ROCKTOBER BLOOD (1984)
Directed by Ferd and Beverly Sebastian
Vestron VHS
Reviewed 10.13.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
There are many ways to Rock. Still, if you've yet to master the Cat Scream, a butt-rock tool that is both evocative and sensual, you might as well collect your Kix vinyl and cower in a booth at the local bowling alley. There may be a solution. His name is Billy. He will reveal to you the intricacies of the Cat Scream. He will force women's knees to quiver at the mere thought of your uvula. He will save your life.

"YEEHIIIIIHIIIIIHIIIIIEEEEEAAAAAHHHH! I'M BACK!"

Thank you, Billy.

"I want blood. I want your hot, steaming pussy blood all over my face. YEEHIIIIIHIIIIIHIIIIIEEEEEAAAAAHHHH! I'M BACK!"

Bill, please. That was most offensive. Let's get back to the workout scenes.

Dunked into obscurity from the team behind Gator 'Bait (that would be Ferd and Bev Sebastian -- "The Sebastian's"), Rocktober Blood is a film that must be watched at least twenty times in a row. You'll need all that repitition to fully uncover the retarded genius that lies 'twixt the sheets of dirty sleaze. Whether it be at the sweaty recording studio or near "The Lake," leering at female asses, Billy's plight is shoddily thrust into the limelight. Padding be damned. Did I mention the workout scenes?

Billy is a rock star that specializes in mid-80s metal skronk. It's like Dirk Diggler and Rob Halford meeting up to cover lost Spinal Tap outtakes...but better. Lucky for us, Billy is also a crazed killer. He takes out his producer and some other industry peeps, leaving his girlfriend, Lynn, half dead. Twenty of the best minutes ever are down. After that, cut to two years later; Billy has been "executed for killing 25 rock 'n' rollers," or so says Rick Righteous, coke-sniffing MVTV host. The Sebastian collective ditches the Rock and focuses on Lynn's day-to-day life as lead singer of Headmistress. This involves partying, taking baths, walking in a forest, working out, and being spooked by Billy. Yes, HE'S BACK! You can go do something else until the final ten minutes, when Headmistress plays a concert (the "ultimate rock total blood and gore show!") and Billy gorges women on stage. Nobody seems to care that much about the carnage and I know why. Songs like "Rainbow Eyes" and "Watch Me Rock" were so moving that the audience stood as one. Unified, speechless, and touched. Like me.

Judging from outward appearances, Rocktober Blood seems like a very large turd. There's barely any bloodshed until the end. The entire film was a mess of random padding. The actors do not pause for punctuation. The ending was most likely acheived by running out of film. Somehow, I'm able to look past it all for that golden half hour. Between rockin' ass, Headmistress, and the slimy stench of '84 testosterone, the intent of Rocktober Blood makes itself abundantly clear: it's here to rock your balls. For your own good, please oblige. I'm not making any of this up.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
What would you expect, straight from Billy's palm-tree-airbrushed studio? Dark and fuzzy perfection. Soundtrack by SORCERY, in case you were curious.

EXTRAS
The last credit reads, "A special thanks to all of our friends who appeared in the rock 'n' roll party scene." I assume that means me, 'cause that's my life every day, dudes.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Sweet, sweet Rocktober, don't ever leave me. Rocktober Blood is a daft exercise in 80s excess, second only to Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare in the Slasher Rock sweepstakes. Yes, even despite a mind-numbing midrift. I can't believe this film was actually made.

"Ooo, you got rainbow ei-ei-eyes..."


This is the life


Tastefully done!


Watch him rock