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BLACKENSTEIN (1973)
Directed by William A. Levey
Media Home Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 07.13.06
Review by Dan Budnik
THE FILM
If I ever lost my arms and legs...And,
if I had a girlfriend who was a
loving physicist named Winifred...And,
if that girlfriend knew a Dr. Stein
who could prepare bottles filled
with yellow liquid containing "DNA
Formula"...And, if Dr. Stein
said he could put new arms and legs
on me...And, if the side effect
was that I would go out at night
with a big, square head and start
killing people...And, if I could
spend five minutes with the comedy
stylings of Andy "C"...*
If all these things came together
and someone hired William A. Levey
to direct it all...
Then, yes, I would be the happiest
man in the universe because I would
be -- Blackenstein.**
A world where everything is confusion
and nothing seems to make sense.
A dark, disjointed place where people
have dinner at long, dark tables
surrounded by pitch-blackness in
the middle of the afternoon. A place
where a large-breasted woman is
always right around the corner just
in time for a monster. (Such a wonderful
place.) "Why does the man you
experimented on and gave new limbs
to periodically turn into a fellow
who looks a lot like the Frankenstein
Monster?" No one asks it. Why
would they? No one retains much
memory from scene to scene.
A New World is envisioned with every
passing moment!
This is not a particularly nice
world in the average human sense.
It's
dark and grotty. A lot of people
being ripped open. A lot of dirty
jokes. A lot of people being unpleasant
to one another. But, Blackenstein
always looks like he's having a
good time. He is "connected
to his work" in the best possible
way. A man likes to know he has
accomplished something at the end
of the day (night). Blackenstein
knows he has. He has the entrails
to prove it. And, they made a movie
about him. Can you say the same
about you?
I thought not. Connect with your
job more, why don't ya?
Eddie, Dr. Stein, Winifred, Malcomb,
Andy "C", that woman who
looks like my Aunt Mary, Topless
Sally, Girl in Dune Buggy, Bruno,
the hospital attendant with the
chip on his shoulder, the three
guys at the club who could be pimps
but might not be, Steve. Don't you
want to know these people? Blackenstein
holds out its damaged but loving
hand and says, "Join us! We're
not just a horror picture, not just
blaxploitation. We're something
greasier. More alive and more boring,
often at the same time. It's a dark
world but there is love and where
there isn't love there's an old
lady who wants to stay young and
a laboratory straight out of the
corner of some warehouse. Why not
travel with us and learn? We're
like life. You never know what crap
is going to hit you in the face
next."
A picture of the monster can carry
you into the film but it requires
some stamina to make it through.
If you do, however, director William
Levey has promised me that he will
thank each person, individually,
with a hunk of 5-year-old summer
sausage he recently found out back
in the shed behind the trampoline
that his kids used to use but now
just kind of sits there rusting.
He believes the stock of summer
sausage was meant to be a gift of
some kind that was forgotten when
they had Great-Grandma Fannie staying
with them after she had her hips
removed and accidentally replaced
with artificial shoulders. Funny,
but not practical for walking. (Of
course, a neighbor could have been
hoarding the sausage back there
against Mr. Levey's wishes.)
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Succulent & Sumptuous, respectively.
Media always comes through with
the Greasy. I know this is on DVD
but why, Good Lord, why?
EXTRAS
You think you're going on a Carnival
Cruise? You're watching a film called
Blackenstein. Expect nothing
and enjoy.
FINAL THOUGHTS
If everything I've said is not incentive
enough for spending an evening with
everyone's favorite black Frankenstein
Monster, let me quote the Cardella
Di Milo's theme song: "Sometimes
I drink! Sometimes I cry!"
Amen. Sometimes I do them at the
same time. And, sometimes it's great.
Thank you, Blackenstein.
*You should hear
his joke about the talking dog.
My grandmother always used to say,
"Danny, don't work blue!"
Until she saw Andy "C".
Now, she loves a dog-humping joke
more than anyone I know.#
**The Black Frankenstein
#Apart from Andy
"C"., of course. |
You're a good man, Eddie
Andy "C" is, indeed, on
the mic
DNA fever
Bad attitude = no shoulder
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