CAMPFIRE TALES (1991)
Directed by William Cooke & Paul Talbot
K-B Releasing VHS
Reviewed 12.21.07
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
Drugs. Pirates. Satan Claus. And a bad-ass fat kid. With Air Jordans. Yes.

David Essex's "Rock On" once pondered, "Where do we go from here?" So too, do I now ponder. For where can one go when the limits of simplistic, no-fi trash ridiculousness are pushed to the utmost edge? Campfire Tales, a ragged anthology which somehow meshes Andy Milligan's anti-artsy compositions with Blood Lake's exciting colloquialisms, holds the answer. We shall go to Ralph. Yes, Ralph; the "harmless bum" who "lost his hand in 'Nam" and “might be a crazy old man". So please grab a stick, poke a marshmallow, and gather 'round the world's tiniest fire. It's about to get Ultra Kool in here.

Three junior high goons (the fat, the mulleted, the Jane's Addiction devotee) sit transfixed in the woods as Ralph (Gunnar "Leatherface" Hansen) spins his stories with pointless majesty. This, often to the accompaniment of z-list Metal, lots of strawberry-preserves gore, eating, sweet South Carolinian accents, and a constant squeaking noise. Yeah! "The Hook": It's Halloween. Two people make out in a car. They go home. The Hook awaits....and then he slips on a pie tin. "Overtoke": Simply put, don't smoke pot. If you do, you will turn into a zombie and your body parts will fall off. "The Fright Before Xmas": My favorite. Steve kills his mother on Christmas because she won't give him the money to open a health spa. Awesome. Satan Claws, a jaycees-styled monstrosity, soon arrives to dole out the comeuppance. Quadruple awesome. "Skull & Crossbones": An embarrassed Pirate walks around on a beach whilst spewing racial slurs. Fast forward...fast forward...ah, Pirate zombies. En guard! Ralph is not what he seems. Harmless bum, my foot.

Campfire Tales is the prototypical trash anthology. Brief, gory, and unapologetic in its stupidity, this film is a reward for each and every minute spent in the company of Terrifying Tales. And who knows? You might even find yourself admiring the occasional creeps and patches of ambition.

Harmless bums. Who knew?!

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Rest assured, K-B Releasing has done their homework. The shabby, film-sourced print is quite dark, there's a bit of ghosting, and the overdubbed audio bits are ten times louder than everything else. Occasionally, it was hard to tell what was going on. A+++.

EXTRAS
What I really want for Christmas is the money to open a health spa. Anyone? Satan Claus? Rhonda?

FINAL THOUGHTS
Illegal drug use should not be taken lightly. Nor should middle-aged men emoting in Pirate tights. Thankfully, Campfire Tales addresses both of these subjects (and much, much more) with appropriate amounts of respect and grandeur. Watch it around Christmas. Watch it around Halloween. Watch it any old time. Because Satan Claus is watching you.

Buzzed


He is watching


There goes the spa


Breaking a leg