No Bigger Than A Man's Shoe:
Going Berzerk For Starcade
Dan Budnik, 03.04.10
Noon — Saturday Morning — 1983/ 1984 — And, I am nailed to the ground in front of the TV as the Saturday Morning line-up ends with the beauty and simplicity of Starcade. A game show where contestants play video games. One of those ideas that seems 100% obvious but took a little while to actually show up.
Our host is the charming (and occasionally hilariously condescending) Mr. Geoff Edwards.
We start with the introduction of the contestants. Generally, a rather awkward minute or two. I could send you towards any episode for an example of this. The younger the child, the older the adult: that's always a good sign.
The five games for that day are introduced by Kevin, our announcer.
Then — Round 1
Contestants answer a question.
The winner picks the game.
The contestants play the game for 50 (or so) seconds.
Then, another question.
Another game.
Name The Game Round
The high scorer has to name four games. Prizes are given.
Round 2
A question.
One game — 40 (or so) seconds
Final Round
The winner has 30 seconds to play a game leftover from the initial five. They have to beat a predetermined score.
If they win, Joy!!! Usually, the prize is a video game. Sometimes it's a jukebox or a robot or a trip to Hawaii or a lock of Geoff's hair. That last one is a lie.
What a show! I was never a great video game player, especially in the arcade. I got too nervous. People always expected you to put on a show when you played. And, I never seemed to have enough quarters. I think it was the theory that if I had five dollars (for example) I always preferred to buy a book or a Cracked Magazine, rather than making it into quarters and dropping them into games. It seemed like a waste to me.
That's why I loved my Atari 2600. No one to play for but myself. All the time in the world. Thank you, Mr. Guy-Who-Invented-the-Atari 2600. But, that didn't mean that I disliked watching people play games. I could spend an afternoon in the arcade without spending a quarter. I'd just watch and enjoy those who played with verve.
Hello, Starcade.
The contestants were kids my own age, except when they were younger or older or adults or father/ son, mother/ son, father/ daughter, uncle/ nephew, twin sister teams. (One episode has an awesome twin sister team. Both gals are teens. They scream so much, and at everything, I can't help thinking that we've found the missing link between the gals that used to scream at The Beatles and the gals who line up for Twilight.) Watching them play these games was great because some of them were superb. Others....not so much. Some weren't very good at all.
The Silber vs. Luchini episode on the "Offical" Starcade DVD showcases the perfect example: Silber kicks ass. He's an excellent player. Always on top of whatever game he's playing. His opponent, Luchini: Well, he has some trouble with games. He gets 60 points on Munch Mobile, which is, in retrospect, pretty funny. (Have you ever played Munch Mobile? Some of these games were just plain goofy.)
(There is an episode (#20) were a gentleman gets Zero points on the game Rescue. The host looks taken aback. The contestant takes it in stride.)
For most of the episodes, there always seemed to be one person who was slightly better than the other. But, sometimes, luck had a lot to do with it...which leads to a problem I had with the show...I'll bring that up in a minute under Changing Lanes below.
Now...let's talk about Geoff Edwards — game show host & charmer. Everybody loved Geoff, even the studio audience. The studio audience that doesn't seem to be quite there but I believe is, even thought we never see them. There were other hosts for the show early on but Geoff is there for the majority of the 130-odd episodes. And, he brings a mix of good chatter ("Gotta watch out for that spider!"), strange comments ("What happened there, babe?!" to one of the young male contestants) and the occasional choosing of sides (Episode #106 is my favorite example) to his job. On all this...Geoff was the man. No one could present a metal detector to a child as a gift as well as him.
The Game Show is like the Soap Opera. It airs and then vanishes into the ether. I mean, could you imagine owning a complete collection of Guiding Light episodes? Starting on the radio in 1937 segueing into TV in the 50's and running until a year or two ago...Even if it was possible to collect it, why would you? The repetition of plotlines must get exasperating. And, you could probably, start at the beginning and, possibly, never make it to the end before you passed on...Actually, that sounds kind of interesting. But...
A game show appears, airs and then, tomorrow or next week, there's another episode. The only game shows that have survived are the ones with some sort of special circumstances behind them. I'm thinking specifically of You Bet Your Life with Groucho Marx. Aside from a few, they vanish like your average sporting event.
Starcade, however, has rewatchability and zazz! I've watched some of these episodes five or six times. At work, I'll click on the website and have episodes playing in the background throughout my day. It's not just that it's a time capsule. It's also quite exciting and has a wonderfully awkward feel to it. It is the Ultimate Adolescent Game Show. A show that has cracks in its voice and doesn't know what to do when it likes someone. And, above it all, is Geoff, sort of a grown-up guide. Someone who is above the prizes and the competition. Someone who will put his hand on your shoulder and say that it's all right when you lose big time. During the great episode where a small child plays against a large grown-up (#50), Geoff is there to assure the child that, even though he lost by a great margin, he's still a good kid. He's like a well-dressed uncle who has a long, thin microphone with him all the time.
