| Article
by Joseph A. Ziemba
A man crosses
a street on his way to work. A car
misses a stop sign and screeches
to a halt, just inches from his
body. He leaps towards the vehicle,
spits in the driver's face, and
screams, "You ignorant bastard!
I wish I could run YOU over! Your
sister's a filthy bitch! Your mother
stands up when she pisses! YOU SHOULD
KILL YOURSELF! FUCK YOU!"
Can you feel it? That's hate. Pure,
voracious hate. You and I would
never think about, let alone act
upon, impulses such as these. But
somewhere else, people do. Proof
exists. Just examine any film that
begins with "Photographed and
Directed by Andy Milligan".
The late Andy Milligan was not a
genius. Rather, he was a flawed
and obsessed human being. Self-destructive,
darkly sadistic, sexually twisted,
egotistic, and all together unnerving,
there’s only one thing that
sets Andy Milligan apart from a
flat-out degenerate: an obsession
with channeling his neurosises through
film.
I’ve read Jimmy McDonough’s
unsettling biography (The Ghastly
One: The Sex-Gore Netherworld Of
Filmmaker Andy Milligan) twice.
Yet, I still can’t fully comprehend
the extremes of Mlligan's drive.
Why even bother, you ask? What’s
the point of delving into the life’s
work of a such a detestable person?
Two reasons. One, he made trash-gore
films. Two, he poured his life into
those films. Literally.
Milligan, a Staten Island native,
channeled everything he had into
making movies. I’m not talking
time, money, and a love for the
process, ala Ted V. Mikels or Ray
Dennis Steckler. While those necessities
are certainly included in the mix,
it goes deeper than that. Milligan’s
dirt-cheap films are drenched with
every childhood trauma, every negative
tick, every inner demon that the
guy ever had. His filmed output
served as collateral on a reckless
life that could end at any moment.
That’s why Andy’s work
is so fascinating. He was filming
it. He was living it. He would die
with it. No other outsider filmmaker
can boast such overwhelming claims.
No matter how appalling Milligan’s
reality can seem to “normal”
people, his anomalous film work
cannot be ignored. Quite the contrary;
the notably damaged nature of every
film that bears the Milligan name
literally begs to be experienced.
The urge can't be helped.
From 1962 to 1990, Andy Milligan
had a hand in close to forty motion
pictures, with topics ranging from
sexploitive scuzz to medieval basement
gore to gay bathhouse gloom. Budgets
floated around $10,000 or less.
Production values settled just above
the savvy of a home movie. While
many are lost today, fourteen of
the surviving two dozen films lie
in the cherished vicinity of trash-horror.
Fourteen films which rarely deviate
in their topical dysfunction and
never evolve from a technical standpoint.
But hey -- they all feature Costumes
By Raffiné (Andy Milligan's
seamstress pseudonym)! These are
inhuman fairy tales with equally
fierce titles. Films which sprout
not from the pen of a jovial muse,
but from the inner darkness of a
very scarred man.
The old guard of self-centered,
pants-too-tight film critics have
had their day. Were he still alive,
Andy Milligan would not be invited
to their retirement parties. Would
he even care to attend? Would you?!
This is now. Andy's legacy, however
flawed, stands today as one of the
most curious bodies of trash filmmaking
ever produced. Let’s celebrate
the hate.
The Ghastly Ones (1968)
Something Weird DVD
I see a new world. The family dysfunction,
the toilet bowl film prints, the
period piece melodrama; The
Ghastly Ones kick starts it
all.
After a little unrelated prologue
dismemberment, the Crenshaw sisters
convene for a reading of their Father's
will. In order to make good on an
inheritance, the three sisters are
required to spend three days on
Daddy's estate in "sexual harmony"
with their respective husbands.
Hot damn! Concurrently, a black-hooded
killer wasn't invited. Whatever.
The killer saws, pitchforks, and
stabs through 72 minutes of unflattering
close-ups, unexpected creeps, and
homosexual actors struggling through
straight sex scenes. Also, a hunchbacked
retard gets whipped with a belt.
A lot. Get used to all of that.
