HIDE
AND GO SHRIEK (1987)
Directed by Skip Schoolnik
New Star Video VHS
THE FILM
People, people...can’t we
just get on with it? If I wanted
to tour a furniture store, I’d
call the newspapers and have ‘em
print up a special edition. Oh well,
at least it wasn’t all
bad. I’m just kind of bored.
Double up your watches and roll
those pant legs a little tighter.
Scorching 80s time capsules aweigh!
After an odd sore-thumb prologue
(as in, it sticks out), eight almost-college
kids decide to spend the night in
a gigantic department store called
“Fine Furniture.” Why?
Sex, sex, sex. John, the main bonehead,
happens to be the son of the store’s
owner, so getting in is no problem.
Unfortunately, getting out is the
hard part (bwa ha!). While the libido-challenged
aim to even up the odds, a cross-dressing,
masquerading killer has locked all
of the doors and slowly begins bumping
off our friends. Inbetween the chasm-spaced
kill scenes, we’re attacked
with non-stop yelling, tight close-ups
of hilariously-clothed, unattractive
people making out, bad recurring
sound effects, and lots of mannequins.
There’s one nasty gore sequence,
lots of boobs, and a surprising
amount of dead people in their underwear.
One girl has an odd sinus problem
and frequently rubs her nose. The
ending, for what it’s worth,
was pretty unique for a slasher,
but utter nonsense when compared
to the rest of the “plot.”
Hide And Go Shriek, you’ve
accumulated all of the golden bad
slasher requisites. Unfortunately,
you don’t know what to do
with them. Forty minutes of incidental
hubbub, moronic dialogue (“Fear
is not in my vocabulary, squid!”),
and literal hide-and-seek games
is one thing; copy and pasting those
elements for a full 90 minutes is
another altogether. By the time
things got cooking towards the end,
the sight of these eight nobs crawling
around Fine Furniture was enough
to drive me off a cliff. Scares
were nil and a steady pace was nowhere
to be found. Repetition, on the
other hand, was put to expert use.
Not really a good thing.
On their way to the store, the kids
stopped their maroon Dodge van at
a red light. They burst from the
doors, ran around like maniacs,
and jumped back in the van. What
in the hell?! My wife said, “Chinese
fire drill, duh.” I love ‘87!
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The sun-dried cover art boasts,
“Unrated version: contains
footage too shocking for the theatrical
release.” Really? Things were
a bit dark on the print side, but
the picture was nice and lived in.
Rental action appears to have been
fierce. The sound was in stereo
and I liked it.
EXTRAS
New Star Video is new to my eyes.
They’ve got a logo montage,
but it definitely lacks on the neon-laser
beam front.
FINAL THOUGHTS
With a little editing, Hide
And Go Shriek could have been
the real deal. As is, it’s
a passable watch with plenty of
laughs at the expense of dated fashions
and situations. Pretty heavy on
the sleaze too. Skippy Schoolnik,
you almost had it.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 02.09.05 |
Get ripped
Babe heaven
Coke nose
Knives for lives
|
