| Article
by Joseph A. Ziemba
Life stinks. And then you watch
Meatcleaver Massacre.
Our setting: the nondescript, unkempt
office of Dr. T. Honest Truth, traveler,
lecturer, amateur comedian, and
world-renowned psychoanalyst. A
bust of W.C. Fields leers over his
desk, while the requisite chaise
lounge sets in a corner, dust-encrusted
from years of vacancy. The balm
of Bourbon is in the air. It blends
well with the scent of subtle refinement.
I arrive for my Saturday morning
appointment. As usual, I settle
on a couch which, according to the
good doctor, originated from "A
safari in Africa, when somebody
forgot the corkscrew and for several
days we had to live on nothing but
food and water." I trust him.
Midway through the session, a curious
suggestion is made.
Dr. Truth: "Based on the exposition
of your fears regarding the future,
I feel that you should watch Meatcleaver
Massacre again."
Me: "I don't know. I lived
through a devastating experience
this year. In fact, I'm still working
through it. What if I don't feel
the same about trash-horror films?
What if my leisurely activities
become empty vessels of nothingness
in the face of this emotional instability?"
Dr. Truth: "If at first you
don't succeed, try again. Then quit.
There's no use in being a damn fool
about it."
That evening, urged onward by Truth's
modest wisdom, I watched Meatcleaver
Massacre again.
And that evening, life smelled pretty
good.
Please open your arms to Bleeding
Skull's ten most exquisite trash
film discoveries of 2007. Although
this year's output was hampered
by a severely broken heart, it was
but a flesh wound in the game of
life. As evidenced by the following
list, life does, indeed, smell nice
on occasion. You just have to remember
how to sniff. Now, go on and get
yerself massacre'd!
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10.
Movie House Massacre (1984)
Retromedia DVD • Full
Review
"Movie House Massacre
may very well put you to sleep,
but that's irrelevant. Is
this what an afternoon in
Rick Sloane's home would feel
like? Would we watch Meatballs
with Dean Murdoch? I can only
dream." |
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09.
Muerte Infernal (1987)
Shocking Videos DVD-R •
Full
Review
"If Muerte Infernal
was merely a midget slasher
with a lot of talking, we'd
still be in good shape. But
there's even more. Creepy,
disturbing, and obviously
hysterical, this film opens
up its conscience for our
benefit, yet asks for nothing
in return. Humor Mr. Yermo."
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08.
The Abomination (1986)
Donna Michelle Productions
VHS • Full
Review
"The kitchen cabinets
have puked. The washing machine
has puked. A woman, her son,
his boss, and his girlfriend
have puked. I think maybe
even God has puked. Somebody
get me a Bible...it's psychedelic
anxiety, 1980s style."
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07.
Headless Eyes (1971)
Wizard Video VHS • Full
Review
"Headless Eyes
is a thunderstorm of diluted
acid and cold sweat. There
are filthy bathtubs, dirtier
fingernails, strange emotional
bends, and frozen eyeballs
in Tupperware containers.
I never met a Bateman I didn't
like." |
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06.
Fatal Images (1989)
Active Home Video VHS •
Full
Review
"Director-writer Dennis
Devine spread out $10,000,
obsessed over extreme close-ups,
and had faith in way-too-loud
sound effects. The resulting
debut introduced a new cosmopolitan
awareness. Art? Satan? Teaser?
I want it all. Fatal Images
is a SOV volcano." |
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05.
The Evictors (1979)
Vestron VHS • Full
Review
"In addition to being
one of the most fulfilling
low budget, "alone in
a house" regional rarities
you're likely to find, The
Evictors tops off Charles
Pierce's pseudo-doc legacy
with style and consistency.
Flawless." |
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04.
The Slumber Party Massacre
(1982)
New Concorde DVD • Full
Review
"The Slumber Party
Massacre is what it is;
a direct, unexceptional 1982
slasher with the ability to
invoke pleasant thoughts of
the "old days" in
those who wish to have them
invoked. That doesn't sound
like much, but really, it
is." |
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03.
The Psychopath (1975)
Family Tyme VHS • Full
Review
"The Psychopath
is a disturbed motion picture.
It involves children, parents,
and the unsettling realities
that can occur between the
two. If you're feeling light-headed,
don't fret. The puppets, lawn
mower death, and karate cops
are instant equalizers."
|
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02.
Nightbeast (1982)
Troma DVD • Full
Review
"Right now, I'd like
you to think about making
love. Savor the thought. After
Nightbeast, your
perception of carnal bliss
will be forever altered. Such
are the consequences of being
DOHLERIZED." |
 |
01.
Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)
Catalina Home Video VHS •
Full
Review
"When applied with steady
calculation, "incomprehensible"
becomes not just a word, but
an heavenly entity. Truly,
a being almost too beautiful
to behold. Meatcleaver
Massacre is the Brigitte
Bardot of inexplicable 1970s
trash films. Je t’aime." |
RUNNER-UPS
Meet the runner-ups: almost DOHLERIZED!!,
but not quite.
Censored (1965)
Something Weird DVD-R • Full
Review
Al Filo Del Terror (1990)
Mex-American Home Video Corporation
VHS • Full
Review
Slumber Party Massacre II
(1987)
New Concorde DVD • Full
Review
Satanic Attraction (1990)
Complete Entertainment, Inc. VHS
• Full
Review
Silent Madness (1984)
Media Home Entertainment VHS • Full
Review |
