THE
WONDERFUL LAND OF OZ (1969)
JACK & THE BEANSTALK (1970)
Directed by Barry Mahon
Something Weird DVD
THE FILMS
Welcome to the DVD that’ll
launch one thousand nightmares,
regardless of your age. Nearing
the end of his career, nudie maverick
Barry Mahon dove into the world
of kiddie matinees, birthing this
double monstrosity of valium-induced
insanity. Don’t think for
a minute that you know what to expect.
Ever wonder what an episode of H.R.
Pufnstuf might resemble if
things took place in slow motion
and sets were fashioned in a garage?
Welcome to Oz. The Wonderful
Land Of Oz is so face-slappingly
awful that it borders on the divine.
Inbetween bouts of incidental silence
and the occasional off-key song-warbling,
a boy named Tip (played by Mahon’s
son) builds a Pumpkinhead-man and
runs away from the evil witch, Mombi.
Tip speaks as if he has just discovered
the english language -- without
the slightest tinge of emotion and
stumbling like there’s no
tomorrow. Somehow, these two freaks
make it to the Emerald City, just
as King Scarecrow is being impeached
by a go-go girl revolution. It’s
up to Tip, Pumpkinhead (“Jack”),
the Tin-Man, Scarecrow, and a bug-eyed
Woggle to set things straight. But
wait, there’s much more! The
good witch, Glinda, decides that
only a true heir to the Emerald
City’s throne can rule the
lands. So she changes Tip into a
girl named Ozma, who takes a seat
on the paper mache throne. Yes,
this children’s film wraps
up with a magical sex-change, causing
none of the characters to bat an
eye. And what about Tip? After Glinda
tells him that he’ll still
have plenty of boyish adventures
in spirit form, he’s totally
casual about the gender swap. Dear
god.
No action whatsoever. Delirious
non-acting. Extreme claustrophobia.
Extended medium shots of badly costumed
characters talking to themselves.
What more can I say? Oz is inferior film enchantment of
the highest order. Hilarious, frightening,
and shockingly unapologetic, this
is a 70 minute hallucination that
refuses to let up. And you won’t
let it -- save for the occasional
fast forward through the “songs.”
Ok, now fathom this: Jack & The Beanstalk, feature
deux, might be the most excruciating
mess I’ve ever laid eyes on.
Amazing. It even manages to out-bad
Oz, with even flatter
musical numbers and gutter level
production values. Not deviating
from the source material, Jack,
a pansified Keith Moon, sells his
family’s cow for a few magic
beans. Some of the characters speak
as merry olde englishmen and some
as Long Islanders; some dress with
frills and some with paisleys --
it only adds to the timelessness,
right? Anyway, Jack meets up with
the Giant in his clouded monastery.
Mr. Giant resembles a fat, sweaty,
and stoned Andy Kaufman during his
“Mighty Mouse” routine,
caught between a screaming hillbilly
accent and crooning like Lawrence
Welk. He’s an impressive individual.
Eventually, Jack steals the giant’s
stuff (the best of which being an
inanimate golden hen that resembles
a duct-taped paperweight) and kills
him. Everyone lives happily ever
after, including Jack’s bitchy
sister, who buys a restaurant using
the giant’s gold. Makes sense
to me.
Filmed at some hell-hole in Florida
called “Pirate’s World,”
Jack & The Beanstalk is, literally, a masterpiece in
the aesthetic of awful filmmaking.
As if you couldn’t tell. The
shoddy giant-projection, the point
and shoot blandness, Jack’s
ridiculous cloud-hop-walk...how
can this film be so good?! 15 minutes
feels like two hours, but somehow,
that’s not a bad thing. Like
Oz, as long as your
fast forward thumb is ready for
action, you’ll escape the
frequent tone deaf musical interludes
unscathed. Just soak it in.
Towards the end of Oz,
I dozed off for a moment. I had
an instantly terrifying dream about
a purple cow’s head, blinking
it’s Elmer-glued pipe cleaner
eyes at me...staring...watching...I’m
glad it wasn’t real.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Both films appear quite crisp in
their full frame presentations.
You can even see some of the hack
job pancake makeup effects in close-up
shots. Scratches and noise are minimal
during Jack, but appear
more prominently throughout Oz.
The mono sound on both was pretty
terrible, sounding as if the microphone
was placed in an old Sanka can,
then mounted to a boom. Fantastic!
EXTRAS
The derangement takes two steps
up. First, take Hershell Gordon
Lewis’s hand and step up for
a disturbing 32 minute exercise
entitled The Magic Land Of
Mother Goose. Cropped from
its original 60 minute runtime (thank
you), this is basically a tatty
children’s magic show, utilizing
one set and filmed for prosperity.
Escaping from the pages of a giant
Mother Goose book, various fairy
tale rejects run around on stage,
sing songs, burn a witch’s
skeleton, and partake of bad magic
tricks. Gasp as King Cole talks
to a squeaky balloon! Clutch your
couch as the terrifying Raggedy-Ann
doll hops in place! Thrill to the
neverending bouts of background
noise! H.G. Lewis completists will
be proud to make it through. It’s
a must see.
Next up, there’s a series
of four shorts. The first, “Kiddieland,”
follows two dopey looking 50s kids
as they explore a z-rate carnival,
complete with narration. Time capsule
footage is always a treat and this
short is no exception. The remaining
three shorts are animated and range
from hilarious to awful. In “Two
Magicians,” a little kid with
an artsy haircut gets paid a visit
from an evil magician and his assistant.
It all turns out ok in the end.
“Trouble Shooter” is
completely hysterical, as an arrogant
tool-robot comes to life and travels
around fixing toys for kids. Baffling
-- “Anybody got any trouble?”
Lastly, there’s “Woody
In Fool’s Land,” which
is a total bore. Woody wishes himself
to fool’s land, where everything
is reversed.
Finally, you’ve reached the
creme de la creme of this release:
16 trailers for the most screwed
up 50s-60s kid entertainment that
ever was. Mostly built around various
K. Gordon Murray releases, I can’t
remember a time when I was singularly
bombarded with so much laughter,
astonishment, and disbelief in one
sitting. My favorites included Snow
White and Rose Red & the Big
Bad Wolf, Puss N’ Boots (both versions), The
Brave Little Tailor, Little
Red Riding Hood and the Monsters, The Secret Of Magic Island.
I am dumbfounded.
FINAL THOUGHTS
An absolute, no doubt about it,
packed-to-the-gills, must-own DVD
from the Something Weird library.
This is dreadful film caviar and
kiddie entertainment at its most
frightening. I herby pose a plea
for the powers that be at SWV: vary
up the current sexploitation-focused
roster with the insane weirdness
of DVDs just like this one. It makes
the world a better place.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 08.16.04 |
In the garage
Vixen army
Not even funny
Happy Jack
Don't wake the projector
Musical clothes
|
