Previously on C.H.U.D.: Zzzzzzz. . . .
Look, I have tried watching C.H.U.D. a thousand times and I have fallen asleep every single time. On paper, it is a certifiable hit: John Heard, Daniel Stern, and radioactive mutants that prey on homeless people who turn into radioactive flesh-chomping maniacs. What could possibly go wrong? Well, turns out, a lot. The movie is a festival of snoozes, an exercise in tedium, and a buffet where absolutely nothing is served but you still get stuck with the bill. Despite what the sweet poster and VHS cover promise, C.H.U.D. fails to deliver.
In comes C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud. The sequel’s got a new team in front and behind the camera and a young cast to appeal to horror-loving teens. It’s a chance to iterate and improve and do more lines of that sweet Eighties cocaine. This film can finally make Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers live up to their name. Or can it?
The C.H.U.D. program has been discontinued and the last remaining C.H.U.D., named Bud, is to be exterminated. Only he’s not. After some high school rapscallions steal his body, he eats his way through a suburban neighborhood where a family drinks “really nice wine from Wisconsin,” a woman does aerobics while smoking cigarettes, and a mailman struggles with a killer poodle. Bud the C.H.U.D. turns innocent townspeople into C.H.U.D.s who turn other townspeople into C.H.U.D.s. Now the trigger-happy military has been dispatched. Can they protect all the high school kids partying at the Halloween dance? Or is it up to the trio of friends to clean up the mess they started?
C.H.U.D. II is more comedy than horror, which largely means it belongs behind bars away from society. The scales should always tip more toward horror, but in this case, the scales have fallen over on the side of puns and physical comedy. Make-up effects are straight from CVS and gore is negligible at best—in fact, most of the deaths happen off-screen. One-liners flop, the slapstick doesn’t slap or stick, and perhaps worst of all, there’s choreographed dancing. No one wants to see C.H.U.D.s dance. Everyone wants to see C.H.U.D.s tear the flesh off writhing Midwesteners. I am all for a bit of laughter in horror (i.e. Army of Darkness), but let’s all remember the C in C.H.U.D. actually stands for “cannibalistic.” I should note that the film’s final sequence is a genuine blast and where they blew most of the film’s budget. It’s a classic fist-pumping blow out into chaos, but unfortunately it cannot save the rest of the movie. The movie is certainly a product of the Eighties, but it’s not as coked out as it should be like its contemporaries. If anything, C.H.U.D. II is a film that once saw cocaine at a party and decided it wasn’t for them because it was against the law.
The best part was the cameo by Robert Englund.