The Ghastly Ones embraces
the real baggage, commences with
the animosity, and funnels it all
into a tasty whole. The streaks
of heavy dialogue are endearing,
thanks to the short runtime and
eventual pay-off. A somber air of
spookiness blankets the attic sets,
especially during the disorienting
climax. This is not Milligan's most
ruthless (or explicit) effort, but
it's by far his most accessible.
Even if it makes no sense. Every
subsequent Milligan horror outing
would expand from the seeds sown
here. A true weirdo classic.
Seeds Of Sin (1968)
Something Weird DVD
Incest, suicide, abortion, murder,
a pirate patch, and muscle-mag masturbation;
it's Christmas, Milligan-style!
Seeds Of Sin is pretty
much the The Ghastly Ones,
save for a few key differences.
It’s Christmas. The tone is
harsher (Mom's advice: “You
ruined my life, so I’m gonna
ruin yours!”). The artsy camerawork
seems more coordinated than usual.
Most importantly, producer Allen
Bazzini was unhappy with the film,
so he spliced in lengthy softcore
sex scenes (Stretch marks! Indistinguishable
faces!) featuring new actors that
disappear after doin' the deed.
In the end, there are so many raunchy
layers to contend with, both visually
and mentally, that it’s almost
a hassle to even bother. So enjoy
the brief bits of gruesomeness.
Fast forward through the unappetizing
sex. Have fun trying to decipher
dialogue through Mom's screaming
fits. Or better yet, just watch
Milligan’s original 40 minute
workprint, which is also included
on Something Weird’s DVD.
Either way, Seeds Of Sin
is piping hot insanity. Aside from
the sex, you won't get bored.
The Body Beneath (1970)
Something Weird DVD
Andy Milligan travels to the UK...and
invents a new religion.
One of several films shot “in
the graveyards of England”,
The Body Beneath is to
Andy Milligan what A
Taste Of Blood was to H.G.
Lewis: a vampire epic on a sliding
scale. The story concerns Reverend
Ford, a Catholic priest who also
happens to be a vampire. The good
Rev seeks to keep his lineage moving
with the kidnapping and impregnation
of long lost relative, Susan. Mr.
Ford calls Suze an impertinent slut
and treats his “humpback”
hipster slave (wearing a Mike Nesmith
knit hat) like a jerk. There’s
some out-of-character Dixieland
swing, blue-faced vampira ghouls,
humid graveyard tours, and a nice
anti-America rant at a dinner party.
The big news here is the film’s
obvious jump in planning and consistency.
Sure, camera-whir noises are just
as prominent as the impressive sets,
but there’s a definite steadiness
to the piece that’s not so
evident in Milligan’s other
films. It’s nice. Cozy. Perhaps,
even effective as a traditional
horror film. When the vaseline hits
the lens, everything pretty much
goes south, but you’ll have
a better appreciation for Catholic
vampires. And low budget enthusiasm
at its most arresting.
Torture Dungeon (1970)
Shocking Videos DVD-R (Buy
it from Shocking Videos!)
Now, I’m officially frightened.
Even if it’s for all the wrong
reasons.
With all the spitting, violence,
dirty sex ("I'm trisexual --
I'll TRY anything for pleasure."),
panic attacks, and hunchback abuse,
Torture Dungeon is the
fantasy-mirrored reflection of Andy
Milligan. Falling somewhere between
Snow White And The Three Stooges
and John Waters's later Desperate
Living, the dubious, Shakespearean-set
plot (with a few Ramones accents)
finds us in the court of The Duke
Of Norridge as he causes general
havoc amongst the people in his
kingdom; gay hunchback lover, one-eyed
witch, and dirt-eating retard included.
There's no real plot thread. Nudity
is rampant. Everyone sweats a lot.
Black hooded killers deal out camera-spazzed
deaths via pitchfork and decapitation,
just like they did in The Ghastly
Ones. Torture Dungeon's
unbelievable mix of scummy situations
and Waiting For Guffman-like
theatrics leads us on a crude road.
At times hilarious, sometimes tedious,
and always caustic (both technically
and topically), Torture Dungeon
is truly unsettling, if only for
the fact that someone actually made
this film.
Bloodthirsty Butchers (1970)
Something Weird DVD-R (Buy
it from Something Weird!)
The bitch 'n' bake olympics have
commenced! Unfortunately, no one
goes home with the gold.
