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THE CORPSE GRINDERS (1971)
Directed by Ted V. Mikels
Image Entertainment DVD
Reviewed 08.03.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Some men work on automobiles. Others
perform delicate surgery. Others
still, practice law. However, only
one man can claim ownership of The
Corpse Grinders. His name is
Ted V. Mikels. He does not fool
around.
Ted V. Mikels was put on this Earth
to make motion pictures. As is the
case with any obsessed human being,
his collective works are rife with
faults. Or so most people would
say. Unless you're a polygamist,
live in a castle and can lay claim
to over twenty films in forty years,
you wouldn't know. Ted knows. That's
how he's living.
The Corpse Grinders is
the giddy centerpiece of a four
year homemade-horror phase in the
life of Mr. Mikels. It's also a
defining moment in off-the-cuff,
vintage drive-in comfort. Originally
released as part of the most novel
triple bill of all time (part of
"The Three Dimensions Of Shock"
along with The Undertaker And
His Pals and The
Embalmer), The Corpse
Grinders flaunts its creator's
stance. No affirmation is needed.
Erratic confidence trails from every
moist open grave, every $38 prop,
and every sparse timpani bomp. Fog,
sweat, mold, blood, food, bums,
cheesecake (not the kind you eat),
fake sign language, and killer kitty-cats.
Clearly, Ted has gone legit.
The Lotus Cat Food Company is enjoying
a spike in sales. A few months earlier,
goony owners Landau and Maltby clubbed
a shareholder and inadvertently
sent him sailing through the magic
grinding machine. A new product
ships. The kitties eat. The kitties
kill. Landau and Maltby rely on
gravedigger Caleb and his digs at
"Farewell Acres" for a
not-so-fresh supply of their secret
ingredient. When that well runs
dry, they murder bums. Three cheers
for big business! For some reason,
Dr. Howard Glass and Nurse Angie
are on the case. Mortician comedy.
Make-out breaks. Kitten surgery
gore. Necro touchy-feely. For a
Lotus employee, it's all in a day's
work.
Old fashioned in terms of explicitness
(the X-rated-for-violence I
Drink Your Blood was released
a year earlier), but never at a
loss for supple kinks, The Corpse
Grinders is an invigorating
experience. No matter how many times
you've seen it. Luscious, dirt-cheap
visuals (the corpse-grinding machine's
goopy discharge), a non-stop barrage
of freaks, and Ted's exotic technical
skills all unite to form a writhing
monument to independent weirdness.
Better yet, the film lacks the rambling
numbness that sometimes seeps into
the T.V.M. oeuvre (main offender:
Girl In Gold Boots). It's
short, sweet, and unified. Legit.
The profits from this $47,000 investment
made Ted V. Mikels a millionaire.
Again, he does not fool around.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
This is how you do it. The Corpse
Grinders appears in anamorphic
widescreen and splendid mono, retaining
every ounce of its aged, gritty
charm. I've watched this film for
the last ten years via the Walterscheid
Productions VHS; the DVD preserves
the scratches, washed out color,
and emulsion lines, but disowns
the muddy picture. Digital resuscitation
can sometimes destroy the charming
impact of cheapo horror films. Here,
the effects are amplified. Perfect.
EXTRAS
First, the bit parts. There's a
stunning theatrical trailer, a lengthy
behind the scenes still gallery
(which includes a peek at some alternate
nude takes), and a five minute shot
on video "tribute" to
the film from a band called The
Bentmen. They sound a little like
Ministry circa 1994, but with added
funk. Press "menu" and
put it out of your mind. Quickly.
Welcome to the castle. Next up,
T.V. Mikels kicks out a full length
commentary track. In keeping with
his other talks (Blood
Orgy Of The She-Devils,
for example), Ted starts out strong.
After the first 30 minutes, the
going gets tough. Still, the stop
'n' go offers up tasty information
about Ted's real-life castle in
Glendale, California, set construction
and shooting locations, and technical
aspects. It goes by fast, but you'll
probably learn more by flipping
through Re Search's Incredibly
Strange Films. Or John McCarty’s
Sleaze Merchants. Or both.
Capping it off are five theatrical
trailers for other Mikels films,
all of which have been released
on DVD under Image's "Cult
Cinema Collection" banner.
Magnifique.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Farewell Acres never locks the gates.
The Corpse Grinders hits
the midnight mood and doesn’t
fizzle out; a true embodiment of
exploitive fun. The DVD is both
stunning and cheap, so take Ted's
lead. Don't fool around. |
Lovers and fighters
Primo Ted
Kat claws
Ploop shoot
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