ENDPLAY (1976)
Directed by Tim Burstall
Academy VHS
Reviewed 03.13.08
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
There's something to be said for a film which depicts a wheelchair, a bow and arrow set, and a naked dead girl on its front cover. So, I'm gonna say it.

Jesus H., is this movie boring.

I have no problem with wheelchairs, bow ‘n’ arrows, or naked dead girls. Unfortunately, Endplay does. You see, after unloading 30 minutes of top-drawer hooks (wheelchair killer, assured photography, effective detailings), we hit the slumps. Big time. Australia does it again!

A beautiful hitchhiker. A pair of brown leather driving gloves. Kisses! Breast grope! Crotch grab! DEATH! Endplay shoots out of the gate and I think, “Has Australia finally made a good one?” Wait. Two brothers, Robbbie and Mark, have inherited 80k from their deceased father. Robbie hangs out in a wheelchair and likes to shoot his crossbow. Mark plays Weekend At Bernie’s with the hitchhiking girl’s dead body. His antics are slightly warped and decidedly creepy. I’m not certain what the bros are doing at Robbie’s mansion. However, after Mark ditches the corpse at Rex Cinemas, we’re back there. For good. As the film devolved into people talking in a living room for minutes on end, I decided to appease my yearnings and sleep. Occasionally, I’d adjust my position. That’s when the following was absorbed:

Lobby cards for A Clockwork Orange were hanging at Rex Cinemas. Awesome!

Robbie witnesses his parents having sex as a youngster and the cops won’t help him. What?

The mansion is full of axes, fencing swords, and sabres. Seventh grade ruled.

Climactic, twenty minute verbal explanations of what happened during the preceding hour and a half give me the shitz.

“DON’T TOUCH MY CROSSBOW!”

This thing ran for 110 minutes. The End.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Join the H.I.S.S. Army. The print was primo 70s -- washed out and fuzzy, but ultimately clean. It passed the test. The sound, on the other hand, was apparently pieced together by overdubbing several hundred times between a pair of Sears boomboxes. In theory, that sounds terrific, but I didn’t see Bob Pollard’s name anywhere in the credits. (In other words, it’s junk.)

EXTRAS
A trailer for The Club leads me to believe that the film concerns either: 1. A rugby team, or 2. A gay workout troupe. Mustaches are so difficult to interpret these days.

FINAL THOUGHTS
“Tension, taught as a BOWSTRING! And you’ll shiver at a QUIVER-FULL of shocking surprises as Endplay lets you match wits with the psychotic mind of a serial killer!” And with that, we reach the bottom line. Box art and copy = “A++”. Movie = “D-”. You = “Don’t need to see it. Ever.”

Wheels Of Death


Can't touch this.


To hitch no more


Quiver-fulls