I will not forget the games. One of the draws in the announcer's opening spiel is that many of these games are appearing here for the first time. Setting aside how anyone can be an "expert" on a game that is appearing somewhere for the first time, this is exciting, even if it isn't true. Dragon's Lair! Awesome! Pengo! Love it! Super Pac-Man! Confusing! Pac-Man Plus! The hell? Old classics do appear. Space Invaders is in one episode and it's great to see it there. And, it turns out that the Star Trek game kind of stinks. Far too much stuff going on for my tastes. The Star Wars game is better. That was one I used to play in the arcades.
Some of my favorite games (for assorted reasons):
Changing Lanes — Racing in a car through the streets and in the rivers of big cities OF THE FUTURE! The game itself is pretty straightforward. It's the scoring that grabs me. The averages game gives the player, maybe 5,000 or 10,000 points in the 40-50 seconds. Changing Lanes can give you 100,000 points in the same time. And, if you hang out in the river, a blimp drops these squares on you. Each square is an extra 5,000 points. So, you can get an insane amount of points in this game.
Which, in a show where the highest scoring contestant wins can be a very insidious little game...
Think about it...You're losing. The first two games: You've got 7,586. Your opponent is up 10,725. You get the pick on game Three. Changing Lanes. You stick to the river. The game is close. You got 117,910. Your opponent got 112,872. So, even though you lost the first two games, a close score on this high-scoring thing made you win. One extra blue thing is 5,000...That could be the moment where one wins and another loses.
AND...I mentioned earlier that something about the show bugged me. This is it. Whether you win or lose, it all depends upon points. But, most people don't really play these things for points. Work done on one game may net you 3000. On another game, you may be just as good and get 10,000. So, there are many episodes were someone will lose two of the three games but win with the third by picking one that has a higher scoring margin. (Look at Dragon's Lair for a variation.) This always struck me as odd. Episode #36 is one that always bugs me.
Chaney Vs. Lee — Lee wins the first game, Bagman. Solely because Chaney drops her bag in the wrong spot at the last second. If she had dropped the bag in the wheelbarrow, the game would have been very close after Game 1. Instead, Lee is ahead by several thousand points. Chaney takes the next two games easily, clearly the better player, but those games aren't as high scoring and she loses in the end. So, the whole game comes down to one slight error in the first game. And, there are other episodes like this. #115 is a favorite. Guy loses the first two. Wins the third game and ends up winning by a large margin.
Now, I know this sounds like sour grapes or random griping but it's an honest thought. Sometimes things kickass and the game works. Other times, the point thing kind of clogs it up. Still fun but it makes it seem less fair.
Anyway...
Mr. Do's Castle & Zoo Keeper — Games I've seen several times. Every time I watch someone play them I think "What the hell are they doing? What is happening in this game?" I can't figure it out. In Mr. Do's Castle, you run around with a hammer and hit the floor as things chase you. In Zoo Keeper, you run round and around a wall and avoid animals and try to seal off the wall. What does all of it mean? Maybe you need more than 50 or 60 seconds for it to make sense. Maybe after a couple minutes of play everything formalugates (I made that word up) into a world of wonder. But, it just looks like a lot of crazy-ass shit to me.
Tunnel Hunt — I saw them play it once. What the hell is this game? Even the guy playing it seems very surprised. "Did I really pick this game?"
Super Pac-Man & Pac-Man Plus — They look fun. But, I don't know. Look them up. It looks like they wanted to do another Pac-Man game but no one had the strength. The giant Pac-Man in Super is cool as is all the fruit that fills the screen. But, what's the point? Pac-Man Plus has even less point. Vanishing ghosts, cola cans floating around and really fast speeds. Jr. Pac-Man = cool. These two = Pointless Wonder. I love ëem. Just don't know what they are.
Bubbles — You're in a sink moving around fast and having fun. For some reason, I love this game. "Bubbles cleans up the kitchen sink by gobbling up greasies, crumbs, and ants. As he eats, he grows. The bigger he gets, the happier he gets. You can tell by the big smile on his face." — That's from the Starcade site. It's awesome. The big, smiling bubble on the game is worth the price of admission.
Pop Flamer — There's a game called Pop Flamer.
Journey & Journey — One of them is a slightly lame space game. The other is a hilariously goofball game featuring the band Journey. On at least one occasion, I saw the contestants lose some of their exuberance when they realized that they were playing for "Journey" (lame), instead of "Journey" (full of Perry).