Stomping back to merry olde England,
Bloodthirsty Butchers is
a claustrophobic mess. Sweeney Todd
slaps around his mistress, wife,
and...second mistress. Sweeney Todd
maims his barbershop victims, then
gives the bodies to the local bakery.
Sweeney Todd deals out marriage
advice. Badly. Filled with horribly
tight compositions, goofy sex (shoulders
only, thanks), infrequent energy,
and tiresome bitching and yelling,
Bloodthirsty Butchers is
a hump in the road. All women are
depicted as pawns of evil. Milligan's
sets (a couple of blank rooms) and
budget hit the dirt, moreso than
usual. Attempts at violence are
limp. When a search for highpoints
leads to a neon-tipped boob in a
pie and a rare light-hearted ending,
trouble is afoot. All hate. No heart.
Note: Should you decide to add this
one to your collection, stick with
Something Weird's DVD-R. Their print
is the most complete version out
there, easily eclipsing the altered
(and cut) TV print on Video Cart's
DVD from 2003.
Guru, The Mad Monk (1970)
Retromedia DVD
You want a separation between church
and state? Not on Guru's clock.
"Nothing is free in this world!"
A blatant middle finger to Catholic
form, Guru, The Mad Monk
is a 55 minute blast of prime Milligan
dementia. The Lost Souls Church
Of Mortavia needs money! Naturally,
jaded schizo Father Guru practices
the art of supplying dead bodies
to medical students in exchange
for the green stuff. Inbetween playing
judge, jury, and executioner for
the members of his sparse parish
(branding, needles through eyes,
dismemberment), Guru helps out Madame
Olga (the vampire), Carl and Nadja
(young lovebirds in search of a
new life), and eventually murders
the Arch Bishop. Think of it as
miniature The Body Beneath,
only more concentrated. And cheaper.
Flower Power bedsheets adorn attic
sets. The camera has had a cocktail
or two, and roams freely. A singular
location (the booming church) seeps
with dusty atmosphere. For some
reason, there's not a hint of sex,
but there IS a benign hunchback
who gets crucified on a wall. His
name is Igor! You'll love it!
The Rats Are Coming! The
Werewolves Are Here! (1972)
Midnight Video VHS
Well, not really.
The Rats Are Coming...
is Andy Milligan's greatest title,
but the resulting film is his most
uneventful. With a "I hate
everybody and everything -- it's
just one big hate!" kick off,
the story of sisters Monica (the
bitch), Diana (the good girl), and
their inutile werewolf family drudges
on. Daddy's dying. Wolves occasionally
howl. Gerald, Diana's boyfriend,
sports the shortest tie and highest-hiked
slacks you'll ever see. A retarded
brother gets whipped, lit on fire,
and singed with candle wax -- what
a surprise! Rats? Two scenes. Werewolves?
Last ten minutes. The point-and-shoot
compositions do what they can within
the attractive British moor surroundings.
Bottom line, this is 80 minutes
of scrambled monotony with 10 minutes
of dimestore werewolf action Elmer's
glued onto the end. Pretty chincy.
Just for kicks, Milligan stinks
up the place with two nauseous moments
of actual chicken and mouse mutilation.
Nice work, Andy.
Note: If you're brave, seek out
the Midnight Video VHS. Like The
Bloodthirsty Butchers, a TV
print of The Rats Are Coming...
was released on DVD by Video Kart
in 2003. They cut a tiny bit of
gore, but retained the mouse nastiness
and Milligan cameo. Weird.
The Man With Two Heads
(1972)
Something Weird DVD-R (Buy
it from Something Weird!)
"Based On A Story By Robert
Louis Stephenson". Who? Robert
Louis Stevenson sez "No comment".
At once Milligan's most revealing
film and, subsequently, his most
disturbing, The Man With Two
Heads is a markedly different
affair. Family woes are replaced
with uncomfortable misogyny and
blatant sadism; a literal channeling
of Andy Milligan's psycho-sexual
leanings. It's Jekyl and Hyde amplified
by scar tissue. Hyde hits at the
40 minute mark and all hell breaks
loose. A prostitute is burned with
a cigar, forced to bark like a dog,
beaten, and constantly insulted
-- "Ignorant slut! You are
the defecation of the streets of
London!" Chicken guts stand
in for explicit gore. An orgiastic
party scene reveals men riding other
men like dogs, people strewn and
tortured, and eyes poked with large
needles. There's also a lot of talk...and
a hunchback piano player. Through
it all, Andy maintains some of the
worst compositions of all time,
yet the acting chops, grit, and
shocking tension reach an apex.
