All Posts By

Annie Choi

  • Reviews

    House by the Edge of the Lake (1979)

    A bloody hand reaches out from a lake and drowns a lady in a rowboat. Meanwhile, a blind girl plays with a headless doll and a dead chicken hangs from a…

  • Reviews

    Wild Beasts (1984)

    Every airport bookstore and magazine stand has a special section just for James Patterson’s oeuvre. We’re talking Along Came a Spider, Kiss the Girls, the Alex Cross series, etc. He has…

  • Reviews

    Blood Hunger (1968)

    There is roadkill on the street. Blood. Flies. Matted fur. Stomach smeared on the pavement. It’s a cat, or rather what’s left of one. The camera focuses shakily on the carcass.…

  • Reviews

    Night of the Living Babes, The (1987)

    The Night of the Living Babes is directed by Gregory Dark, which is not his real name. His birth name is Gregory Hippolyte Brown. If your parents name you Gregory Hippolyte…

  • Reviews

    Alien Predators (1985)

    “In 1973, NASA launches Skylab Space Station into orbit. The objective: To perform a series of highly classified experiments that could not take place on Earth. In 1979, Skylab re-enters Earth’s…

  • Reviews

    Killers Edge, The (1990)

    I was reading a news article today about some shady, opportunistic Chinese entrepreneur in Mozambique. He thought North America was part of Europe. Then he asked the journalist, “What is Portugal…

  • Reviews

    Scream For Help (1984)

    “My name is Christina Ruth Cromwell. . . . I think my stepfather is trying to murder my mother.” Cue the sweeping strings and ominous horns. And wouldn’t you know it,…

  • Reviews

    Quietfire (1991)

    This movie is directed by Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, aka Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington from Welcome Back, Kotter. He also plays the lead. This movie also stars Karen Black. She is not the…

  • Reviews

    Cinemagic (1985)

    Two film critics sit in a dark theater, just like Siskel and Ebert, only their names are Phillips and Brill. Phillips leaves the top four buttons of his shirt open so…

  • Reviews

    Blood Orgy Of The Leather Girls (1988)

    The back cover of Blood Orgy of the Leather Girls warns that there are “assorted dissections, dismemberments, castrations, disembowelments, tortures, knife fights, cold-blooded shootings, drug hallucination ‘freak out’ scenes, and philosophical…

  • Reviews

    Premonition (1972)

    Remember in high school when you heard that smoking banana peels would get you high? Then some kid who may or may not have been you totally tried it? And remember…

  • Reviews

    Terror Express (1979)

    All aboard the Terror Express! Making stops at Smutville, Whoresburg, and Rapey-Rape-Town. Dining car is in the rear. Please move about the aisles carefully; the entire train is dripping in sleaze.…

  • Reviews

    Bloody New Year (1987)

    Some partygoers count down the final moments of 1959. They wear frilly dresses and dance a Congo line across a hotel ballroom. Happy New Year! One woman gets sucked into a…

  • Reviews

    J.C. (1972)

    A man is riding a motorcycle. Blue jean bell-bottoms, long stringy hair, the open road. He’s wearing a helmet because safety first. The helmet says J.C. This could stand for anything…

  • Reviews

    Extreme Vengeance (1990)

    If you have a mouth, then you love Doritos. And since you love Doritos, you know that they’ve got some EXTREME flavors. There’s “Ranched Dipped Hot Wings” and “Chili Heatwave” and…

  • Reviews

    Power, The (1984)

    There are many, many types of power—solar, wind, black, white, to name a few. There’s the power of you, the power of positive thinking, the power to make grown men cry,…

  • Reviews

    Homebodies (1974)

    Sometimes, all you want to do is stay at home and sit on your couch. You love your couch. It’s so comfortable! You particularly love how it’s right in front of…

  • Reviews

    Out Of The Dark (1988)

    This movie has taught me two important things about phone sex: First of all, it’s not phone sex. It’s phone fantasy, which is, as we all know, pronounced “fawntasy.” Second, phone…

  • Reviews

    Black Connection, The (1974)

    Here’s the plan: You go to this place and meet this guy, and then I’ll drive the car around to this other place, and then you’ll wait for me, and then…

  • Reviews

    Executioner, The, Part II (1984)

    To answer your question, no, there is no The Executioner, Part I. You can look if you want, but you won’t find it. Because it doesn’t exist. There are a lot…

  • Reviews

    Horrible Sexy Vampire, The (1970)

    A car zips along a country road. A sexy lady in a fuzzy coat cozies up to the driver, who kind of looks like Kevin Spacey, not that it matters. “Arthur…

  • Reviews

    Golden Girl (1974)

    When you sit down to watch a Turkish trash-action movie, you expect three things: 1. It will be in Turkish. 2. It will make no sense. 3. It will have a…

  • Reviews

    Art Of Dying, The (1991)

    Wings Hauser is in this movie. This is literally the only thing you need to know about The Art of Dying. That’s pretty much my review. Whenever Wings Hauser shows up,…

  • Reviews

    Killing Zone, The (1991)

    The most important thing you need to know about The Killing Zone is that it contains arm-wrestling. That’s when grown men grasp hands to prove whose arm is stronger and therefore,…

  • Reviews

    Death Weekend (1976)

    The wise philosopher Loverboy once said, “Everybody’s working for the weekend.” But Loverboy wasn’t thinking about this particular weekend. Death Weekend. Loverboy wasn’t thinking much at all. He certainly wasn’t thinking…

  • Reviews

    Love Butcher, The (1975)

    Imagine, if you will, a long, steady pan of a garden. It’s blurry. You squint to make out some grass…some hedges…maybe some roses. You finally understand what it’s like to have…

  • Reviews

    Satan’s Bed (1965)

    Recently there was a line of menswear that hit New York City, Tokyo, and London. The collection offered everything today’s professional man would want: trousers, shirts, blazers, hoodies. They were “ready-to-wear”…

  • Reviews

    Punk Vacation (1990)

    Question: What do punks do on their vacation? And what exactly do they need a vacation from? Being punk isn’t a job. It’s a lifestyle, and you can’t take a vacation…

  • Reviews

    Student Body, The (1976)

    What if I told you there was a movie where ladies in the state penitentiary start a riot and discuss the finer points of cock size? What if told you they’re…

  • Reviews

    Dance Or Die (1987)

    If Lita Ford had a baby with Whitesnake’s jeggings, you’d get a song with a searing guitar solo and lyrics like this: “You’re reality is a nightmare, this is what it…

  • Reviews

    Toys Are Not For Children (1972)

    The movie opens on a dark bedroom. There’s some hot and heavy breathing. Already, I am interested. A girl is in bed. She’s naked. She’s moaning, “Daddy . . . Daddy…

  • Reviews

    Young Warriors (1983)

    Sometimes you’ve got to take the law into your own hands. And sometimes you’ve got to take some machine guns, a box of grenades, a pitcher of beer, and a brick…

  • Reviews

    Massacre At Central High (1976)

    High school sucks. Being the new kid is hard. It’s hard to fit in. Stand up to your bullies. Don’t dive into a pool with no water. These are the lessons…

  • Reviews

    Black Angels (1970)

    “A white man can’t have a decent fight with a black man without people saying it’s racial.” So laments Chainer, the leader of Satan’s Scorpions, an all-white biker gang. Satan’s Scorpions…