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BEAKS THE MOVIE (1987)
aka BIRDS OF PREY
Directed by Rene Cardona, Jr.
I.V.E. Home Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 01.25.07
Review by Dan Budnik
THE FILM
I really enjoyed Beaks The Movie
for the same reasons I really enjoy
Cracked Magazine, circa 1975-1985.
And, it has nothing to do with The
Fonz. (No more than anything else
has anything to do with The Fonz.)
In Beaks, birds all over
the world go mad and begin killing
people. A roving reporter (Michelle
Johnson) and her roving cameraman
friend (Chris Atkins) follow the
trail. They seem to work for some
sort of local Spanish station but
end up flying all over the place
on a series of vague leads and odd
reports. Assorted groups of characters
appear, get chased around by birds
and then vanish for long periods
of time. A man who looks exactly
like Post-Modern author John Barth
gets his eye ripped out.* There
is a show-stopping attack at a children’s
party. There is an attack on a train
full of evacuees. The credits rolled
as I stepped towards the kitchen
real quick to get some more Cool
Ranch Doritos. I thought I had missed
the big ending. No. It just ends.
A low-budget, suspense-free rip-off
(or homage?) of The Birds,
directed by one of the exploitation
masters -- Mr. Rene Cardona, Jr.
The reason behind such a film? Sheer
entertainment. Does it succeed?
Hell, yeah. It’s better than
Ratman and Zombie 3,
if you need a guidepost of some
kind. It is pure unadulterated goofball
movement from scene to scene and
event to event. Any glue that might
hold characters or stories together
is non-existent. It’s a conglomerate
of bird attacks with some other
crowd-pleasing bits thrown in. And,
it’s all the better for it.
Now, what was that about Cracked
earlier? Well, sit down for a moment
and I’ll explain myself. The
reasons why I liked Cracked (and
still do) is the blatant way they
pandered completely to their pre-teen
and teen-boy audience. Oh sure,
other folks read it but during the
late 70’s and first half of
the 80’s the whole thing was
skewed perfectly. They didn’t
do a lot of political stuff. They
didn’t do a lot of movie parodies
unless the film was Jaws
or Star Wars. Mad would
cover it all, but Cracked stuck
with pop culture’s brightest
stars at that moment.
Case in point: The Fonz. The Fonz
appears on the cover of one issue
of Mad. And they’ve drawn
Groucho Marx glasses, nose and mustache
on him. The cover caption says that
they refuse to capitalize on big
stars the way other magazines do.
Behind the picture are various "Ayyyy’s!"
and "Sit on It’s!" What
they were referring to was the fact
that from 1976-1978 The Fonz (or
The Fonze as they misspell him on
one issue) appears on around 6 covers.
Why? To sell the magazine. They
team him up with Laverne & Shirley,
Close Encounters, Rocky
and he even is seen at the beach
with Darth Vader. Anything to sell
the magazine. There was even a "Fonz
for President! Collector’s
Edition". Once Star Wars
and Mork and Gary Coleman hit, the
Fonz faded. Kids found other things
they liked and Cracked always knew
exactly what their audience wanted.
(Cracked used to specialize in the
team-up. "If Gary Coleman Were
On Other Shows" is a standard example.
They loved to combine Hit Movies
and TV shows. My favorite? Mr.
Smith Meets Knight Rider**
You pinpoint the audience and shoot
right for it. Shameless? Oh sure.
Fun? Oh yes. Funny? Well, not always.)
What I’m trying to say is
that Rene Cardona Jr. (and his father)
hit audiences the way Cracked did.
You want a movie about killer birds,
you want 80s gore, you want some
skin. They know you do and they
know that you don’t want to
sit around and wait for it. Beaks
is a perfect case-in-point. Tune
in and enjoy.
The second time I watched Beaks
I had a pile of Crackeds in front
of me. Try it. It improves one’s
quality of life immeasurably.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Just fine. The VHS I watched was
in decent shape. There was the occasional
roll in the picture but it just
reminded me of my own mortality.
EXTRAS
Nothing.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Rene Cardona strikes like the cobra.
But, it’s good poison, so
having someone suck it out is done
at your discretion.
* In fact, I'd say he was John Barth's
twin. Except for the fact that Mr.
Barth has a twin sister. Maybe his
Mom had triplets and sent one to
Spain as part of some kind of experiment.
Read Lost In The Funhouse
& Chimera.
**Mr. Smith was an orangutan
who was really smart and went to
Washington D.C. where he entered
a career in politics. The show was
live-action and ran for 13 episodes
back in 1983. I remember watching
it quite clearly and Cracked used
the character in a parody and put
a picture of him on the cover (not
a drawing). Yet, it was apparently
one of NBC’s lowest-rated
shows ever. Hmmm...History has provided
the answers here. |
Cracked Lens try-outs
Sweet pecks
I survived BEAKS THE MOVIE
Da Beaks
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