The content goes over the line.
The layout feels like a real movie.
It'll make you squirm. So long,
England.
Blood (1973)
Shocking Videos DVD-R (Buy
it from Shocking Videos!)
Dracula's daughter: "You go
to hell!" The Wolf Man's son:
"We're already there."
No one can escape the Milligan charisma.
With its 58 minute runtime and constant
hacksaw editing, Blood
is a caffeinated wonder; a full
180 degree turn from The Man
With Two Heads. It's also somewhat
traditional, at least by Milligan
standards. Dr. Orlofski (aka Larry
Talbot) and his bride, Regina (aka
Dracula's daughter) have traveled
from Europe to Staten Island. They've
made the trek to develop Dr. O's
"experiments". These involve
a legless man who scrapes around
on a plank of wood, his gangrene-infected
wife, balloon noises, and a man-eating
plant. Delightful! Orlofski wolfs
out for a few seconds, while Regina
prances around in plastic fangs.
Mouse mutilation gets another shot
in the limelight. No one takes their
clothes off, but there IS a retarded
servant and some great gore. That's
tradition. Blood subjectively
retreats from Andy's inner anger,
but not his mucky techniques. As
a result, it's insanely enjoyable
as a stand alone trash film, despite
the lack of an overall point. Milligan's
energy would soon dissipate. Blood
soaked up the last of it.
Legacy Of Horror (1978)
MPI/Gorgon VHS
Times change, but Staten Island
doesn’t.
Released the same year as Halloween,
Milligan’s descent into exhaustion
-- artistically and personally --
begins with Legacy Of Horror.
Merely an unmemorable remake of
The Ghastly Ones, Legacy
is best left misunderstood. Three
couples, placed somewhere between
1900 and 1960, mumble and eat plants.
The expected token retard-handyman
is thrown over a bridge. At 37 minutes,
the characters convene for a reading
of the ol' "sexual harmony"
will, but there's no sex. At 60
minutes, a black-clad killer dishes
out split second maimings, but there's
no bloodshed. As a result, there's
no hope. The least spiteful film
in Milligan's resume, Legacy
Of Horror leaves no mark, save
for a few spots of well-placed humor
(check out Mr. Ito!). Intentioned
weirdness seems suspicious. There's
an obvious hope that the film's
irrational moments will gel together
naturally. They don't.
Note: It's true. Legacy Of Horror
has yet to stumble onto DVD. It's
often confused with Legacy Of
Blood aka Legacy Of Horror,
which stars John Carradine and features
the same plot. That film appears
on several public domain DVD packs,
including a recent release under
the "Elvira's Movie Macabre"
DVD line.
Carnage (1983)
Media Home Entertainment VHS
A murder-suicide in the name of
true love? From Andy Milligan? Exactly.
The roots have been upturned. Carnage,
a Poltergeist mocker, deviates
from Milligan's obsessions. It's
not a period piece. There's a beginning,
a middle, and an end. No tortured
hunchback/retard is present. Instead,
two instantly likable 80s schlubs
get married, buy a haunted house,
and wade through a sea of extreme
violence, Three Stooges special
effects, and hilarious in-law tirades
("After the first three years,
marriage gets worse and worse!").
Like Legacy Of Horror,
Carnage lacks fire. Fortunately,
the smoke still wafts; a breath
of fresh grime during Andy's stale
years. Harsh lighting exposes the
disgusting, sometimes blood-free
grue. A guy wears a dentist's outfit
to dinner. The calm camera endlessly
floats over possessed, inanimate
objects. Towards the end, a helpful
priest gets a machete to the back
of the head. That'll teach him!
Carnage diverges in the
best of ways. Think of it as a last
hurrah.
Monstrosity (1987)
Video Kart DVD
Los Angeles is many things to many
people. So are toilets.
