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DEMON WARRIOR (1988)
Directed by Frank Patterson
Monarch Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 02.16.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
There's trouble afoot. After 20
minutes, the only things that stand
out are a Beethoven haircut and
a chubby guy driving his truck off
a cliff. Towards the end, a cop
barfs. I walk away. Defeated.
During the opening minutes of Demon
Warrior, a good ol' boy hunter
declares, "Aw no, I ain't fallin'
for this cockamamie Indian bullshit
again!" Harsh, but true. I've
fallen again, sucked into the promise
of supernatural Injuns and their
lust for revenge. Cheaper than Ghost
Dance, not as gritty as
Scalps,
and holding a half empty glass of
depression to Death Curse Of
Tartu's half full glass of
charm, the Texas-shot Demon
Warrior is the pits. Well,
there is one consolation. The title
of "Original Music" is
credited to a Mr. Kirk Cameron.
Imagine that. That impending addition
of Leo DiCaprio on Growing Pains
must've hit him harder than we thought.
Four late-80s clods high tail it
to a secluded cabin, owned by one
of the guys' great Grandpa. Stopping
for gas, the kids get the Old Man
warning ("That wouldn't be
the ol' Willard place, would it?")
and split to buy brewskis. For no
reason in particular, we're shown
scenes of a businessman arriving
on an air strip, checking into a
hotel, and opening his suitcase.
In slow motion. Pretty soon, an
Indian spirit is on the loose (Grandpa
stole his land!). He's got the body
of a third-rate pro wrestler and
an elephantine latex boar mask for
a head. He shoots arrows and scalps
'em, if only once in awhile. The
businessman ("I'm a banking
investor...") attempts to help
our heroes with his meditation and
authentic Toys 'R' Us costume. Talking.
Walking. Talking. Hunting. Walking.
Talking. Then, whammo! Lightning
literally strikes. Another one bites
the dust.
Demon Warrior is a drop
dead bust. The actors are half asleep.
There's nothing to laugh at. Padding
overtakes whatever slight coherence
the script might have had and violates
it to no end. Flatlined and torturous,
the film could've used more weirdness,
blood, and/or dumber lines. The
comic relief "stud" imitating
Yoda is too dorky to matter. At
least Kirk Cameron had the sense
to blast a few squealing saxophones
after the curious ending. I always
knew he was the coolest Seaver.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Funny, but Monarch's presentation
of this rarity looks stellar. The
print is completely free of defects
and crystal clear. The mono sound
sometimes retreated to the sole
comfort of the right speaker, but
I didn't mind.
EXTRAS
No trailers and a really cruddy
logo treatment. Boring and fitting.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Demon Warrior fully demonstrates
that the Indian-spirit-as-a-slasher
concept was always outta luck. Trust
me, you don't have time for this
film. |
Mr. Universe '88
Oven mitts required
The Tomahawk
Sweet victory
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