Munch Mobile — I mentioned this one earlier. You're in a car with arms that grab apples on the road and deposits garbage in trash cans. Someone won this game on one show. I can't imagine playing it for more than 40 seconds. I'd give someone 10 bucks to show me how the game ends. It can't go on like this forever.
Dragons' Lair — Awesome Game. You can buy it on DVD now. It was one of the first "laserdisc" games. It featured Don Bluth animation. You would hit your joystick a certain way and you would see the animated Dirk going through a very creepy castle and dungeon-type thing to rescue the Princess from the evil Dragon. What a game!
But, I'm not sure anyone ever played it for points, except on Starcade.
Two things worked against this game being interesting on the show:
In 40-50 seconds, you saw the exact same screens over and over. There was some variation but, generally, you saw the swinging fire ropes, the fake horse that almost runs into walls, the wall closing up and one or two others. It got kind of monotonous.
Some boards scored much higher than others. The board you went to was decided by the game. So, if you went to, the hallway with the giant skull hand you always got more than someone who went into the rapids. In one episode, you can see a contestant's face drop when he gets the rapids. It means he has automatically lost. It's odd.
I love the game. But, it's not a Point Competitive game. Of course, if you've seen the Clffhanger episode, then you've seen one that's even worse.
Pop Flamer — Such a great name I thought I'd mention it twice.
Bump ën' Jump — A favorite of mine. I wished they'd played it more.
Bump ën' Jump Pop Flamer — Not a real game but an intriguing title.
Another thing I love about these games is the difference between the game itself and the paintings on the side of the games. Atari 2600 games used to do this same thing. Elaborate drawings of spaceships or monsters, with all kinds of craziness going on...Then, you play the games and see shapes moving around that don't seem to resemble what you just saw. You have to make the connection in your head. Did you ever play Revenge of The Beefsteak Tomatoes on the Atari 2600? That's a good example.
Really, this has just been me talking on and on. However, I do have one story that goes with Starcade.
BUT...it has a CHRISTMAS SPOILER at the end...a big one...
Anyone reading this might one to skip ahead to the word XEVIOUS! When you see that word, then it's OK to continue.
I'm not kidding, SPOLIER AHEAD!
OK, hi everyone.
It is December 1984. I am in my Ma's room watching Starcade on her little black and white TV. Rochester, NY. Cold and snowy out. It was the annual December Saturday where we went down to the Greece Town and Long Ridge Malls and did shopping for our family. I was being a good boy and watching Starcade and enjoying the antics of the players. I had a small rubber ball that I was bouncing off of the wall and catching. It was only a few weeks away from Christmas and I had big plans for Santa this year. I always had big plans. Some years the big plans were fulfilled, which was nice.
Anyway, I'm watching Starcade, enjoying myself. The ball is bouncing. I'm only half paying attention and...boink...the ball bounces wrong and goes into my Ma's Walk-In Closet. A very big walk-in closet. Very long...Perfect for hide and go seek because, if you hid in the back, people had to go all the way in and it got creepy.
SPOILER!!!
So, I went after the ball. It had rolled way back. I strolled in, full of wonder, and stopped...There, under some blankets, I saw wrapping paper, Christmas wrapping paper...There were quite a few gifts covered in blankets, stashed back there....I only had a brief look and, in that moment, I saw the word "Santa" on one. I grabbed the ball and ran.
Ran out of there and hid in my room! I had done it now! I just ruined Christmas! What happens now? Am I not allowed to get the gifts? I didn't know what to do. Raised Catholic, I felt terrible guilt. At my next confession, I told the Priest all about it. I was absolved. But, still...
I don't hold this against Starcade. If it had been 11 that night, it would have happened during Doctor Who. It was just me being in an odd place at the proper time.
XEVIOUS!!! XEVIOUS!!
Boy, Berzerk sure looked cooler in the arcade but it was still a ton of fun to play on the Atari 2600.
I go on and on about Starcade but I'm never sure I actually get to the spot I want to get to. If you liked video games, you'll like this show. It's got pizzazz. You don't have to be "of a certain age" to enjoy it. It's a good game show with a fun competitive spirit. Luckily, there is a great website up that is run by the Creators and Producers of the show (Mavis & James). It's got a random sampling of episodes on it, merchandise, extra episodes from their other shows (The Video Game & Finders Keepers — watch them) and other random info about the show and the games played on it.
Now, all I need is a 20-DVD set that contains all the episodes, along with extras. That's a good weekend. I invite everyone over to my house for a weekend-long marathon! Special Guest: My dog!
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