Seeking to escape the degradation
of NYC slums and place his life
in turnaround, Andy Milligan moved
to LA in late 1985. Monstrosity,
an ugly, cramped, gore-strewn rat’s
nest, was his first film in the
new digs. Like Carnage,
Monstrosity bears little
resemblance to Milligan’s
past furies. Basically, three 80s
goons decide to construct a “Jewish
Golem” out of spare body and
animal parts, in order to gain revenge
against a trio of rapist criminals.
A direct rip on The Toxic Avenger
in the confines of a cynical 1950s
classroom scare film, this one hits
pretty low. The desperation seeps.
Dim, tangent-filled dialogue clashes
with banal violence. Soundtracks
overlap in triplicate while pop
culture references serve as punchlines
to unspoken jokes. Monstrosity
is the worst kind of mess; an over-long
comedy-horror schizo that irritates
more than captivates. Yet, the Ye
Olde Milligan Way still glimmers,
if only for a few fleeting moments.
The absurd, downbeat ending and
constant scummy lifestyles on display
attest to that.
The Weirdo (1988)
Rae Don Home Video VHS
20 minutes down. If it weren’t
for the opening credits, there would
be no way to tell who was responsible
for The Weirdo. Then, a
priest attempts to molest a handicapped
woman named Jenny. Andy, who’s
on your party line?
The Weirdo, the touching
story of “different,”
abused young man Donny and his sexual
awakening with Jenny, is a remake
of a lost Milligan film from 1970.
Stapled with an authentic score
(fake new age pianos, generic power
pop) and a group of actors who were
actually casted, you might mistake
this film for something “real”.
Like Zombie
Nightmare. Don’t.
Just as arid as it is alarming,
The Weirdo entertains thanks
to its outrageous negativity. And
hilarious acting. It’s like
a gutter-gore garage version of
River’s Edge; everybody’s
endearingly screwed up, but Milligan
lacks the resources to reel it all
in. Inbreds! Crucifix death! Mother-son
belt-whipping! Musclebound assholes!
Black screen transitions and odd
soundtrack noises give Milligan
away (along with the subject matter),
but the sluggish direction could
belong to any man. At the film’s
climax, Jenny asks “Why can’t
people be nice to one another?”
The air grows chill. Andy Milligan
was obviously trying to say something,
but no one was listening.
Surgikill (1990)
Media Arts VHS
After 90 seconds, it was obvious
that Surgikill was going
to be a very sad experience. Nurse
Boobs, this is goodbye.
Fart jokes. Dick jokes. Surgery
gore sight gags. Poo and pee punchlines.
Nurses Boobs, Muffin, and Tryit.
Andy Milligan was hired to direct
Surgikill, a horror-“comedy”
that feels like 1982, features a
killer spouting wisecracks in a
hospital, and remains the single
most disheartening career crapper
of all time. Even the most nauseating
of 80s party comedies (Splitz,
Senior Week) can’t
begin to stoop as low as the idiotic,
screaming morons who populate the
halls of the Goode Community Hospital.
Makes sense. Evil black comedy peppered
Milligan’s later years, and
to some degree, his earlier hits.
However, Andy’s skillset was
not built for straight comedy, let
alone slapstick junk as chincy and
uninspired as Surgikill.
This was no way for anyone to go
out. Unfortunately, for Andy’s
paralleling life, that’s exactly
what happened.
I’m tapped out of hate. Strangely,
Milligan’s words resuscitate:
“You don’t turn into
an artist if you have a happy home
life. I only write about what I
know. I just remember the ugly things.”
Ugliness tends to evoke hatred in
men. Andy forged his legacy with
ugliness; ugliness is how that legacy
is often regarded. These films were
Andy Milligan’s life. They’re
never pretty. Yet, beauty is a contentious
beast. The next time I run into
a retarded hunchback, I'll try to
remember that.
Special thanks to Mark Johnston
of Shocking Videos and Lisa Petrucci
& Mike Vraney of Something Weird
Video for their help and participation.
For more information on Andy Milligan’s
unbelievable life and films, please
pick up a copy of Jimmy McDonough’s
The Ghastly One: The Sex-Gore
Netherworld Of Filmmaker Andy Milligan.
Needless to say, it’ll stick
with you.
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