All Posts By

Annie Choi

  • Reviews

    Curse of the Alpha Stone, The (1972)

    Dr. Abe Adams is a scientist who does science things like type on a typewriter and pour frothy liquids from one container into another. He is a serious scientist doing serious…

  • Reviews

    Decay (1998)

    Dr. Richard Puller, DDS has problems. He’s tired. He’s busy. His waiting room is packed. With skanks. Everywhere he looks, there are skanks doing skank things like wearing skank outfits and…

  • Reviews

    Bionic Boy (1977)

    What happens when a group of “professional killers” pulverize a couple with a bulldozer and leave their ten-year-old son for dead? Hint: It involves revenge. Another hint: It involves turning a…

  • Reviews

    Abduction (1975)

    This movie is about, but not really about, Patty Hearst’s kidnapping. First, a quick refresher: In 1972, an erotic novel called Black Abductor was published. It was about a young heiress…

  • Reviews

    Coldfire (1990)

    Let’s talk cereal. Specifically Lucky Charms. The box promises toasted oat o’s with an explosion of magical marshmallows—you know the ones—pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, etc. They’re magically delicious. The…

  • Reviews

    Never Too Young to Die (1986)

    Full disclosure: John Stamos used to live near my high school. This was during the tail end of Full House, when the show was a carton of chunky milk the network…

  • Reviews

    Psycho Cop 2 (1993)

    He’s back! And obviously he’s still psycho. Two 9-to-5 bros sit at a diner. One is wearing suspenders and a belt, because those pants really need to stay up. They talk…

  • Reviews

    Payback, The (1994)

    There was a dark time in the 90s when everyone quoted Reservoir Dogs, especially the monologue about “Like a Virgin.” Holy shit, they’d say, that movie is so fucking good! Then…

  • Reviews

    Arrebato (1979)

    During the Rapture, some will be left behind and others will be swept up to meet the lord. Not everyone gets to go, so the lord will have to make some…

  • Reviews

    Girl Grabbers, The (1968)

    I live in New York City, in a tenement building with 30 units. One person rented their studio via Airbnb and got evicted. My next-door neighbor is naked all the time.…

  • Reviews

    Psycho Cop (1989)

    There is a long line of films with “cop” in the title: Maniac Cop, Samurai Cop, Hollywood Cop, Vampire Cop, Karate Cop, Crazed Cop, and of course there’s the robotic cop…

  • Reviews

    Killing Game, The (1987)

    The Killing Game has taught me a lot about rich people. For example, they have seven bathrooms. They like modern dance. They keep parakeets. Rich people are just like you and…

  • Reviews

    Psychothrill (1987)

    The first thing you notice about Psychothrill is that there are a lot of beginning credits. Fabrizio, a wealthy, debonair gentleman, watches some dancing girls wearing sparkly gold bikinis. They’re not…

  • Reviews

    Droid (1988)

    Droid begins with a shot of stars zooming in space, which can only mean one thing: an opening text crawl à la Star Wars: “In the beginning, the Dominants left Earth,…

  • Reviews

    Onna Ramboh (1991)

    The hoi polloi mingle at a black tie birthday party for a teenager. Think of it as a really fancy bat mitzvah, only Japanese. A singer belts out “Happy Birthday Dear…

  • Reviews

    House by the Edge of the Lake (1979)

    A bloody hand reaches out from a lake and drowns a lady in a rowboat. Meanwhile, a blind girl plays with a headless doll and a dead chicken hangs from a…

  • Reviews

    Wild Beasts (1984)

    Every airport bookstore and magazine stand has a special section just for James Patterson’s oeuvre. We’re talking Along Came a Spider, Kiss the Girls, the Alex Cross series, etc. He has…

  • Reviews

    Blood Hunger (1968)

    There is roadkill on the street. Blood. Flies. Matted fur. Stomach smeared on the pavement. It’s a cat, or rather what’s left of one. The camera focuses shakily on the carcass.…

  • Reviews

    Night of the Living Babes, The (1987)

    The Night of the Living Babes is directed by Gregory Dark, which is not his real name. His birth name is Gregory Hippolyte Brown. If your parents name you Gregory Hippolyte…

  • Reviews

    Alien Predators (1985)

    “In 1973, NASA launches Skylab Space Station into orbit. The objective: To perform a series of highly classified experiments that could not take place on Earth. In 1979, Skylab re-enters Earth’s…

  • Reviews

    Killers Edge, The (1990)

    I was reading a news article today about some shady, opportunistic Chinese entrepreneur in Mozambique. He thought North America was part of Europe. Then he asked the journalist, “What is Portugal…

  • Reviews

    Scream For Help (1984)

    “My name is Christina Ruth Cromwell. . . . I think my stepfather is trying to murder my mother.” Cue the sweeping strings and ominous horns. And wouldn’t you know it,…

  • Reviews

    Quietfire (1991)

    This movie is directed by Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, aka Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington from Welcome Back, Kotter. He also plays the lead. This movie also stars Karen Black. She is not the…

  • Reviews

    Cinemagic (1985)

    Two film critics sit in a dark theater, just like Siskel and Ebert, only their names are Phillips and Brill. Phillips leaves the top four buttons of his shirt open so…

  • Reviews

    Blood Orgy Of The Leather Girls (1988)

    The back cover of Blood Orgy of the Leather Girls warns that there are “assorted dissections, dismemberments, castrations, disembowelments, tortures, knife fights, cold-blooded shootings, drug hallucination ‘freak out’ scenes, and philosophical…

  • Reviews

    Premonition (1972)

    Remember in high school when you heard that smoking banana peels would get you high? Then some kid who may or may not have been you totally tried it? And remember…

  • Reviews

    Terror Express (1979)

    All aboard the Terror Express! Making stops at Smutville, Whoresburg, and Rapey-Rape-Town. Dining car is in the rear. Please move about the aisles carefully; the entire train is dripping in sleaze.…

  • Reviews

    Bloody New Year (1987)

    Some partygoers count down the final moments of 1959. They wear frilly dresses and dance a Congo line across a hotel ballroom. Happy New Year! One woman gets sucked into a…

  • Reviews

    J.C. (1972)

    A man is riding a motorcycle. Blue jean bell-bottoms, long stringy hair, the open road. He’s wearing a helmet because safety first. The helmet says J.C. This could stand for anything…

  • Reviews

    Extreme Vengeance (1990)

    If you have a mouth, then you love Doritos. And since you love Doritos, you know that they’ve got some EXTREME flavors. There’s “Ranched Dipped Hot Wings” and “Chili Heatwave” and…

  • Reviews

    Power, The (1984)

    There are many, many types of power—solar, wind, black, white, to name a few. There’s the power of you, the power of positive thinking, the power to make grown men cry,…

  • Reviews

    Homebodies (1974)

    Sometimes, all you want to do is stay at home and sit on your couch. You love your couch. It’s so comfortable! You particularly love how it’s right in front of…

  • Reviews

    Out Of The Dark (1988)

    This movie has taught me two important things about phone sex: First of all, it’s not phone sex. It’s phone fantasy, which is, as we all know, pronounced “fawntasy.” Second, phone…

  • Reviews

    Black Connection, The (1974)

    Here’s the plan: You go to this place and meet this guy, and then I’ll drive the car around to this other place, and then you’ll wait for me, and then…

  • Reviews

    Executioner, The, Part II (1984)

    To answer your question, no, there is no The Executioner, Part I. You can look if you want, but you won’t find it. Because it doesn’t exist. There are a lot…