BLOOD
DINER (1987)
Directed by Jackie Kong
Vestron VHS
Reviewed 01.26.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Lessons are a part of life, no?
You live and you learn. Blood
Diner revealed a good one for
me. No more money shall be wasted,
no more resources will be tapped;
if a film description anywhere alludes
to the concept of -- choke -- a
“horror-comedy,” I’ll
look the other way and keep on walking.
I’ve got my integrity, you
know?
Two brothers named Mike and George
Namtut dig up the grave of their
Uncle Amwar in order to resuscitate
his brain. Uncle A. holds the secrets
of the Lamarian feast, a cannibal
ritual that will raise the goddess
Sheetar through the use of body
parts and virgin blood. Why they’re
interested in performing this ritual
is anyone’s guess. I think
maybe they could use a nice Baskin
Robbins ice cream cone to even things
out. Anyway, Mike and George run
a veggie restaurant called “Namtut
Cafe.” Guess what they serve
to the unknowing customers? Insert
numerous dick jokes, lame sight
gags, and fifty instances of the
following dialogue: “Georgie,
stop fooling around!” After
tons of gore and nudity, including
some lengthy full frontal, the boys
gather up all the blood buffet ingredients
at a half-empty dance club. It’s
time for Sheetar’s awakening.
Wake me in the morning.
Conceived as an “homage”
to Lewis and Friedman’s Blood
Feast and produced by current
H.G. Lewis rights holder Jimmy Maslon,
Blood Diner closely resembles
a classier Troma film; a rip-off
of story traits from Blood Feast
and The
Undertaker And His Pals
played for straight-up, gross-out
laughs. Needless to say, the film’s
antiquated sense of humor doesn’t
hold up today, if ever. The occasional
gore quip produced some chuckles
(the no-handed car driver), but
a majority of the misogynistic puns
were unequivocally lame. Eventhough
the film felt like it was edited
through the goggles of a Mountain
Dew six pack, I still had trouble
sustaining interest. It’s
all gore, boobs, puke, bad accents,
and wrestling spoofs, none of which
add up to anything funnier than
Revenge Of The Nerds IV: Nerds
In Love.
I’ve laughed far more at films
that weren’t supposed to be
funny. I’ve been thoroughly
thrilled by low budget gore that
was meant to be shocking. Blood
Diner, you’re useless.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The shell of this rental looks sparkling,
as if it was never taken home. Funny.
The full frame print looks like
it was processed through a pair
of sunglasses. Probably one of the
most hilariously worn tapes I've
ever seen. The stereo sound was
TOO DANG LOUD. CHECK THOSE FADERS,
VESTRON.
EXTRAS
Not a one...and thank goodness for
that.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Whatever charms were mustered in
‘87 have been chipped away
by the sands of time. Basically,
Blood Diner is a total
piece of garbage, but not in a good
way. Don’t even bother. |
Cig, soup, ventriliquism
Murder by phone
Hip dads & moms
Sheetar on fire
|
