TERROR
ON TAPE (1983)
Directed by Robert Worms III
Continental Video VHS
THE FILM
Here’s even more proof that
everyone involved in the early 80s
horror-video boom was stark, raving
mad. I feel so violated!
Terror On Tape is a true
artifact. It’s a compilation
tape courtesy big box kings Continental
Video, showcasing the most depraved
scenes from a majority of their
licensed horror films. Basically,
it’s to the cracked horror
fan what nudity is to the sex fiend:
an overload of what the company
thinks you want. And by
god, home video audiences in 1983
must have been beggin’ for
gore, gore, GORE...and a little
sex! Why else would this utterly
desensitizing chunk of stupidity
even exist? Ah ha. So Continental
could pocket a few greenbacks. Nothing
wrong with a little self-promotion,
right? In this case, it backfired;
I was so grossed out halfway through
that I ended up fast forwarding
through the rest of the tape. The
concept boggles the mind, as a never-ending
stream of out-of-context extreme
violence and T & A blasts off
the screen. What the...?! Who would...?!
If it wasn’t for Cameron Mitchell’s
shot-on-video bumper segments...wait.
Cameron Mitchell? Now we’re
talking.
Out in the streets of Encino, CA
lies the “Shoppe Of Horrors
Video Store.” It’s a
cheesy set with lots of dry ice
fog, plastic spookshow props, and
a warehouse full of Continental
videos. Overlooking the premises
is good ol’ Uncle Cam, decked
out in fifty layers of pancake makeup
and seemingly drunk as as skunk.
And why not? It’s Halloween
night! Mr. Mitchell summons the
power of the gods with his acting
nobility and plays clips on his
little swivel Zenith for three weirdos.
There’s a nerd who gets gray
hair as a result, a construction
worker who wants to be scared, but
“turned on first...from women
with no clothes on!”, and
a vampire lady (Michelle Bauer)
that equates being frightened with
an orgasm (“I’m ready.
Do it to me!”). Cameron walks
around the place and refers to a
couple of plastic skulls as Mommy,
Daddy, and Uncle Frank. Dumbfounded
yet? As if the film clips weren’t
weird enough, the video sections
conclusively prove that these people
were off their collective rockers.
I think you get the point. All that’s
left is a clip shout-out. Drum roll,
please...Expect the goopiest from
the following trash-ics: Return
Of The Alien’s Deadly Spawn,
Vampire Hookers, Bloodtide,
Cathy’s Curse, Madhouse
Mansion, Frozen Scream,
To The Devil A Daughter
(filthy!), Eerie Midnight Horror
Show, Kidnapping Of The
President (say what?), Nightmare
(even filthier!), The Slayer,
City Of The Walking Dead,
nude/sex montage, Color
Me Blood Red, 2000
Maniacs, Scalps,
Blood Feast, Ruby,
Night Creature, and Suicide
Cult. Somehow, I don’t
think a DVD release is in the cards.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The bumper segments are shot on
video, complete with stereo sound
effects from a kiddie Halloween
record. The movie clips vary in
quality, but seem to have a lower
audio level than the video segments.
It all looks very stylish.
EXTRAS
Believe you me, enough is enough.
Though Continental does offer up
a bit of advice for would-be bootleggers:
“You will be caught, so why
ruin your life? Buy a copy from
your local video store.” Whoa.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I’ve said it before and I’ll
say it again; only in the 80s. The
sole reason to see Terror On
Tape is for the hysterical
video shop(pe) scenes. It’s
rife with ma and pa nostalgia, but
you’ll need an iron-lined
stomach to get through it. Banned
in Canada!
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 04.05.05 |
Freaks come out at night
Beachbox party
Tech kicks
The least of it
|
