This is an updated version of a review that was originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1990s Trash-Horror Odyssey.
Horror filmmakers educate audiences by exploring humanity’s dark side. From Stephanie Rothman to David Cronenberg, they enable us to analyze our world and understand our emotions. They entertain us. But they also reveal painful truths. For instance, if you are unhappy with the Sega Genesis game that you got for Christmas, Santa Claus will rip out your eyes and eat them.
Welcome to the guiding light of Night of Vampyrmania.
Shot with a camcorder somewhere in France, this two-and-a-half-story anthology could’ve been conceived on the back of a 9th-grader’s geometry homework. It feels like it’s stuck in a limbo between the teen years and adulthood. This is the kid who is aware that things are changing, but refuses to give up his Lego collection. All he wants to do is enjoy life and not think about grown-up stuff. While many people would prefer to forget that awkward age, Night of Vampyrmania embraces it. That’s what makes this movie so much fun to watch.
A priest drives a Volvo through the woods. He stops and addresses the camera: “Watch carefully the following movie! It says a lot about the damage that vampires cause!” This point is proven in “Red Christmas.”
The cannibalistic murderer known as Santa Claus has unleashed his fury on Christmas Eve. After crushing the heads of some street thugs, Santa crashes a party. But before doling out gifts, Saint Nick observes the guests. A guy repeatedly yells, “There’s not enough meat for dinner!” Another guy dances like Crispin Glover in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and his girlfriend goes topless. An aggravated war veteran shows up and shares his gory war stories by screaming at everyone. Soon, Santa has had enough! He removes a man’s brain and throws it on the ground. He smashes a woman’s head with a fruitcake. There’s also a fork-stabbing scene that was probably influenced by Sam Raimi because of all the camera zooms. And a twist that was definitely influenced by Umberto Lenzi because it’s not good.
We’re back with the priest. A title screen reads, “The Last Son of Dracula.” The priest walks through the woods for five minutes. He finds Dracula’s son in a castle. The kid is wearing a bald cap with his real hair sticking out underneath. The priest drives a stake into him. The end!
In “Hell Taxi,” the final story, the same kid who played Dracula’s son wears a trucker’s hat that says “SUPER MACHO.” He spends his time hanging out in a hammock, talking on the phone, working odd jobs, and trying to get laid. It’s basically François Truffaut’s Antoine and Colette, only better. Meanwhile, a vampire picks up victims in his taxi, brings them to his lair, and dismembers them with a handsaw and an axe. The vampire kidnaps Cindy, SUPER MACHO’s gal-pal. Let the battle begin! And the talking in living rooms! And the exploring of underground vampire lairs! Eventually, SUPER MACHO rides on top of the taxi and has a showdown with the vampire’s minions, who wear rubber monster masks from Walgreens.
Night of Vampyrmania doesn’t play out like Trepanator, Sexandroide, or any other homemade brain-stabber from France that feels like it magically materialized from Planet X. The tone of this movie is lucid and innocent, like David “The Rock” Nelson on a Euro-horror vacation. And unlike other European SOV horror movies that were made by teenagers, there’s no angst or sense of rebellion. Director Richard J. Thompson wasn’t obsessed with genital mutilation (Goblet of Gore) or smoking weed (The Butcher). But he was obsessed with playing triumphant Casio synth-pop while people do mundane things, like walking up a staircase. He was also into time-lapse, vectorized video effects, cheap gore, and meta-enhanced references to some of his favorite things, such as the fake horror movie that he made up called Trashman: The Nuke Vampire.
Night of Vampyrmania might drag at times, but who cares? This is 2,000 minutes of naive enthusiasm and unhinged fun crammed into an 80-minute movie. It deserves many hugs from you.
P.S. In this movie, Santa Claus is a vampire.
