Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout (1990)

Originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1980s Trash-Horror Odyssey.

“The zombies are aerobicizing, they feel good and everything.”
— Linnea Quigley

I think we both know what that means. It is time to Zombiecise.

I know not where it comes from; I know not why it is here. Whether its point of origin lies in the center of a black hole or at the bottom of a filthy Los Angeles swimming pool, Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout eschews explanation. After all, “Being the Queen Of Scream isn’t as easy as it looks!” Indeed. Linnea, I’m ready. Ready to exalt my meager body (and mind?) to the altar of your workout non-prowess. The Casio batteries are fresh. My Graduation Day VHS is close by. Let’s get sweaty.

Shot on video. 60 minutes. Feel the burn: Linnea soaps it up in the shower. Linnea speaks into the camera, attempts to crack jokes, and shares clips from her greatest hits (Assault Of The Party Nerds and Vice Academy, to name a few). Linnea tones some ass in a room with shag carpet and a fireplace with stoned voiceovers that even Elvira would reject. Linnea jogs. Linnea leads a group of zombies in a poolside hustle. Linnea shouts “One! Two!” at any given moment, often with no sense of rhythm. Linnea holds a languid, anti-erotic, ass n’ crotch shot slumber party workout session. Linnea masquerades as a Ronald Reagan slasher. A severed head flies into a toilet. Can I please get some bloopers? Thanxxx, Linnea.

A gaudy smear of nudie-cutie innocence and SOV snickering (think Death Row Diner), Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout was intended to be a promotional career booster. That, and a horny spoof of 1980s exercise videos. God only knows if it succeeds on either level. Luckily, God needn’t bother entering the conversation. Not when we’ve got Linnea Quigley, her studded leather underwear, and her frequent masturbation puns. Straddling between hilarity, joylessness, and sympathy for all parties involved, Horror Workout is an experience heretofore uncharted in SOV garbage. Glee. Guilt. Bewilderment. Hang onto your conscience — I really think these people were serious.

Forget Alyssa Milano and Traci Lords. In the realm of workout tape train wrecks, there is no other one. Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout is an unexplainable incident in the halls of SOV freakishness. It’s hard to find, impossible to forget, and consistently hysterical, just as long as your fast forward finger is in terrific shape. And it should be, after all that Zombiecisin’.

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