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DEATH ROW DINER (1988)
Directed by B. Dennis Wood
Camp Video VHS
Reviewed 04.20.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Contrary to popular belief, The
Noid does not live comfortably today.
His quarterly Domino's Pizza royalties
dried up long ago. Nintendo won't
even return the little guy's calls.
Naturally, vengence begins at the
bottom. B. Dennis Wood, take heed;
you'd better Avoid The Noid.
What else does Death Row Diner
have to offer besides an uncredited
appearance from The Noid? As if
you needed to ask. A late 80s shot
on video (SOV) case of the runs
from our producing pals at Camp
Video, Death Row Diner
is a 68 minute, tongue-in-throat
take on the movie industry, as seen
through the foliage of several very
large mustaches. If you like the
word "fuck," epileptic
Elvis impersonators, and disgusting
Asian stereotypes, welcome home.
If you're too smart for that stuff,
there's no nudity, but lots of terribly
great gore. So much for the sophisticates.
In the late 1940s, movie mogul Otis
Wilcox is sent to the chair for
a crime he didn't commit. Present
day. A narrator (most likely Ben
Stiller warming up for Zoolander)
chimes in to lay it down. Wilcox's
studio has fallen into the hands
of flamboyant director "Wild"
Bill Weston, who is currently filming
in the very same prison where Otis
was executed. Leading lady Julia
(Scream Queen Michelle Bauer, who
visited the SOV dumpster in the
earlier Terror
On Tape) lounges around
in lingerie while a reincarnated
Otis becomes the killing kind. Industry
not-so-in-jokes flick 'n' stick
like cold snots. A girl is strangled,
so blood gushes out of her neck.
Otis knocks out a few peepers with
a ping-pong paddle. Food is an axis
for current events. Roll the blooper
tape.
Death Row Diner is in dire
need of some A.D.R., a non-retarded
soundtrack, and a joke editor. However,
any SOV trash film that includes
philosophic gems such as "Soon,
she would come face to face with
the toughest critic of them all
-- THE TRUTH!" can't be all
bad. And just by a feathered hair,
it's not. This is cryptic, moronic
horror-comedy, but it won't kill
you. From the Video
Violence and Hollywood
Chainsaw Hookers plugs to the
living cartoon caricatures, one-shot
director B. Dennis Wood and friends
just want to have fun; that's the
saving grace. Production values
are higher than most SOV escapades,
but the editing and camera work
stink. Maybe it was the bad karma
from all those inconsiderate gags?
Two decades later and The Noid still
hasn't seen a penny. Let's pray
that he has a sense of humor.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
It's the camcorder revolution. The
presentation here is worse than
most SOV horror films (extra soft,
ugly colors), but always watchable.
They must have used premium tapes.
EXTRAS
Camp Video, I had no idea you cared.
Following the feature are 15 minutes
of home made trailers for various
Camp releases, including Hollywood
Chainsaw Hookers, Video
Violence 2, and Slime City.
There's also a 6 minute featurette
titled "All Star Bikini Arm
Wrestling." Strippers, bad
Iron Maiden (or Journey?) rips,
and strange men. Eject.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Brainless, but sometimes fun, Death
Row Diner is far from essential
SOV garbage. I mean, they can't
all be Blood
Lake. Watch it if you feel
like it.
Thanks to Fred Adelman for providing
a copy of this film! |
Greetza Pizza
Ping Pong failure
Mr. Big Stuff
YEAH!!
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