MONSTER
TALES (2002)
Directed by David “The Rock”
Nelson
David “The Rock” Nelson
VHS
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It From David "The Rock"
Nelson
THE FILM
David “The Rock” Nelson,
flailing about in a Don Post “Tor
Johnson” mask, finds himself
entering a Chicago library. Inside,
he begins to terrorize patrons,
who are assembling some kind of
art exhibit. In another odd display
of the Rock’s video transcendence,
the library in question is one that
I actually frequent. In real life.
But...this is real life, no? Bah,
it’s all old country superstition!
Nobody believes in Nosferatus, Tor
Johnsons, or werewolves! Or do they?
Hosted by a suited Nelson in a “haunted”
cemetery, Monster Tales
presents three schizophrenic shorts
from 2002: “Nosferatu Bites”
(40 mins.), “Tor Terrorizes”
(50 mins.), and “War Of The
Werewolves” aka “Werewolf
Vs. Wolfman” (the rest of
the tape). Seeing as this is my
fifth Rocky Nelson video experience,
I’d consider myself something
of an expert by now. A lofty proclamation,
yes, but also a necessary one. See,
I’ve become a fine connoisseur
of grade-a Nelson film requirements.
My mad thesis is quite simple: weirdness
+ hilarity + brevity = solid gold
entertainment. The weirder Nelson’s
films get, the more enjoyment I
get from them. So how do these three
titans of terror hold up?
If you’re a Nelson enthusiast,
“Nosferatu Bites” &
“Tor Terrorizes” might
seem a bit familiar. Both shorts
follow the same trajectory: rubber
masked monster (Nosferatu or Tor
Johnson, take your pick) terrorizes
Chicago bar Delilah’s and
the Monster Bash picnic, Detective
Rock refuses to believe said monster’s
existence (mostly while talking
on the phone), and barrels of food
go down the ol’ tubes. Both
shorts seem to be spread a little
thin, with recycled footage and
situations held over from other
productions. But that’s not
to say the hilarity level is toned
down at all. Gads, no! Check out
the brazenly gratuitous rubber-bat
footage (complete with solarized
night vision), Tor’s outhouse
bathroom breaks, cuts signified
by Nelson pulling a remote out of
his pocket and pressing “stop”
while in monster garb, over-use
of Criswell’s “Never
To return again!” line from
“Plan 9,” and an amazing
movie-within-a-movie called “Werewolf
Meets Tor.” There’s
also a ton of monster action, and
both fiends receive points for their
shoddy, yet somehow effective, costumes.
So you’re thinking that “War
Of The Werewolves” might follow
a similar suit? Completely out of
this world, but pretty straight
forward by Rock Nelson standards?
Take heed, my friend.
This dose of werewolf vs. werewolf
action finds David “The Rock”
Nelson at his most eccentric, and
therefore, most engrossing. Right
off the bat, things are different.
In keeping with “Night Of
The Pumpkinmen,” this recent
short features an actual narrative
(kind of), a knack for diverging
into totally unexpected circumstances,
and higher “production values”
than the norm. We see that Dr. Weirdo
(Nelson) is concocting a werewolf
plasma potion comprised of kool-aid,
orange juice, and mold. After drinking,
we get a transformation scene to
end all transformation scenes. Harrowing.
Unbeknownst to Dr. Weirdo, another
werewolf, bred in a secret lab location,
is also on the prowl! It all leads
up to a hilarious final battle,
senior-citizen style. Ah, but the
road to completion is such a glorious
one -- Super 8 exteriors from Nelson’s
Marine stints, an out-of-nowhere-self-haircut,
tons of rubber-masked werewolf footage,
a spooky duct taped score, the Rock
directing on-camera with his werewolf
mask, and a pinnacle achievement:
the pointed study of a gigantic
turd in the toilette du Nelson.
I’ll let you take that in
for a moment.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
By now, you know what to expect.
Video noise, solarizing, volume
fluctuations...and all of it fantastic.
EXTRAS
As soon as “War Of The Werewolves”
wraps up, Rock congratulates himself
on camera, celebrates someone’s
birthday at a Monster Bash picnic,
and appears on a WGN Morning News
segment.
FINAL THOUGHTS
What titles! Although the first
two shorts were standard Rock Nelson
opuses, “War Of The Werewolves”
was an absolute classic, possibly
his strongest yet. In a perfect
world, “War” would kick
off disc two of a Nelson DVD box
set. Until then, add this tape to
your party comp.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 08.13.04 |
The ol' camera stalk
What to watch?
Saving some c-notes
Stinkin' Tor gives 'em the bizness
|
