THE SUPERNATURALS (1986)
Directed by Armand Mastroianni
Embassy Home Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
I was going to start this review
with "The blandishments of
this film were astounding and complete.”
But, I thought I might be using
the word wrong so I looked it up.
Suddenly, I found myself wrapped
up in a mighty entertaining linguistic
scuffle. Well, let me talk about
the film real quick and I'll be
right back.
A group of soldiers go to the middle
of the woods for maneuvers of some
sort. Their presence awakens the
spirit of a witch-woman from the
Civil War. She sends a group of
Civil War soldier zombies to kill
them. It is the most competent film
I have ever watched for Bleeding
Skull. Sadly, that isn't really
a good thing.
The acting, the story, the look
of the film, the scares, the zombies...all
100% component. Yes, the characters
are pretty clichéd but they're
really there so the zombies can
have someone to kill. In the end,
we're talking about a film that
stays on the path and provides a
thoroughly average viewing experience.
Oh well. Here at BS, "competence"
is not what we're looking for. We
want the extremes of that. "Sheer
cinematic beauty" or "screaming
bat-shit nuts". Competence
is for your Gramma.
This film never really does much
but take up 80-odd minutes of time.
It never has that spark, that little
moment that makes you look up towards
the heavens with arms outstretched
singing "Hallelujah!"
Credits roll. Stuff happens. More
credits roll. The mire of Night
of Horror while, technically,
being far less interesting is actually
1000% times more entertaining.
And, we turn back to my "blandishments"...
I had wanted to use the word as
if the "bland" in "blandishments"
was literal. "Blandishments"
were very bland things waved high
on a flag for all to see. And, this
film is loaded with them. But, the
word doesn't mean that. It refers
to things used to entice you into
something. So, I suppose "The
blandishments were very bland"
would work. Or, even better, "The
blandishments of this film fail
to entice."
Now, say blandishment ten times
fast. It's fun.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
It's an old VHS but the picture
was pretty clear throughout. The
audio was fine. I turned it up real
loud and the gunshots sent my dog
running out of the room. Five minutes
later, she came back with my cat
in her mouth. She placed the cat
at my feet. There was a pause. The
two of them stood, bowed and chased
each other way. I heard light applause.
EXTRAS
I should really write some of this
stuff down. There may have been
a preview but it wasn't for anything
too thrilling.
FINAL THOUGHTS
As I've said before, I get very
little joy from not liking a film.
(This includes films that are completely
nuts.) The only thing that stops
me from finding something in a film
that I like is if it's bland or
boring. Darnit, The Supernaturals.
I thought you were both.
— Dan Budnik, 02.22.08 |
"I joined the army to party
in Europe."
Boot problems
DUDE!
Blah blah blandishment
|
