BEAUTY QUEEN BUTCHER (1991)
Directed by Jill Zurborg
Camp Motion Pictures DVD
Reviewed 09.06.07
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
A ten second scene of two jumpsuit-clad, Borscht Belt comic grandmas spoke to me. It said, "Run. Run for your life." I didn't listen; the grannies were far too sumptuous.

Twenty minutes later, a five second scene of two kids in oversized sweatshirts delivering the "Arsenio Hall Whoop" spoke to me. It said, "No fooling this time. Get out now." I ALMOST listened; such is the curse of a former Arsenio Whoop practitioner.

Sixty minutes later, a private investigator's wall plaque which read "Another Day Shot To Hell" spoke to me. It said, "Told you so." This time, I listened. Oh, how I listened.

One of the most obvious pleasures of exploring obscure 'n' vintage shot on video (SOV) trash-horror is the simple fact that there's always another one. Always. You finish watching Death Nurse and think, "That's that! I've done it!" Then, Venus Flytrap shows up. Life is good. And challenging. For every Blood Lake (two steps shy of heaven) you inevitably run into a Shock Chamber (still hurts). Or, a Beauty Queen Butcher. Not even an Arsenio Whoop will save us now.

Shot in the Quad Cities of Illinois and never released on home video, Beauty Queen Butcher is an epic advancement in spectator agony. While following the plight of "lard ass" teenager Phyllis and her endless humiliation during beauty pageants, school, and life in general, the film hammers home the fat jokes, drag queen camp, and embarrassing montages. As for the horror side of things?

Make way for the problems. The first kill chimes in at a brisk 70 minutes. 70 MINUTES. To put this into perspective, The Last Slumber Party is just about over by that point. Tragic. If Beauty Queen wrapped things up at approximately 72 minutes, the well-intentioned goofs (Mulleted pageant host, Phyllis's knock-off Jason Voorhees mask, early 90s panache) might've outweighed the numbing details (people opening envelopes, Phyllis eating, people constantly talking into the camera). But this thing scuds along for 120 minutes. That's two full hours of girly bitching, a drag queen emoting, a nerd fidgeting, and Phyllis bending over to reveal her flower-patterned underwear. There's no gore, weirdness, or tact. Intentional humor isn't funny. Accordingly, the SOV gods weep in bitter disappointment.

Another day shot to hell. Whoop...whoop...ah, forget it.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
My, don't those Twinkies look appetizing. By far one of the cleanest SOV rarities I've ever come across, Beauty Queen Butcher makes a stunning home video debut. The business here is crisp, bold, and clear. Dialogue was a bit muffled at times, but the Tascam-ized Paula Abdul soundtrack was not. Thank God.

EXTRAS
In addition to the always delightful Camp Motion Picture trailer vault, the DVD includes "Beauty Queen Butcher: Behind The Scenes". Running 10 minutes, this featurette showcases a couple of on-set interviews and a slew of outtakes. One question, though. The cast rap sequence -- WHO REMOVED THIS FROM THE MOVIE?! I hope that person was fired.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Quad City this. The slumberous Beauty Queen Butcher goes for broke in terms of early 90s embarrassment. However, our universe was simply not meant to embrace a two hour SOV horror film. Especially one as plaintive as this. Completists will want to see it at some point, but should notch it at the bottom of the list; above anything from Emmeritus Productions and below Dreamaniac. Whoop.

Gettin' hungry


A Well Respected Man


We be sneerin'


Yeah, that's it