This is an updated version of a review that was originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1990s Trash-Horror Odyssey.
The best way to get a point across is to yell. For instance, let’s say you’re browsing at Target and can’t find a Bourbon Pumpkin candle. The solution is to find an employee, stare at the area between their eyes, and yell, “EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND THE CANDLES?” This eliminates misunderstandings and provides the quickest way to get what you want.
The filmmakers of Camp Blood believe in the power of yelling. Because how else would we know that luggage was being packed in a car unless someone yelled, “HURRY UP AND PACK THAT FUCKIN’ SHIT!” How else would we be able to tell if someone had sprained their ankle if we didn’t hear a guy yell, “YOU SPRAINED YOUR ANKLE, LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” Eighty percent of Camp Blood is people yelling at each other. The other 20% features a killer wearing a clown mask and chasing these people in the woods. I know this sounds great. But just to be clear, this is me yelling at your face: “CAMP BLOOD IS REALLY, REALLY BORING UNTIL THE LAST 15 MINUTES.”
After a long sex scene that features a topless woman staring blankly into the camera in the middle of a forest, The Clown appears and kills everyone with a machete. He wears a $3 rubber clown mask and coveralls from Michael Myers’ closet. The next morning, Tricia and Steve have sex in their shower, and then read about the murders that happened the night before. They consider cancelling their weekend trip to Camp Blackwood, which is where the murders occurred. Tricia yells at Steve. Steve explains, nope, I’ve got this survival knife and we’ll be fine.
They won’t be fine. Unfortunately, we don’t get to find that out for another hour.
Tricia and Steve pack up their Kia Sportage. They meet their friends, Jay and Nicole. Jay and Nicole pack their things in the car. Jay yells at Steve, says “fuck” and “shit” more than Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs, and berates Nicole for chewing gum. Finally, we arrive at Camp Blackwood. A hobo yells and warns them about the curse of The Clown. Steve finds a rope swing. Jay smokes cigarettes. Everyone calls each other “babe,” pitches some tents, and meets up with Harris, a lady survivalist guide who Jay assumes is gay because he’s a homophobe. Harris puts Jay in his place by literally crushing his balls with her hand. Jay and Nicole make out. Tricia begins to . . . zzz . . . zzz . . . zzz . . . OH SHITTIES, DAT CLOWN IZ BACK!
If you’ve never seen a slasher, Camp Blood would probably be your new favorite movie. Shot with a consumer-grade camcorder and in need of major de-interlacing, the movie delivers on no-fi mood, bloodshed, and semi-fun. It’s surprisingly straightforward and the tone is more I Know What You Did Last Summer than Scream. Director Brad Sykes ( The Pact) and producer David Serling (Things II, High Kicks) weren’t being ironic when they decided to make a movie about a killer clown who stabs someone in the penis with a machete. That’s something to celebrate.
The problem is that we’ve all seen 1980s forest-set slashers like The Final Terror, Just Before Dawn, and The Burning. And most of us have had our lives changed by the killer clowns in Redeemer: The Son of Satan, Out of the Dark, and Tales from the QuadeaD Zone. So, when we’re presented with a homemade slasher from 1999 that is set in the woods and features a killer clown, we expect something wild. We want to ride on a peyote-dipped water slide that transforms the director’s backyard into an alternate timescape of mind-dripping insanity. We don’t want an hour of exhausted clichés and boring people yelling at each other before an almost scene-for-scene rip-off of the ending from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Camp Blood is sincere, but it’s not exceptional.
Also, a twist ending only gets you so far when we’ve been listening to a score comprised of electronic pan flutes and pianos for 74 minutes.
TL;DR: You should probably just watch Camp Blood X: Animated instead.
