Article by Dan Budnik

One spring afternoon, I found myself selling band candy door-to-door. My route had occasion to take me to a pleasant neighborhood somewhere in New York State. Leaves were returning to the trees. The birds were tweeting again. The suburb was coming back to life after a particularly harsh winter. I had made $15 for the band already when I came upon a very special house.

ME: Hello, Ma’am. I’m selling candy for my office band. Would you care to buy a box? They’re $1.50 each.
LADY: How much are they?
ME: Dollar fifty.
LADY: I remember when you could buy band candy for 50 cents. It was cheaper then.
ME: Did you want to buy a box today?
LADY: Young man, do you know who I am?
ME: No, Ma’am.
LADY: I’m Doris Wishman. And, I’d like to take you out to lunch.

Doris Wishman was a woman of her word. She took me to a lovely Indian restaurant, Salomi’s, about six blocks away. She told me that the prawn vindaloo was perfect, not too spicy. (She said, "The fish vindaloo’ll burn the words right out of your mouth.") So, with an order of Garlic and Herb Naan & two Maharajah beers, I had lunch with Doris Wishman.

DORIS WISHMAN (DW): I’m Doris Wishman.
ME: Yes. You mentioned.
DW: I guess one of my most well known films is Deadly Weapons.
ME: With Chesty Morgan.
DW: Chesty was a great lady. But, a terrible actress. She shopped at Kmart for all her clothes.
ME: Weren’t her breasts not only large but very floppy?
DW: On some of those shots where she was "Boobs Out", we had to jury rig a block and tackle to get those fellas to stand up straight.
ME: I never saw any wires.
DW: We digitally removed them.
ME: You didn’t have any trouble with Blaze Starr?
DW: Hers never gave me any problem. Did you ever see the sequel?
ME: To Blaze Starr Goes Nudist? I didn’t know there was one.

At that moment, a rather wild-eyed man with beads on his face rushed up to our table.

MAN: Excuse me, may I have a piece of your Naan?
DW: Get the hell out of here!
MAN: I’m very hungry. I haven’t eaten since earlier today.
ME: I think we can spare a piece.
DW: I’m not entirely made of money.

I motioned for the man to sit. He did, grabbing a piece of Naan. I noticed that he’d brought his own glass of water.

DW: Well, where were we?
MAN: I’m James Bryan.
ME: I thought I recognized you. How is that Don’t Go In the Woods Special Edition DVD going?
JAMES BRYAN (JB): It’ll be more special than you could ever know.
DW: I’m Doris Wishman and I’m hungry. Where is my curry?
ME: Doris was talking about Blaze Starr.
JB: Oh. I worked with Renee Harmon.
DW: She was a real trooper. And, did you know this…she was a transgender person?
JB: Renee Harmon?
DW: Blaze Starr.
ME: No, she wasn’t.
DW: Have you ever seen Let Me Die A Woman? (I nodded.) Then, you should know this!

Our food arrived. As we ate, James Bryan kept taking little bits off of our plates. Doris would occasionally give his hand a slap.

DW: I started off in nudist colony films. Nature Camp Confidential was one of my first. They were more innocent times then. They really were. The Amazing Transplant? I’ve never laughed so hard. If you wanted, you could take "Boobs Out," put them in your soup and no one was any the wiser.
JB: Are you gonna take a boob out now?
DW: Who are you exactly, young man?
JB: James Bryan. I made Hellriders.
DW: Did you now?
ME: It starred Tina Louise and Adam West.
DW: That’s something to be proud of. I was a woman producer/ director/ writer/ everything working in a male-dominated field. I made A Night to Dismember.
JB: Is that like Don’t Go In The Woods?
DW: Better.
JB: I made Executioner Part II.
ME: I always wondered what happened to Part 1.
JB: Well, we make these films so fast. We started pre-production on Executioner, Part 1. By time we got into production, it was Part II.
DW: You’re a dummy.
JB: Now wait…Ow! My burning mouth!
ME: You’re eating the vindaloo too fast. Have a little Naan.
DW: We’re out of Naan.
ME: Waiter! More Naan!
DW: You’re paying for that!
ME: OK…Tell me about Bad Girls Go To Hell.
JB: Mmmm…mmmm….Ow!
DW: Bad Girls Go To Hell was one of my finest accomplishments. We shot it in 18 hours. In Brooklyn. It made enough money to buy me a pair of shoes and a new breakfront.
JB: Uhhhh….

