This is an updated version of a review that was originally published in Bleeding Skull! A 1990s Trash-Horror Odyssey.
Italians and Floridians are responsible for the most inconceivable trash-horror movies to ever burn their way onto the surface of our collective brains. From Italy’s Patrick Still Lives to Florida’s Nightmare Weekend, the level of audacity in these movies is only matched by the filmmakers’ lack of empathy for audiences. So, what happens when Italian lunatics visit Miami to make a rip-off of Piranha, featuring monsters who derive their strength from having sex with humans? You truly have no idea.
Mike is a scientist nerd. Bobby is a sexist turd. Joined by Kate, Dorothy, and Julie, the group piles into a tiny speedboat and rides some waves. A storm hits! Death looms! Mike spots a ship and everyone climbs aboard. After discovering that the ship is abandoned, our heroes decide that this will be their new home. Good choice. There are walls covered with aluminum foil, talking clocks that look like rejected mock-ups from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse, computerized showers that respond to your every need, and literal penis lamps. There’s also a lab that contains evidence of an experiment, one that transforms “carnivorous fish that can live out of water” into bloodthirsty mutants after they are sexually agitated. But who cares! Let’s dance and eat fish from the lab’s refrigerator and vomit bugs and then have sex and OHHHH NOOOOO!
In his book Shock Value, John Waters writes:
“There is such a thing as ‘good’ bad taste and ‘bad’ bad taste. It’s easy to disgust someone; I could make a 90-minute film of people getting their limbs hacked off, but this would only be ‘bad’ bad taste and not very stylish or original. To understand bad taste one must have very good taste. ‘Good’ bad taste can be creatively nauseating but must, at the same time, appeal to the especially twisted sense of humor, which is anything but universal.”
As Waters points out, it’s not easy for exploitation filmmakers to strike a balance between confrontation and entertainment. For proof, try sitting through Goblet of Gore. But like Centipede Horror and Splatter Farm before it, Creatures from the Abyss is a triumph of crowd-slaying filth—a rare celebration of stupidity that was made by people who were (possibly) smart.
Creatures from the Abyss looks like it was shot by the team behind Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan and feels like it was written by Lloyd Kaufman between The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ’Em High. Shockingly tight photography clashes with nonsensical gaps in continuity and ridiculous dubbing, while an unapologetic dedication to gross-out gags holds it all together. Everything is presented at face value, without irony, and we’re grateful for that. Julie squeezes her chest into the camera and says, “I think it’s time to buy a new bra!” We believe her! Mike asks a newly discovered scientist on the ship, “Doctor, how long have you been fucking fish?” We want to know! Bobby turns into a hideous beast that resembles the aliens from The Deadly Spawn while having sex with Julie. We believe in love!
With a stop-motion “boss villain” who looks like a He-Man action figure, CGI that looks like iMovie ingested bad acid, and the most gratuitous scene of someone destroying glassware with a dinosaur bone ever filmed, Creatures from the Abyss is nonstop fun. Even though nothing really happens during the first 30 minutes, we still have the privilege of hanging out with these beautiful goons while they dance to disco synth-pop songs.
In a 1995 issue of Alternative Cinema, director Alvaro Passeri was asked about his inspiration for making this movie. “I have a passion for fantastic movies! What can I say?”
Spoken like a true Italian.
