Nomad Riders (1981)

Directed by Frank Roach
Vestron Video VHS

Steve Thrust is here! And do not screw with his wife and daughter. Especially, do not put his wife and daughter in a tent and blow it up with a hand grenade. I’m talking to you, biker guys! If you’re the Nomad Riders of the title, you just cheesed Thrust off. And Thrust is going to come down on you… hard!  

That’s no reason, however, for the bikers, known as The Marauders, to cancel a party they’re having at the old Cooper Farm tonight. Scuz, Grenade, Cannibal and all their friends will be there. Boogers and Junior might show up. However, keep in mind, that the enormous gal with braces and the “DO IT TO IT” T-shirt whose name I don’t remember will also be there. And she will arm wrestle every one of you wimpoids right into the ground at a moment’s notice.

Thrust is on their trail, though! Never fear. He’s after the bikers and he’s after a Mr. Vacci, who hired the bikers to “scare” Thrust away from something-or-other. Vacci may or may not be some sort of underworld kingpin. He’s played by Frank Roach, the director, and if he knows what Vacci is up to, he’s not telling me. Suffice it to say, Vacci is bad. The bikers are bad. Thrust is good, oh so good. He’s going to catch them and he’s going to kill them.

This modern-day hero comes to us from the mind of Mr. Roach, director of the gloriously weird Frozen Scream. He made that film with Renee Harmon. Nomad Riders isn’t quite as crazy as his other film. It has sync sound for one thing. And the plot is more or less straightforward. But, it’s still a wonderfully loony film that I enjoyed to bits. The hero’s name is Steve Thrust, for heaven’s sake! The bikers blow up a surveyor in a port-a-poddy. They drive their bikes through an old woman’s living room. The old woman has a Playgirl with Paul McCartney on the cover prominently displayed on her coffee table. There is a scene in a biker bar that involves strippers, moonwalkers, moped riders, fist fights, grenade throwing and more. There’s even a song on the jukebox that repeats “You are my cow” over and over again. Mr. Roach seems to have graduated from the same film school as Renee and James Bryan.

In Thrust We Trust! Steve’s a little nebbishy. He has a distracting New England accent. He flies some sort of small glider plane. He frequents only the best brothels. He breaks all the rules. However,  and this is the important bit, he gets things done! Watching Thrust pound his way through all the red tape and save the day from whoever it was that needed saving was awesome. Is there a scene where he turns in his badge? Yes. Does one of the ladies on the force (played by Lynne Cokol, star of Frozen Scream) fall for Thrust? Yes. Does he get a smooth jazz love scene all over her? Most definitely. Is everything he does awesome? You bet your ass. And, the whole thing is dedicated to Steve’s parents: Jed and Muriel Thrust, which I think is darling. (That’s a lie.)

Stop reading. Put on a fresh pair of pants. Pour yourself a glass of something. And watch Nomad Riders. Afterwards, if you’re up for it, you can be my cow.