A new order of Naan arrived. JB dove in.

DW: I like my movies. I’m Doris Wishman.
ME: I know. What’s your feud with Barry Mahon about?
DW: Well, I was shooting a nudist picture and Barry Mahon took my gorilla suit. I had rented it. It was mine. But, he took it. When The Beast That Killed Women came out in the theater, I went to the premier and found that SOB. I gave him a shot right in the nose.
JB: My mouth is cooling off in time for me to say…I directed Lady Street Fighter.
DW: I also kneed Russ Meyer in the groin once.
ME: Really? Where?
DW: The groin, son. Down around your area.
ME: I know where my groin is.

JB giggled like a little kid and choked on some Naan.

ME: I mean where did you do this…at a premier, on a set…
DW: I don’t remember. But, my knee does.
ME: Yeah?
DW: Do you want to ask it?
ME: Well,…
DW: Go on.
ME: OK. Knee, I…
DW: No. No. No. You have to greet my knee first.
M: OK…Hi, Knee.

DW and JB broke into hysterical laughter. I sighed. Walked right into that one.

DW: I haven’t laughed so hard since Nude on the Moon.
JB: I have.
DW: Shut up.
ME: Now you two please, we’re trying to eat a nice meal.
JB: I directed…There was another movie.
DW: I sure as hell don’t know it.
JB: It’ll come to me.
DW: When I made Daughters of the Sun, there was only enough food to go around for seven people. But, we used over 30 nudists and I had promised them a meal.
ME: What did you do?

DORIS took a big swig of her beer and burped in James’s face.

DW: That one was spicy.
JB: Cottonpickin’ Chickenpluckers!
ME: No.
DW: I took the food we had and I began to divide it. I began to separate the hamburgers into smaller pieces. Ripping up the buns. Pouring drinks into smaller cups. Taking chips and breaking them in half. Taking candy and separating them into wafers. I spread out all the food on trays and asked everyone to join me. The nudists stepped forward. I spent a lot of time dodging pickles and keeping out of the way of big breasts. They approached me with all their doughy equipment and ate.
ME: How Doris Wishman kept a crowd of nudists sated!
DW: Yeah, well, they may have been nude but that didn’t make them smart.
ME: How do you mean?
DW: They were so sated that they decided to have a pool party…right after eating.
ME: Oh no.
DW: There were no survivors. There was nothing I could do.
JB: Check, please!
ME: James, are you paying?
JB: I thought Doris was.
DW: Not for you, hippy!
JB: Hippy?
ME: He didn’t order anything, Doris.
DW: I hate him.
ME: You’re being to judgmental.
JB: If I wash your car will you give me dinner.
DW: I’m going to buy a piece of cod and hit you with it.

The waiter arrived with the check.

DW: All right…(She had a long look at it.) Let’s get the hell out of here!

Doris stood up and ran. I dashed after her. JB was not so lucky. A large gentleman took him down.

MUCH LATER
DW: And, that’s everything you need to know about my movies. Including Indecent Desires, which I didn’t even make and I’m not sure is a real movie.
ME: It sure sounds like one…Do you think James is all right?
DW: Who?
ME: Well, thank you for lunch.
DW: Of course. Now, get out of my house.
ME Doris, this is an ice cream parlor.
DW: Leave.

She never bought any candy. My office band went bankrupt and had to sell their tubas in a big “TUBA BLOWOUT SALE!”