VAMPIRE WOMAN (REEL #1) (1996)
Directed by David "The Rock" Nelson
David "The Rock" Nelson VHS
Reviewed 04.03.08
Review by Dan Budnik
Buy It From David "The Rock" Nelson

THE FILM
The great-granddaughter of Count Dracula is loose in Chicago! And, only one man can stop her: Detective Rock! But, will he be able to do it before more than 40 people get killed? I'm not telling.

Hey Hey, Rock! I like him because he has a good time with himself. It's clear when you watch it. The man is having a good time. Of course, the one problem with having a good time with yourself is that it doesn't always translate to fun for everyone. Luckily, the first reel of Vampire Woman (about 123 minutes) is mostly fun for everyone.

We fade in to see two theater seats in front of a wall. Above the wall, there are pictures from monster movies. We cut to a close-up of Charles Ogle's Frankenstein monster from the 1910 Frankenstein made by Thomas Edison's studios and we hear The Rock sneeze.* Janet and The Rock sit down with some popcorn. The Rock spends five minutes talking about monster movies and himself. Then, the movie begins.

Two hours of Vampire Woman killing people. The Prog/Space-rock group Matter plays King Crimson's "Red". Born again Christians wave bibles at me. Psychotronic President Michael Flores and Ghost Hunter Richard Crowe are killed. There are long scenes of skylines and feet where The Rock dubs in all sorts of different voices to keep the story kicking along. The Rock, of course, eats. He watches Mummy A.D. 1993. All these things and about 100 more litter the landscape of this movie. And this is only the first half of it.

At the end of the day, I prefer The Rock's shorts because they don't have to do anything but show up, have some fun and then go on their way. A 4-hour long SOV epic is a little different. But, not by much. This one actually has some "professional" moments. The credits aren't half bad when coupled with the opening segment. Mike Johnson is killed in an empty parking garage amongst plenty of pixilation effects. The Vampire Woman changes into a bat and flies away. We fade out...Slowly, we fade back in to the sounds of "In The Hall of The Mountain King" and drawings of the Vampire Woman. The credits begin. Hey, that's good stuff, Rock! Although, my favorite moment here is a shot that seems to have been composed (?). VW is chewing meat off of a skull on the left side of the screen. She is in the woods at night. It is rather creepy. Then, on the right side of the screen, a train blares by, loud and bright. And, then VW is alone again. I watched this a couple times. The appearance of the train was always a surprise and the whole shot feels right.

When an artist of any sort stretches (really stretches), they can fall into a very interesting sort of trap. (But, this is a sweet-smelling trap that tastes of strawberries.) If they have used everything they have but still need to give more, they begin to tap a very personal well. With a musician, it could be a song that sounds too much like one of their antecedents. With a writer, it could be recycling an old character with a new name or unconsciously plagiarizing something they've read. With the Rock, well...There is a scene where we see shots of an abandoned Medical Complex. The Rock is diligently doing some voice over for Doctor Gerry who is examining all the victims. During this scene, Nurse Hatchet comes in and takes off her clothes and seduces the Doctor. The narrator tells us that she took his virginity. And...we carry on with the film. Where did that come from? There's nothing else like this here. I can imagine The Rock in his basement working to get this to fill up two tapes. It is 4AM. He's a little sleepy or hopped up on caffeine. So, he just tarts talking and, suddenly, this story is here. Like a writer discovering that they've given a character who gets horribly killed all the bad traits of an ex-lover who jilted them, the Rock's psyche is exposed. And, it's awesome!

Way to go Doctor Gerry!

In my first review for one of The Rock's movies, I've discovered that there's really not a lot to talk about. His movies just are. They're like a waterfall or a giant crater. Really, what is there to critique? They are just there.

Although, now that I've said that, I would love to know the history behind this. Did it start as a short? Was it always meant to be four hours long? Detective Rock believes in Vampire Woman for the first half-hour. Then, he becomes angry whenever anyone mentions vampires for the rest of the reel. Was the movie originally around an hour and then it got expanded? Rock? What's the story? I bet it's a good one.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
You've seen what a camcorder can do. It is enough that you see and hear what's happening.

EXTRAS
I'm not sure. The opening five minutes might be an extra. The film is only halfway done so...

FINAL THOUGHTS
Oh sure, some parts are real dull. But, hold your breath and wish...Some strange person or some odd thing will suddenly appear in front of you. And, it's almost always worth watching. You'll laugh, you'll be confused, and occasionally you'll look away with an assortment of emotions. Enjoy!

One last thing**: My wife was walking in and out during my Vampire Woman viewing. At one point, she watched the Rock running to someone's rescue and, I could have sworn, I saw her look at me with disdain. And then, while she was sleeping, I believe I heard her say "Yes, that's right. I'm Mrs. Dave "The Rock" Nelson."! Oh boy...

*Thomas Edison's studio also produced the film Fred Ott's Sneeze. I'm not sure if the Rock is referencing that also but the juxtaposition makes me go kerflooey!

**Like The Rock's films, reviews of The Rock's films always seem to have one more bit of business in them.

Let's all go to The Rockies


GONGS! PLURAL!


Chi-town shuffle


Bravo, VW. Bravo.