GALLERY
OF HORROR (1966)
aka DR. TERROR'S GALLERY OF HORRORS
Directed by David L. Hewitt
Academy VHS
Reviewed 07.14.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Say your prayers, Amicus. Watch
your back, Hammer. Tedium artiste
David L. Hewitt has anthology-pen
in hand...and he’s aiming
for you.
Yep, David L. Hewitt. Gallery
Of Horror is a mid-career horror
anthology from the guy behind dirt
cheap, molasses tinged hits like
The Mighty Gorga and Monsters
Crash The Pajama Party. While
Hewitt’s “how to”
manual often reads like a Jerry
Warren blueprint in 60s Eastman
color (one or two sets, looooong
master shots, people sitting around
and talking), he’s got a little
more going on in terms of outrageous
hooks. Namely, lots of drugstore-costumed
monsters. Gallery is no
different. In fact, the movie hoists
Hewitt’s anti-director charms
even higher. Halfway through, I
decided that this film truly had
no business existing. Then I marveled
at a blitzed Lon Chaney, Jr. slurring
“I’M A GENIUS!”
over and over; anti-art has hit
its lowest (highest?) ebb.
John Carradine gushes through hasty
gobbledygook about witches, warlocks,
curses, and horse carriages, while
standing in front of a half-imposed
castle photo and introducing five
stories. I use the term “stories”
ever so loosely. Basically, there
are five fifteen minute segments
that jump right in and offer no
narrative arc, usually relying on
two sets and lots of clumsy dialogue.
If you can make it out alive, you’ll
be treated to the following: “The
Witch’s Clock,” a married
couple buy an old castle, find a
grandfather clock, talk with John
Carradine, and burst into flames;
“King Vampire,” two
cops talking in an office about
a vampire killer; “Monster
Raid,” employs endless stock
footage of a carriage, as a scientist
plots his zombie-fied revenge in
the worst Hitchcock impression of
all time; “The Spark Of Life,”
Professor Lon Chaney (looking like
a bloated cantaloupe) stumbles over
dialogue like “electro-stimulis”
while he helps two students resurrect
a body, all Frankenstein-like; “Count
Alucard,” rips off the first
part of Stoker’s Dracula,
complete with deranged Lugosi vocal
tics, hilarious bat transformation
scenes, and a two second werewolf
appearance. Filmed at Hollywood
Stage, Hollywood California. Marvelous!
As the same tired cast fumbles throughout,
hoping to add some spice to the
flaccid “twist” endings,
Hewitt piles on the pointlessness.
Poorly placed shots, a handful of
close-ups, and a refusal to show
the monsters on parade....these
are a few of his favorite things.
Each story tends to cheat the viewer
out of anything he or she
might deem interesting, so you’re
left with 80 minutes of theremin
echo and drawn out conversations.
Set the alarm and get to bed; this
night is over.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Widescreen police! Gallery
appears in the thinnest letterboxing
imaginable. While that’s a
nice touch (I guess?), the picture
was still fuzzy, full of scratches,
and begging for some extra splice
tape to patch up the jump cuts.
The mono sound was blanketed in
that ol’ recorded-in-a-glove-compartment
goodness.
EXTRAS
Academy usually throws on a trailer
after the feature. What happened?!
After falling asleep like seventeen
times, I could’ve used a little
Puzzle
trailer to rev things up.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Gallery Of Horror, like
the majority of David L. Hewitt’s
films, can be appreciated on an
absurdist level. It takes a little
work, so you can decide if you’re
up to the challenge. Charming at
times, but ultimately boring as
hell.
Thanks to Dan Budnik for providing
a copy of this film! |
At the beach?
Monster Raid
A moment of non-clarity
A reeeeaal scorcher
|
