| Article
by Joseph A. Ziemba
"This
man’s name is John Austin
Frasier. He lived in Chicago, Illinois.
He now resides at the state mental
hospital. We are saddened to tell
you that this tragic condition was
brought on when Mr. Frasier attended
the world premiere of our triple
nightmare of horror program: Orgy
Of The Living Dead."
Do you remember the feeling? It’s
something that can only hit in adolescence;
an inner glow that can only truly
mesmerize the mind of a naive youth.
Back when the allure of exotic horrors
pulled at your tiny heartstrings
and your parents forbade you to
walk out of the corner video store
with anything more taboo than Disney’s
“Condorman,” where could
you go? Who could possibly provide
you with the wonderful shocks that
your ever-growing mind was craving?
Meet my friend, the trailer.
Let’s face it. Things have
changed since we were kids. Take
me for example. After my parents
discovered that the big boxes I
was picking out were strictly not
for my eyes (Dawn
Of The Mummy, for example),
the hammer came down. I was still
allowed to take a look in the horror
room of “The Video Store”
(real name, I swear), but no blood
or sex allowed. In other words,
rentals were not an option. Knowing
that my friends only had access
to “classics” like Friday
The 13th Part V: A New Beginning,
I was at a loss. My obsessive itch
for what lurked beyond those enormous,
bewitching boxes needed to be scratched.
And why not? What monster-loving
ten year old could resist titles
like The
Mad Doctor Of Blood Island
or Frankenstein’s Castle
Of Freaks? I sure couldn’t.
Then something happened. During
a tag along trip to the mall, my
Mom let me peruse a rack of cheap
VHS tapes on our way through the
drugstore check-out line. A mysterious
beast stood out; one that compiled
an entire tape of little movie previews,
just like the ones that greeted
me on rental tapes! Only these weren’t
normal movie previews. The tape
was called Screen Scaries
and promised “Non-stop explosive
excitement! Your favorite terror
filled moments from BLOOD-O-RAMA
SHOCK FESTIVAL and a living dead
extravaganza!” I begged and
pleaded. Luck was on my side, as
the box copy seemed to point out
that the tape featured interviews
and behind-the scenes features from
horror films, in addition to the
previews. I breathed a sigh of victory
as my Mom said, “Well, as
long as there’s no bad stuff
in it.” Uh, would the Fort
Worth Star Telegram lend a blurb
on the cover if it wasn't
good stuff? I think not. Little
did she know.
Upon returning home, I ripped open
the plastic and removed the $3.99
price tag, making a post-haste beeline
to the living room. Screen Scaries
entered the VCR and life would never
be the same again. What unfolded
before me was a 40 minute parade
of werewolves, zombies, blood, sex,
mad killers, screaming damsels,
and panting narrators, in addition
to (yawn) some shot-on-video interviews
with people like George Romero,
Linnea Quigley, and Bobby Bresee.
To my astonishment, these trailers
aimed to deliver exactly what was
needed to get people in those seats;
nothing was held back. With previews
of films like Bloodeaters,
The Twilight People, and
Deadtime Stories, I got
my fix and it left me reeling. After
the initial shock and guilt wore
off (after all, I wasn’t supposed
to be seeing this stuff), my mind
kept returning to a few trailers
in particular.
Can a person really go nutzo from
watching a horror movie? At such
a timely age, I wasn’t sure.
After witnessing the straightjacketed
freaks in mockumentary trailers
for “Orgy Of The Living Dead
Triple Nightmare Of Horror Program”
and I Dismember Mama/The
Blood Spattered Bride, I was
even less sure. See, these trailers
made it a point of not revealing
a whole lot of footage from each
of the films they were advertising.
Instead, the viewer was blasted
with a dose of faux reality scares:
a wink-wink gag for teens and adults,
but absolutely shocking to a little
kid. I mean, who was “John
Austin Frasier”? He used to
live in Chicago...which is where
I LIVE!! Would I go crazy from watching
this tape? Would cops come to my
house and strap on a straight jacket,
just like the guy in the “I
Dismember Mama” trailer?!
I remained fascinated, watching
the trailers over and over again,
always imagining the extreme level
of fright that each film could possibly
contain. My sweet tooth for the
sensationalism of cheap horror was
sparked and I can trace it all back...
Screen Scaries became legendary
in my neighborhood, with good reason.
Sure, my trailer interest was subsequently
nurtured by tapes like Horrible
Horror: Hosted By The Cool Ghoul
Zacherley (“The Ultimate
Party Tape!”) and Hallmark’s
Creepy Classics With Vincent Price,
but none ever came close to the
hypnotizing powers of Screen
Scaries. I’m sure the
grue-stew of Terror
On Tape with Cameron Mitchell
might have given me a few nightmares,
but I wasn’t allowed to rent
it. Fifteen years later, this friend
was all but forgotten, lost to the
acquainted ghost of past memories.
It might as well have never existed.
This past summer, my parents moved
out of their house and into a new
one. Expectedly, there was a bin
of my old junk in the crawlspace,
covered in cobwebs and drenched
in dust. I procrastinated when called
to “go through it all.”
You know how it is. When I finally
got around to it, my discoveries
were mind blowing, if only to me.
Packed amongst the fourth grade
drawings and french Spider-Man comics
(don’t ask), was -- you guessed
it -- my dog-eared copy of Screen
Scaries. In a brief instant,
one thousand forgotten memories
flooded my brain, all of them very
welcome. One thousand torments of
pure kiddie shock.
The onslaught of memories not only
sparked my interest in old trailer
collections as an adult, but also
raised some interesting questions.
While most of the previews included
on Screen Scaries were
culled form the vaults of Sam Sherman’s
amazing Independent-International
Pictures, where in the heck did
the strangest ones come from? Who
produced these insane mockumentaries
and where were they shot? Is John
Austin Frasier ok now, cured of
his tongue-lapping psychosis? The
world may never know.
When was the last time a movie trailer
unequivocally riveted you to your
couch? Ten years ago? Fifteen? Even
more? Me too. Unfortunately, that
magic is gone. Partly because we’re
adults now, but mostly because the
era in which this kind of other-worldly
advertising once thrived has passed
on; replaced by a stale lack of
cinematic concern. I’m just
glad my old tape managed to survive.
Got some guts? If so, dare to download
three of the most unforgettable
trailers from the “Screen
Scaries” VHS. The files are
in MPEG-4 format, so you might need
to download the latest version of
Quicktime
to view 'em (it's free). Enjoy and
please...try to avoid ending up
like our dear friend, Mr. Frasier.
Orgy
Of The Living Dead Triple Feature
(4.8 MB)
The
Blood-O-Rama Shock Festival (4.8
MB)
I
Dismember Mama/The Blood Spattered
Bride (2.1 MB)
PC users: right-click,
then 'save-as'.
Mac users: control-click, then 'download
link to disk'.
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