniff.
10. Movie House Massacre (1984)
Retromedia DVD
“Movie House Massacre may very well put you to sleep, but that’s irrelevant. Is this what an afternoon in Rick Sloane’s home would feel like? Would we watch Meatballs with Dean Murdoch? I can only dream.”
09. Muerte Infernal (1987)
DVD-R
“If Muerte Infernal was merely a midget slasher with a lot of talking, we’d still be in good shape. But there’s even more. Creepy, disturbing, and obviously hysterical, this film opens up its conscience for our benefit, yet asks for nothing in return. Humor Mr. Yermo.”
08. The Abomination (1986)
Donna Michelle Productions VHS / Full Review
“The kitchen cabinets have puked. The washing machine has puked. A woman, her son, his boss, and his girlfriend have puked. I think maybe even God has puked. Somebody get me a Bible…it’s psychedelic anxiety, 1980s style.”
07. Headless Eyes (1971)
Wizard Video VHS / Full Review
“Headless Eyes is a thunderstorm of diluted acid and cold sweat. There are filthy bathtubs, dirtier fingernails, strange emotional bends, and frozen eyeballs in Tupperware containers. I never met a Bateman I didn’t like.”
06. Fatal Images (1989)
Active Home Video VHS / Full Review
“Director-writer Dennis Devine spread out $10,000, obsessed over extreme close-ups, and had faith in way-too-loud sound effects. The resulting debut introduced a new cosmopolitan awareness. Art? Satan? Teaser? I want it all. Fatal Images is a SOV volcano.”
05. The Evictors (1979)
Vestron VHS / Full Review
“In addition to being one of the most fulfilling low budget, “alone in a house” regional rarities you’re likely to find, The Evictors tops off Charles Pierce’s pseudo-doc legacy with style and consistency. Flawless.”
04. The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
New Concorde DVD
“The Slumber Party Massacre is what it is; a direct, unexceptional 1982 slasher with the ability to invoke pleasant thoughts of the “old days” in those who wish to have them invoked. That doesn’t sound like much, but really, it is.”
03. The Psychopath (1975)
Family Tyme VHS / Full Review
“The Psychopath is a disturbed motion picture. It involves children, parents, and the unsettling realities that can occur between the two. If you’re feeling light-headed, don’t fret. The puppets, lawn mower death, and karate cops are instant equalizers.”
02. Nightbeast (1982)
Troma DVD
“Right now, I’d like you to think about having sex. Savor the thought. After Nightbeast, your perception of carnal bliss will be forever altered. Such are the consequences of being DOHLERIZED.”
01. Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)
Catalina Home Video VHS / Full Review
“When applied with steady calculation, “incomprehensible” becomes not just a word, but an heavenly entity. Truly, a being almost too beautiful to behold. Meatcleaver Massacre is the Brigitte Bardot of inexplicable 1970s trash films. Je t’aime.”
