BERSERKER
(1987)
Directed by Jefferson Richard
Prism VHS
Reviewed 12.06.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Get a load of this tagline, copied
verbatim from the back of my ratty
Prism tape: “A group of college
students stumble across the chilling
legend of a bloodthirsty viking
warrior.” Did they stutter?
A slasher with a viking warrior-killer?!
Amazing. Count me in, Berserker.
As long as you don’t cheat
me outta that viking killer. Dumb
as it may seem, that’s what
I’ve paid to see, so by god,
you’d better deliver.
Opening scene: Ha ha, those good-natured
old folks sure don’t hold
up too well against a big bear claw,
do they? Wait a minute. Bear claw?
Warning number one.
Meet the cast: High octane Josh
and his group of city slicker college
kids (shoot and score; as usual
with any spooky trash film, these
“kids” look to be around
thirty years old) climb into the
pick-up and drive up to the Rainbow
Valley campgrounds. These six classic
examples of 80s dudes n’ babes
(feathered mullets, elastic pants,
etc., etc.) toke the doobs, drink
lots of Lite beer, and provide untold
minutes of amazing entertainment
for you and me. What do they do
when they reach the campgrounds?
Sweat a lot. Also, pull off SWEET
tricks on three wheelers, pour beer
on each other, and explain the legend
of the “Berserker,”
a convoluted Nordic legend that’s
rumored to turn bears into possessed
killers. Warning number two.
Meet the killer: After talking with
“Pappy” (George “Buck”
Flowers, legendary exploitation
actor and writer of Drive-In
Massacre) and settling
down for the night, one of the girls
walks a really long way to take
a leak. A bear stalks her. Cue gory
bear mauling. Warnings are over.
We’ve been had.
That was quick. Yep, turns out our
Nordic killer is really a bear.
Or is it? The promised killer finally
shows up unceremoniously towards
the end, looking like a z-rate professional
wrestler with a german shepherd
snout mask. Unfortunately, since
the real bear ends up mauling the
Viking killer in a crazy wrestling
match, it’s never explained
just who did the slayings in the
first place. Bottom line: whenever
there’s a kill scene, we’re
shown the bear. No dice. Filling
up the rest of the runtime is lots
(I mean LOTS) of boring bumbling
in the woods, a baffling kill-intercut-with-sex
scene montage, typical male bonding
beer ‘n’ chess game,
and scenes of the bear slowly making
his way through the woods. An amazingly
bad hair metal song that repeats
“You’re a cool dude!”
over and over will make you sweat.
Then you’ll fit in with the
rest of the cast much better.
Oh Berserker, you could’ve
been so much more. An interesting
and creepy slasher twist is hampered
by bad editing, an even worse pace,
and a final fifteen minutes that
are utterly pointless. On the good
side, the kill scenes were effectively
gruesome and a majority of the dialogue
from our vacationing victims was
hysterical. But that’s just
not going to cut it when you promise
a ridiculous viking killer and deliver
an everyday grizzly bear.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Not too bad, not too good. Looks
like some major rental action took
place here, as the picture is fuzzy
and worn. Some scratching was evident
on the print, but the stereo sound
was grade-a.
EXTRAS
I thought I’d seen the best
that 80s video intros had to offer,
but Prism has just slapped my face.
Now those are some rude lasers!
FINAL THOUGHTS
If you come across an old tape of
Berserker for under two
dollars, it might be worth it. Just
don’t go out of your way to
sit through this one, ok? It’s
far from a perfect bad 80s package. |
Sweet deck
I'm not so sure this is scary
Josh rolls with it
Looks scary, but...
|
